let it ALL out

nehemiah fascinates me. God gave him a vision and he did it. he wasn't going to let anything stop him because he knew the Father was calling him to rebuild the wall in jerusalem for greater reasons then he could imagine. God gave him a vision and it was his mission to complete this assignment.

then i prayed, "hear us, o our God, for we are being mocked. may their scoffing fall back on their own heads, and may they themselves become captives in a foreign land! do not ignore their guilt. do not blot out their sins, for they have provoked you to anger here in the presence of the builders. (nehemiah 4:4-5, NLT)

dang.

was he pissed, or was he pissed?! nehemiah was annoyed beyond belief. as i think i would be too. think about being outside in the scorching sun all day long lifting stones that weigh more then an elephant, without much water, and then having some group of guys come up to you and say, "you can't accomplish this" or "what's the point in your work? you will fail." i think at that point i'd be tempted to jack someone in the face.

i'm gonna be real with you... i think nehemiah had more guts then most people. like myself, i'm sure everyone out there working just wanted to pound on those guys, and nehemiah probably did as well... but he did something i don't think i'd have to guts to do. he prayed to God asking that their sins be held against them, and basically asked that the Lord would punish them. i give nehemiah mad props for the courage he had to pray the way he did about these people.

am i really aloud to ask God that a person's sins be held against them? if someone like sanballat was standing in my way of a mission God placed on my heart, like i said, i'd defnitely be ticked, but mostlikely i'd do one of three things...

1.) pound him
2.) turn to the person nearest me and begin to complain about how annoyed i was
or 3.) pray, but pray a "bless this person" prayer

i don't think i have the guts to pray like nehemiah did. he let it all out. he held nothing back. i feel that when i pray and i'm angry, i sugercoat my prayers and turn them into something fluffy, when deep down, i'm steaming. since our Father knows our inner thoughts and feelings to begin with, why do we/i have such a hard time praying like nehemiah? or david for that matter. read through some of the psalms... david was a bit pissed off as well. he let everything out.

there are definitely times when i'm angry and all i want to say to God is, " SCREW THEM OVER!", but i never do. i hold it back as if the Father doesn't know what i'm thinking. since i'm thinking it... am i aloud to say it? both nehemiah and david basically said "screw them" in their prayers. i'm having a hard time understanding what's "okay" and what's "not". the line is grey and i'm stuck.

though i question these different areas, i long to be like nehemiah. i long for all believers to be like nehemiah. we need to be brave and tell the Lord exactly what we're feeling, rather then tame it down as if He isn't already aware and because we want to look "christian". we've set boundaries of what can be prayed and what can't be... saying that anything even close to being mean is not acceptable... or is it?

i once read, "the only healthy and profitable thing to do is pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. R-rated words and all."

i don't think that means that when you're praying, start dropping the f-bomb every other word, but i think it does mean, if you're mad, don't be scared to drop a swear word if that's what you're feeling at that moment. wow... there are many times that's all i've wanted to do, but i don't because i feel it's wrong.

but again i ask... is it really okay? both david and nehemiah did it. and david was known as being "a man after God's own heart."

prayer is lead by the Holy Spirit. by channeling frustration about something to our Father, He will direct us and have us pray what we feel led to pray... but now... how do you not feel guilty about praying a prayer like david did? i see why it's okay, but i can also see why it may not be okay...

i'm still stuck.

but...

i long to pray like nehemiah and david.

i long to be a women after God's own heart.

i long to let it ALL out.