Complete Abandon

When your heart breaks, who do you become?

Do you become the person who takes that brokenness and pushes it away, not willing to deal with it? Are you the one who holds on to the fact that your heart has been broken so strongly, that daily, your world seems to fall apart, and you feel like you’ll never be able to escape the vicious cycle? Or are you in the rarity who takes that brokenness, hands it to the Almighty, and continues walking with confidence, joy, praise, and unending hope?

When something wonderful happens in our life, we shine. We allow others to see our joy and we want others to celebrate with us. Yet… when brokenness occurs, we do all that we can to stay hidden. Hanging out with a group of friends means putting on that fake smile and “preparing” ourselves to be aware of our thoughts and actions the entire time we’re with them (this may be easier for some than for others).

Why does brokenness in our lives completely control us? Why does hurt rip us to shreds? Why when the littlest events occur in our lives, we’re left feeling as if we have nothing?

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of hearing the cliché Christian responses when I or someone else is feeling broken.

[Insert sarcasm now…]
“God is good.”
“God has a plan.”
“God is in charge.”
“Just pray.”
“You’re going to get through this.”
Blah blah blah blah blah…

We throw those phrases around like pennies (and I hate pennies…). There’s a ton of them, they’re annoying, small little sentences that can “buy” me absolutely nothing.

I know God is good.
I know God has a plan.
I know God is in charge.
I know to pray.
I know that I’m going to get through this (whatever “this” is at the time).
I know.

Some people do need to hear these things at the appropriate time because they are true, but… by only hearing these phrases, you often begin to ignore and become unwilling to deal with the reality of the brokenness. Yes, God is still good when we are broken, but we have to deal with our pain because it’s real.

We have emotions. God gave us emotions. So let them out. If something sucks, tell Him it sucks. If you feel like you’re going to die from heartache, tell him you feel like you’re going to die. If you are confused about what He’s doing, tell Him. If you think He’s being unfaithful to you, ask Him to show you that He really is faithful.

The last thing someone wants to hear when they’re struggling is, “You’re fine. You’ll get through this because God is good” (well, at least that’s the case for me…).

That question at the top… who do you become when you find yourself face to face with a broken heart?

I don’t think we can become person number three until we’ve become person number one or two. We’re human; were going to get mad at God no matter how much we love Him. We’re going to get frustrated with what our Father allows to happen in our lives. We’re going to complain and be upset and cry and whine. We’re going to ignore what we’re facing. We’re human… you will do one of these.

We all need our time of grasping the brokenness. We have to take it by the neck, hold onto it, taste it, experience it, see reality in it; because otherwise we will never get to a point where we can become person number three. So once we enter the rink with our brokenness, we have a choice… go back to ignoring it, continue laying in it, or stand up to it, realize the reality and that it won’t be changing [right then], and sincerely proclaim that even though it sucks and hurts, you are serving a God who is more passionately in Love with you than you could ever comprehend.

* * * * * * *

During a drive home after having dinner with a friend, Something inside of me woke up to the reality I’ve been living in.

There is so much more hurt occurring in the world then what is happening in my own little world. I’m sitting here in my nice little apartment in West Des Moines with a rooms full of stuff, with a Godly roommate whom I love dearly, thinking about my incredible family, reminding myself of my wonderful friends who are spread throughout the world… I’m here getting an incredible education with no loans to pay off when I’m through, about to graduate from college, will be starting an amazing job after graduation, and I can move wherever the heck I want come August.

Person number two is done.

While I’ve been person number two for the past month and a half, I’ve become blind to everything else happening around me and all that God is doing (and all that He wants me to be doing).

It’s important to go through and feel the hurt, but there comes a time to focus on the bigger and the greater things.

One of my students went missing yesterday… another was arrested yesterday morning for harassing another teacher… another is possibly pregnant… another explained that her mom sells their food stamps for drugs… another told me today that he hopes to be adopted soon…

No longer can I remain focused on my own hurt (which really, is nothing compared to what these kids have been going through everyday their entire lives). I spend 40 hours a week with 13 and 14 year olds who are more broken than I could ever understand; it’s time for them to be my focus. I want them to be my focus. I feel so sad for some of my students… I want to pray for them like I’ve never prayed before.

Unable to see this until recently, I am where I am because this is the only place I can stand and be effective and go through the preparation that I need, in order to be used in the ways God wants to use me. I know that He’d be able to use me if I was still where I was two months ago, but not as He intended. There would be distraction and hindrances that would effect my growth and how I serve in His Kingdom.

I’m not willing to let that happen.

I am going where my God calls me to go; no exceptions. If that means I lose friends, then I lose friends. If that means I’m single again, then I want to be single. If that means I move away, then I’ll move in a heartbeat.

I want to be in the small population of people who give up everything for Jesus. I want to seek God in ways that people don’t know how to. I want to hear the Lord in ways that is unimaginable. I want to be used like no one has been used.

As I still walk through my own hurts now and those in the future, I have to remember this moment. I have to remember what I live for and Who I live for. I will face the brokenness for the time needed, but my God has bigger plans for me then a broken heart.

"God is bigger than your hurt..."