Saturday, August 27, 2005

brings me back

smell is the most sensitive sense that triggers memories of past experiences. usually right when an aroma surrounds you, you can determine whether you like it or don't. also, smell can bring you back to those specific significant moments in your life, where if you hadn't encountered the aroma, you may never have thought about that certain event ever again.

today i was pulled back... as i helped a friend of mine carry her groceries up to her apartment, i began to inhale a familiar smell. suddenly i found myself replaying a scene in my head from when i was 7 years old...

the smell brought me back to my dentist's office when i lived out in california. i always hated going there... dr. gabore... that was her name. i certainly never thought very highly of her. she had a cool dentist office, but she was m-e-a-n. so mean. my hatred for her rose on a specific day in april of 1992... the day i had to get my first cavity filled.

as i walked into the back room, holding my blanket closely to my body, dr. gabore explained to my mom that she did not allow parents in the back, even during fillings... but not only that, she explained that she did not believe in using any kind of novocaine or anesthetics (she was russian and began her practice there which could explain some things). as a 7 year old, i didn't really have any idea what was going to occur or how necessary novocaine was during a filling.

the aroma that i smelt today pulled me back to one of the worst hours of my childhood. i could do nothing by cringe...

as i remembered myself crying... no... weeping and screaming in pain, she told to me numerous times, "stop being a baby!" my arms had been tied down, while her assistant held my legs to prevent me from kicking, as she did the procedure of destroying my tiny cavity. over and over again i told her i had to go to the bathroom... my plan was to either lock myself in the bathroom forever, or just run out of the office and never come back... but she replied with, "go in your pants you baby!"

let me remind you... seven years old with no pain killers... SEVEN years old with NO pain killers... NO PAIN KILLERS. if you've never had a cavity, just know that without any sort of anesthetic during a filling, it is honestly one of the most painful things there is.

two things changed that day. first, we went in search of a new dentist who actually liked children. and secondly, i grew a phobia of dentists and drills, which i still have today. even the sound of a drill pulls me back to being 7 years old and brings tears to my eyes. the smell though... i felt like i was reliving that moment from 13 years ago. even though a random smell pulled me back to that horrible moment, i still absolutely love smells. any time that a scent of something takes me back to the past, i know that that moment was life changing for me in some way or another.

when i smell roses... i'm pulled back to when my dad bought me flowers for the first time and how loved i felt. the smell of rum... it brings me back to the first and only time i was ever drunk, which still to this day makes me dry heave. the smell of salt water... it pushes me back to staying at my beach house in california. the smell of a certain cologne... it allows me to remember my first kiss and how nervous i was. ...and the smell of dr. gabore's office... it causes me to remember the torture she put me through.

throughout all this, it got me thinking about heaven. will we be able to smell in heaven? is there going to be smells or even senses? could i be walking along the road, catch a quick whiff of fresh bread and be pulled back to the first time my mom ever made bread when we were living on earth? are we even going to be able to remember our lives on earth? will we even be able to remember what smell is? will there only be smells of beauty? will we be too focused on Yeshua to even notice an aroma?

i'll be honest though... i hope that we do smell. i want to smell... i think i want to be brought back to some of those moments.

but it's heaven...

i'm pretty sure there is Something much Greater.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

not just colors

i bought a framed poster of this painting today... phenomenal.

i used to be really involved with art before college and i loved it. one of my best friend's mom's even opened up an art gallery for high school students my senior year and a few of my pieces were actually up for sale in it. sadly, the gallery didn't do as well as we all had hoped and it had to be shut down after about a year. shame.

i loved to sketch people, but there was always something about painting that caught my attention. i was always told what i needed to paint, what was missing, what wasn't good enough... which i was fine with... but... it was all that i knew. when i got to college, i discovered a few things... i discovered i never really got to create what i wanted to paint. i never got to express anything of my own with the brush i held in my hand. the canvas i painted on was only part mine.

my paintings all consisted of scenery... pretty, but not moving. not from deep within...

i finally began to discover how to create something of my own... i let Him guide me. i felt this was the first time i actually began to paint and express my thoughts and my desires.

now my paintings speak to me... now my creations mean something. people may look at my work, or this specific piece i purchased today, and not understand the meaning... and all i can really say is, i'm sorry. this type of work is not just colors poured onto a canvas, and it's certainly not just random shapes. every single inch of this work, and my own, is specifically and carefully planned out; it's there for a reason. the red has a meaning... the white... the blue... the boxish shape... it means something.

these pieces reveal to me the Truth... Power... the Father. abstract pieces show me His face. never has art work hit my heart so hard, until my eyes caught a glimpse of the beauty in these... abstract... masterpieces.

He is man fully alive in this painting...


Monday, August 22, 2005


back in high school i used to go driving a lot. mostly at night. i'd find myself not being able to sleep so i would leave my house, jump in my car, and just drive. i didn't have an agenda or a destination... i would just drive wherever i felt led. these driving times were times when my stereo was switched to off (the only time that ever happens) and i'd focus completely in on my Father.

there's something about driving by myself at night that helps me connect with Yeshua on levels i don't experience throughout my day. the night allows me to see a beauty that i can't see or experience when it's light out.

because i don't have a plan, my mind is solely fixed on Him... nothing or no one stands in the way. it's a time where i can't help but pour out my thoughts. pour out my feelings. pour out my tears. our out my whole soul. it's the time that i hand my heart over to Him... i love it.

i haven't gone out for a drive in a while, mainly because of gas prices these days, but tonight i was due. i'll be honest... tonight wasn't one of the best nights i've ever had... i couldn't help but get in my car and just go. this was probably only my 3rd time doing my spur of the moment driving in the 2 years that i've been here in des moines...


tonight i was in awe. call my crazy, but i found des moines absolutely beautiful tonight. i couldn't get over it... it was gorgeous.

i've never really considered des moines a beautiful place. i find my hometown beautiful... i find the mountains of colorado beautiful... i find brazil beautiful... i find romania... absolutely beautiful... but des moines? nope... not usually. so tonight it was obvious to me that He was doing nothing but showing me a glimpse of Himself throughout the city.

captivating... breathtaking... astonishing...

and that awesome thing is... i don't even care about going out and "wasting" gas tonight.

so worth it.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

i spoke too quickly

today i got smacked in the face.

every morning when i wake up i do one of two things... first, if i'm heading to work, i wont shower (sue me) and i'll put on some sort of scrubs because i know that olivia, the little girl i nanny, will want to go play softball or go catch frogs at greenwood pond. knowing that i'll be getting dirty and be sweating like a man, i won't take time to get cleaned up. there's no point. on the other hand in the morning when i'm not working or i know that olivia and i will be going shopping or going to a movie... that's when i will shower and try to look decent.

something to understand... when i'm getting clean, it means i'll put something other than jeans and a workout shirt on. most of my clothes actually are either commonly considered "dressy" or "srubs". the only stores i really shop at are: express, j. crew, banana republic, and gap. as you can tell from that list, all the clothes from those stores are more along the lines of "dressy" and "nice"...

i take pride in what i wear. i shop at those stores because i love their clothes. i enjoy "dressing up" after every time i shower because that's when i feel the nicest... it makes me feel good. i don't do it to impress anyone or try to get attention; i wear these clothes because they are an expression of who i am.

well... today... this area was targeted... and i'll be honest when i say that my pride was hurt a bit.

i ended up showering today, so that meant it was time to wear something other than scrubs. i began to blow dry my hair and then i moved on to deciding an outfit to wear. i then proceeded to finish getting ready and then left to go pick up olivia. during this process i had a quick encounter with a good friend of mine... she began laughing at me. i was confused... this is about how the conversation went...

me: "why are you laughing at me?"
friend: "because of what you're wearing... why are you all dressed up to go to adventureland?"
me: "... i'm not dressed up..."
friend: "yes you are."
me: "i'm wearing shorts and a regular teeshirt, how is that dressed up? i always wear stuff like this when i go to themeparks."
friend: "... really? well, you're definitely dressed up. why don't you just wear gymshorts and a workout teeshirt?"
me: "i don't know... but i don't think i'm dressed up."
friend: "whatever... i definitely make fun of people like you..."

this encounter shouldn't have been a huge deal, but because it dealt with something i take pride in... it hurt. a lot. "i definitely make fun of people like you"... at that very moment she was doing exactly what she said, and it was not in a friendly "haha" way. i know that this was not a personal attack on me... but it ways i felt like it was. since i believe my clothes express apart of who i am, i felt she was making fun of who i was and my personality.

i admit... i'm a girly girl most of the time. i like wearing makeup (not a lot). i like putting on some jeans and wearing a pair of pointy heels with them. i like styling my hair. i like... to feel... beautiful. even if no one else thinks i am, i enjoy feeling like i am.

don't be mistaken... i'm not obsessed with my looks and i don't have to be all primped up to know that i'm beautiful because the Lord created me and He thinks i'm perfect, which is all that should matter, but i believe that part of being a girl is desiring to feel pretty... in whatever way that is. one girl may feel beautiful when her father hugs her, another after she gets her picture taken, or another while wearing her favorite outfit.

right now i would like to make public apology to some of you out there reading this. i recall certain occasions where i found myself doing this exact thing to you. i remember commenting on a certain item of clothing you may have been wearing when you didn't ask what i thought of it, or making some negative comment after you explained something you were going to be doing... i am sorry.

i was unaware of the hurt comments like these can bring... until today. i needed to experience what it felt like; i needed to experience the other side. i needed to know what the attack feels like when someone looks down on something you hold pride in. so again, i am deeply and truly sorry... in the future i will hold my comments to myself unless i am asked to bring my honest opinion to the table.

i spoke too quickly...

and i am sorry.

Monday, August 15, 2005

what could and should be.

i am doing a great work and i cannot come down (nehemiah 6:3b, NLT)

you'll have to excuse me for writing posts back to back about nehemiah, but i can't get over him. he continues to amaze me... i don't think i've been drawn to a character from the bible quite like i have been with nehemiah. the Lord is constantly revealing truth to me as i read about this man's life.

absolutely fascinating...

nehemiah knew that he had been called to finish the wall; God's vision was his motivation in completing this task. from running with the calling, he grew tired (as you can imagine from building constantly), and as mentioned in my previous post, he gained many enemies... but those things were not going to distract him. in order for nehemiah to get the importort thing done, he also had to say "no" and give up some pretty good things. he had to sacrifice being liked by people, being safe at night, his family, and living comfortably. those are some pretty appealing things, but nehemiah walked away from them in order to fulfill God's promise.

he said, i am doing a great work and i cannot come down.

we have been called to do the same.

whatever vision God has placed on our hearts, we have to say, "i am doing a great work for the Father and i will not abandon it for anything else." we cannot allow good opportunities to distract us from a great vision from the Lord.

right now i am called to a vision the Father has layed on my heart; a city wide college ministry called grounded is where i stand firm. there are so many good things that tug at me daily, attempting to shift my focus. i've been called to at times to say "no" to hanging out with friends in order to pray over the direction this ministry is heading. i've been told to wait on returning to romania. i would love to be in a relationship, but i know that's not a place i'm supposed to be right now. what good things seem harmless could actually be detrimental in the furthering of a vision. until God's tells me i can do certain things or be involved with someone, i cannot let my own desires get in the way. these good things are just that, good... but they are not the vision i have been handed right now.

continuing on... i want to be involved in as many ministries and activities that i can be. i absolutely love helping and serving, but a line has to be drawn. if i don't, my focus will be shifted towards 80 things rather than the current most important thing; grounded. other things are not apart of God's vision for me right now. grounded is where my whole heart is. i cannot cheat the Father by adding things into my life that are only "good" right now.

how can we distinguish the difference between good opportunities and a great vision from God? well... good question. i guess i can only offer this advice... pray and be honest. nehemiah was so faithful in his calling. he prayed constantly and was honest about what he had to do in order to complete the mission. not only do i long to pray as nehemiah did, but i long to be as faithful to my vision as he was.

concerning romania, don't get me wrong... i still have a deep desire to return someday and i believe i will be called back in the future. whether it be for a month or a year... and yes, it would be awesome to go now, i know i have other things to do. i have so much growing to do before the Lord will allow me back. i am certain that everything i am doing right now is connected to romania in some way. how? no idea. i want my desire for romania to be constant. like grounded. the ministry is a constant desire. i can wait for romania... but grounded... no. that ministry is now. if i imagine not returning to romania, yeah it saddens me, but it's okay. with grounded though... if i think about not doing it... it burns. this vision is so heavy on me that it hurts to think about not doing it. THAT is how i know i've been handed an assignment; a great vision. until i have done as much as i am supposed to, i know it will continue to burn heavily in my heart.

i will not walk away from this vision until God says, "well done My good and faithful servant... come over here now."

as i embrace this vision, it embraces me. it holds me and i cannot distant myself from it. i imagine this is like a feeling nehemiah felt about completing the building of the wall. as hard as it can be, like nehemiah, i am handing over my time and any other enjoyable good opportunities to complete a great vision.

my focus... like nehemiah...

walking down the narrow path of what could and should be.

God's vision.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

let it ALL out

nehemiah fascinates me. God gave him a vision and he did it. he wasn't going to let anything stop him because he knew the Father was calling him to rebuild the wall in jerusalem for greater reasons then he could imagine. God gave him a vision and it was his mission to complete this assignment.

then i prayed, "hear us, o our God, for we are being mocked. may their scoffing fall back on their own heads, and may they themselves become captives in a foreign land! do not ignore their guilt. do not blot out their sins, for they have provoked you to anger here in the presence of the builders. (nehemiah 4:4-5, NLT)


was he pissed, or was he pissed?! nehemiah was annoyed beyond belief. as i think i would be too. think about being outside in the scorching sun all day long lifting stones that weigh more then an elephant, without much water, and then having some group of guys come up to you and say, "you can't accomplish this" or "what's the point in your work? you will fail." i think at that point i'd be tempted to jack someone in the face.

i'm gonna be real with you... i think nehemiah had more guts then most people. like myself, i'm sure everyone out there working just wanted to pound on those guys, and nehemiah probably did as well... but he did something i don't think i'd have to guts to do. he prayed to God asking that their sins be held against them, and basically asked that the Lord would punish them. i give nehemiah mad props for the courage he had to pray the way he did about these people.

am i really aloud to ask God that a person's sins be held against them? if someone like sanballat was standing in my way of a mission God placed on my heart, like i said, i'd defnitely be ticked, but mostlikely i'd do one of three things...

1.) pound him
2.) turn to the person nearest me and begin to complain about how annoyed i was
or 3.) pray, but pray a "bless this person" prayer

i don't think i have the guts to pray like nehemiah did. he let it all out. he held nothing back. i feel that when i pray and i'm angry, i sugercoat my prayers and turn them into something fluffy, when deep down, i'm steaming. since our Father knows our inner thoughts and feelings to begin with, why do we/i have such a hard time praying like nehemiah? or david for that matter. read through some of the psalms... david was a bit pissed off as well. he let everything out.

there are definitely times when i'm angry and all i want to say to God is, " SCREW THEM OVER!", but i never do. i hold it back as if the Father doesn't know what i'm thinking. since i'm thinking it... am i aloud to say it? both nehemiah and david basically said "screw them" in their prayers. i'm having a hard time understanding what's "okay" and what's "not". the line is grey and i'm stuck.

though i question these different areas, i long to be like nehemiah. i long for all believers to be like nehemiah. we need to be brave and tell the Lord exactly what we're feeling, rather then tame it down as if He isn't already aware and because we want to look "christian". we've set boundaries of what can be prayed and what can't be... saying that anything even close to being mean is not acceptable... or is it?

i once read, "the only healthy and profitable thing to do is pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. R-rated words and all."

i don't think that means that when you're praying, start dropping the f-bomb every other word, but i think it does mean, if you're mad, don't be scared to drop a swear word if that's what you're feeling at that moment. wow... there are many times that's all i've wanted to do, but i don't because i feel it's wrong.

but again i ask... is it really okay? both david and nehemiah did it. and david was known as being "a man after God's own heart."

prayer is lead by the Holy Spirit. by channeling frustration about something to our Father, He will direct us and have us pray what we feel led to pray... but now... how do you not feel guilty about praying a prayer like david did? i see why it's okay, but i can also see why it may not be okay...

i'm still stuck.


i long to pray like nehemiah and david.

i long to be a women after God's own heart.

i long to let it ALL out.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

lots to do, not enough time...

i don't feel i have any Words to speak tonight... i'm a bit dry. so here's another random post for everyone...

i've been making a list of things i would like to do before i die since my freshman year of college, and right now i'd like to share with you what i currently have written down (in no particular order)...

1.) run through a field of sunflowers
2.) go snowboarding in the alpes
3.) give blood (if you don't know, i'm terrified of needles)
4.) spend 6-12 months in romania
5.) swim with dolphins
6.) get a tattoo (אהוב שלי - my Beloved in hebrew)
7.) have coffee at serendipity in new york
8.) get baptized in the jordan river
9.) ride the largest roller coaster in the world (currently millennium force at cedar point in ohio: 80 degree, 310 ft. drop, going 93 mph. awesome. check it out:
10.) ride in a hot air balloon
11.) punch someone in the face (yeah... it's weird... i know)
12.) go on a gondola ride
13.) get a hummer and take a road trip around the united states
14.) be apart of starting a college ministry
15.) have a star named after me
16.) go skydiving
17.) buy a newfoundland and name it kitty (
18.) have a job that truly makes me happy and glorifies the Father
19.) paint in the streets of paris
20.) go on an african safari

so now i'm interested... what crazy/weird things do you want to do before you pass on from this life???