Caught between like and Love

I'm tired... no... worn out... no... utterly exhausted.

I've only been teaching for 2 weeks and already this constant "on the go" position I've found myself in is catching up with me.

I go to bed ridiculously early.

I get up ridiculously early.

I stand in front of 107 8th graders on the south side of Des Moines all day, five days a week. I teach these 13 and 14 year olds Language Arts. They yell... I yell... they yell back... I give them detention.

My heart breaks for them.

So many come from broken homes and homes where their parents treat them like a disease... no encouragement, no support, nothing. I teach drug addicts... 8th grade drug addicts. I teach 8th graders who are sexually active, who are shoplifters, kids who are physically and verbally violent.

.

Today a student accused me of only picking on him. Another told me she liked my sweater. There was another that accused me of being unfair. And another wanted to know everything about my life.

Thank the Lord I love middle schoolers... otherwise I would have walked out on the very first day. South side Des Moines kids are no north shore Chicago kids...

But the only thing that I want teach these kids, I can't.

I live for Jesus. So when I can't talk about the the Love of my life, and tell about how He is the only One who brings restoration, it kills me.

Even though I'm exhausted, I'm enjoying teaching. I really am, but... I'm also discovering that being just a Language Arts classroom teacher is much harder for me then I thought it would be. Not "hard" as in "tiring hard", but "heart breaking hard". I can pray and pray and pray for my students one my own time and throughout my day, but so much more do I want to tell them about the Lord. I want to attempt to answer their questions, lay hands on them to pray, encourage them with the Word, and asked them what the Father has been teaching them.

I knew it would be hard for me to be in a classroom and not talk about my God, but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I graduate in May and I have to start making some decisions soon. Des Moines schools have already begun looking to fill teaching positions for the fall. Oi vey...

This summer I'll most likely be working for 3 months in my dream job (more on that later), but after that...?

So here I stand unsure of what to do. [Easily] get a teaching job doing something that I like for when I return to Des Moines? Or trust that come August I'll be able to [maybe] find a position doing this something that I love?

I surrender.

On another note, it's cool how the Lord gives us a word at the exact moment that we need to hear one. He spoke this today... "Looking back over the past few weeks, you can see that you have been in a spiritual maze that you've struggled to find your way through. I have brought you through and you will now be able to move forward in greater clarity and precision. Rejoice in this time, for you will experience heightened discernment and optimum efficiency."

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:5-6).