along comes change?

The idea of change brings my heart great joy. I’ve always enjoyed “big” change in my life. Moving to new places, new friends, new churches, new opportunities, etc; some people hate change, but for me, it brings a sense of thrill and challenge. More so, I’ve never wanted to be “that person” who seeks out change in order to run away from their problems. I am confident that I have stayed clear from that. Have I thought it at times? Yes, but I’m always able to ask myself, ‘what is the point of wanting (insert change here) to occur?’

In the past when God spoke change over my life, most times I found it easy to follow. I typically look forward to the newness that awaits, but overall, it’s been easy.

Recently, the Lord opened a door that I’ve been praying about for years. I don’t know the outcome, but I know that I need to begin walking through the door to see what specific things He has for me on the other side; mostly to see if they’re what I’ve dreamt of.

It’s funny though. Taking these steps, steps toward more change than I’ve probably ever faced before, I always imagined it would be quite easy for me, simply because of that fact that I have been dreaming about this moment for a long time. Plus, change used to be easy…

But I’m finding myself scared out of my mind. I’ve even found myself trying to think of ways “to get out of it” because the change is just that big.

Through much prayer recently, and from thinking about prayer in years past, I’ve made the decision to walk forward, but am for the first time, completely petrified of this possible change. I’m particularly comfortable with where I’m at, so with that, I sense that the Lord is shaking me a bit. I find it normal for me to be fearful, as long as my fear does not drive my decision.

The great thing is I can identify my fear, as just that, fear. Overcoming fear can be challenging, but with the right focus and drive, it is completely possible.

I’m reminded of Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious in anything…” I understand what Paul was saying, yet it doesn’t decrease the “fear” that lingers. What it does do, and what I feel Paul was trying to get across, was that if we stand firmly trusting God, we know that anything He does or however He answers our prayers, will be most beneficial for the Kingdom. It’s all about God receiving the most Glory.

As He continues to shake me, I’ve committed to walking no matter how fearful I may become. I have a feeling this is big… bigger than I even know. So big that the evil one is trying to distort “change” for me because he does not want me to get anywhere near this open door. Could it be because walking through this door could be detrimental to the enemy’s plan? Quite possibly.

A friend of mine continually reminds me, “Satan isn’t going to attack or act if a person is not a threat. When he attacks, it’s because that person has the possibility to destroy everything he is working toward.”

The Lord spoke over me that 2009 would be a year of “challenge and learning”… I think I’m beginning to see why…

ode to rod b.

a haiku for mr. rod blagojevich:

you tried to sell his
seat and now all you have is
a head of bad hair.

you make illinois proud. good luck on your future endeavors dirt bag.

a different tune this christmas.

like a lot of people, christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. every year i've spent christmas in chicago with my family. i can always count on there being at least three feet of snow on the ground. i've never missed a christmas eve service at the church i grew up in. and watching christmas vacation is a must. there are so many things that i look forward to doing upon returning to illinois.

this year is the same. there's snow on the ground, my family is all here, i'm headed to church tonight, and tomorrow we'll all be on the floor laughing at clark griswald as he attempts to capture a squirrel that escapes in his house.

plus there's a bonus this year... my husband is here to join us. what joy that brings to my heart.

despite everything wonderful that occurs this time of year, there's a saddness that continues to linger over myself and my family...

january 7th my dad will be going back into the hospital, but this time instead of receiving just chemotheropy, he will also be receiving a stem cell transplant. diagnosed last march, he has been in remission from leukemia since august. and because there is no cure of leukemia, it's not a matter of if it will come back, but when. a stem cell transplant is our only hope of a possible cure.

doctors say there is a high chance of success from the procedure; yet there is still that fear that hangs over our heads.

christmas is different this year.
fear. uncertainty. uneasiness.

but with fear, i will remain hopeful and coinfident that my God will come through. whatever that statment means... 'God coming through'. i will continue to believe that He is receiving all the glory that He deserves, no matter the circumstance. and i am most certainly thankful that my father has a close and personal relationship with the King.

christmas is different this year... no, christmas feels different this year. but my God and His sacrifice remains the same.

hallelujah.

falling hard after Love.

i stand, facing a King who forever forgives;
i stand, staring deeply into the eyes of the One who saved my life;
i stand, unaware of the pain that He feels so deeply in his heart;
i stand, watching tears fall from His face.

i cannot stand any longer.

dropping to my knees i become restless and weak;
i hear His cries for the nations and His hopes for the world;
i cannot stand to see His heart break any longer;
i cannot stand to watch a King release His painful agony.

yet i am reminded of Truth...

i am falling hard after Love,
and abundant joy has captured my heart.

Looking to buy?

Need a house? Well we've got the PERFECT one for YOU!

.

The Wild House

light the night.

so be truly glad. there is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. these trials will show that your faith is genuine. it is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. so when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 peter 1:6-7

.

let's fight the battle with Christ lighting the path... light the night

the waiting room.

i walked into my dad's hospital room this past saturday evening, and found my heart instantly begin to break within the first sight of him.

if you've ever had a close family member in the hospital for a serious illness, you probably can relate.

seeing my dad lay in his hospital bed, upset, hurting, and in pain broke me in ways i've never been broken before. i couldn't do anything but sit by his side, hold his hand, and cry with him. this was the first time i'd seen him in the hospital since he got checked in 30 days ago.

and it seems he will be here another 21 days or so...

but what kills me the most is the fact that i can't be here with him these next three weeks. i don't live here anymore, and my life is back in wichita... fiance, job, church... i guess not used to being permanently settled in one place still. in college i could hop in my car and drive the five hour drive to chicago whenever i wanted, but i've learned that being a grown-up is different...

being in the waiting room is hard.

as my dad starts the next round of chemo tonight, my last night in chicago, we can do nothing but pray, wait, and believe that our Creator is greater than leukemia.

thank you for everyone who has been praying. continue to join us in prayer and experience with us the miracle of God's healing hand.

living pepsi?

this has been a challenging summer.

jumping into my internship right atfter school got out without a break... trying to plan a wedding... working more than the hours expected of me... my father finding out that he has acute myeloid leukemia... my roommate suddenly having to move out because of flooding in my basement... attempting to fix the flooding problem... living alone for the first time in my life... struggling with the fact that i can't be with my family as much as i used to... trying to find free time to continue growing in a relationship with matt, read about 8 books for marriage counseling, find alone time with the Lord, time to sleep, etc etc etc...

i've been 'go go go' since august of last year, and i need a break... so i'm headed back to chicago for a week.

don't get me wrong, i love being a youth intern, planning lessons, connecting with kids, helping to plan events, but with everything else falling into my lap this summer, i feel like i've been running on empty ever since may. i haven't been using the right "fuel" this summer...

i've been resorting to my own strength, my own determination, and my own drive to keep me a-goin'... and i'm finally, after many weeks of pushing myself, out of fuel. i know i can't go anywhere else unless i let the right fuel fill me up.

cliche, i know, but no wonder Jesus talks about being Living Water. i'll make it simple... while i've needed Living Water, i've been filling myself with pepsi. it keeps me goin' for a little bit, but soon after i need to drink more, which ultimately leaves me more thirsty, tired, and have you ever tried running after drinking a pepsi? i don't know about you, but i usually get a huge cramp in my side. plus, i can't afford to buy anymore pepsi; it's too expensive.

i think it's about time that i resort back to drinking Water.
Living Water.

2 timothy.

for God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

i've been memorizing some scripture in 2 timothy. this specific verse above, verse 7, captured my attention last night. i had read it before, probably more times than i can count, but last night i read it in a way that i hadn't before.

the Lord reminded me something in this simple verse: He opened my eyes to the power that we have when the Holy Spirit lives within our hearts, and when we allow Him to work through us, mighty and great things will occur.

timidity, fear, anger, apathy, and jealousy do not come from God. when we were created, He did not put within us the spirit of apathy, or the spirit of fear, or the spirit of timidity. the Lord put within us things that show His own character.

if we have within us spirits that are that of God's own character, think of the mighty things we can do through the Holy Spirit. no, i am not saying we are God because we are no where near Him in that sense, nor can we ever be, but that within you and within me, we can have the Holy Spirit. if we have the Holy Spirit living within us, we cannot help but see incredible things happen... people be saved, people be healed, or people fall to their knees in worship.

if you read further, in verse 9b it says, ...not because of anything we have done, but because of God's own purpose and grace. right before that, starting in verse 8, it talks about not being ashamed to testify for the Lord, that He has saved us, and then called us to live a Holy life.

but we can connect what timothy said, or rather what God said through timothy, in verse 7 and this segment in verse 9. God put within us these characteristics to do nothing but Glorify Himself. we did not earn them, we are not worthy people, but He did it so that we may see His Goodness, see His Worthiness, stand in awe of Him, and use His Character to enhance His Kingdom.

if that paragraph was written about anyone but the Lord, i'd say "that is the most selfish thing i've ever heard in my life." but when we're talking about our Creator, the God of the universe, and the One who placed within us not a spirit of timidity, but spirits of power, love, and self discipline, that is the farthest thing from selfishness there is.

weirdo.

my fiance is so weird... but oh how i love him!

dad.

hospitalization has been postponed due to some incompetent doctors who did not follow through in sending my dads results (again!) to the hospital where he'll be receiving chemo.

.

looks like it'll be another week or two before he's admitted.

.

until then, here's a look at his blog that he'll be updating while in the hospital: AML Journey

pain becomes praise.

recently my father was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. he begins chemotherapy tomorrow.

it all began 8 years ago with a routine physical. leukemia never developed over those years, but doctors continued to keep their eyes on his blood and bone morrow. signs even went away, stunning doctors and my family. healthy for two years, nothing wrong.

another routine physical this past January. doctors notice something odd again, but this time more severe. his cells are not producing healthy cells, but leukemic cells which are beginning to spread throughout his body. about 15% of his bone morrow has the leukemic cells in it, while 1/4 of his blood also has the cancerous cells.

my dad was diagnosed with aml... and he starts chemo tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * *

i've been reading a lot in psalms listening to david complain about life. sometimes it's annoying. sometimes i feel sorry for him. sometimes i want to tell him to call the waaaaaaaam-bulance. and sometimes my heart breaks for him. it's interesting to read his heart... the psalms are just that, his heart, and it's not just him whining about not getting his way, but about the sadness, the pain, the fear, the anger, and the joy that his soul so deeply burns with.

even though david seems "whiny" at times, it fascinates me that after every complaint, he brings glory and praise to the Father. he shares the depths of his pain and grief, but never leaves it at that. he always declares the Goodness of God, of His faithfulness, and of the rescue that he has found in Him.

sometimes i wonder if it was easy for david to say "God is Good!" when he had a bunch of crap happening around him. my conclusion is this... no.

it could not have been easy for him.

but when you know the truth, when you are confident of God's promises, and when you understand just a smidgen of His character, the last words to leave your mouth will be praise and glory to the Lord.

i am scared for my dad. it's hard being the only one in my family not there. i don't want to do this in distance. i'd rather cry with my family than without.

yet... i will praise God.

He has allowed my heart to know Himself just a little bit, just as He allowed david to. He has shed a layer of my screened eyes that allows me to shout, "GOD I GIVE YOU GLORY!", even though my emotions and body want me to do nothing but curl up in a little ball, weep, and seclude myself from the rest of the world.

through this unknown, i say 'no' to sorrow, and 'yes' to praise.


Father, i ask that our eyes would look at this situation and stand up in worship, THANKING You for being in charge of this world. i pray that my family would find JOY in this time where we could so easily be destroyed. let this be a testimony that my father can use to share with the world in order to give YOU recognition and praise. we want to focus on dad and the cancer, but i pray God that Glory would be all that drips from our lips; Glory because you are our God, and enhancing your Kingdom is what we live for. in Jesus name, Amen.

declares the Lord.

"for I know the plans I have for you."

learning to need You.

daily i am amazed at the Mercy of the Father. His Grace is never ending. And His Love is eternal. everyone goes through life searching for something to identify with, and attempting to learn about themselves, about others, and about what this life is all about.

whenever i listen to this justin mcroberts song, i can't help but weep.

"i cry out Your name,
i am in need of Your Mercies Jesus,
despite my pride and my shame;
i'm learning to need You."

i know in my head that i need Jesus. i know that the Bible says i need Jesus. and i know that Jesus says that i need Him. but for some reason, i still don't get it.

... so everyday... i am still [just] learning [for the first time, each time] to need You.

and i'm excited to learn again tomorrow.

theknot.com

Check out our wedding website: The Wilds

getting married.

monday march 17th, 2008 - matt proposed while we were snowboarding at snowmass in aspen, colorado.

the Lord had this relationship in mind from the very beginning. we both lived our separate lives; me in chicago and des moines, matt in new york and pennsylvania. matt followed the Lord's calling to wichita back in 2002 when he accepted a job working for cessna aircraft. it took me a few more years, but i found my way to wichita in may of 2007 after graduating college, taking a youth internship, and accepting a great teaching opportunity teaching 7th grade language arts in the wichita public schools.

both of us were unsure about moving to wichita, and even questioned God as to why He'd call us to such a random place; very different from chicago and pennsylvania.

soon after my arrival in wichita matt and i met after church one afternoon. we ran into each other a few other times, but it wasn't until after matt made up an excuse to get my phone number that anything happened between us. he was getting ready to head to chicago and said he might need someone to give him tips of where to go while he was downtown.

smooth.

matt never actually called me while he was in chicago, but the high schooler he was mentoring talked to him the evening he got back into town and told him he needed to get to know me more. that same day i recieved his call.

talking on the phone for a few days led to our first date that next weekend (june 22, 2007).

over the past 9 months the Lord has worked in great ways, teaching both of us incredible things about ourselves, each other, and relationships. God has been our center from day one, and through our patience, obedience, willingness to leave our own selfishness behind, and growth of love for one another and the Lord, He has given us permission to become husband and wife.

i can't wait until october 18, 2008.

here are some pictures from our week in colorado:

the view from where matt proposed in aspen ("Garrett's Gulch")

me crying

my wonderful fiance

my beautiful ring

so excited to get married!

where has all the motivation gone?

i ended the quarter teaching my students poetry. we discussed haiku, monoryhme, cinquain, nonet, shape, along the simple alliteration and acrostic. but their all time favorite type was one called a 'clerihew'.

this specific poem is only four lines long. it's focus is to poke-fun or talk about a celebrity. the first two lines have to rhyme (aka a 'couplet' for those of you lacking in your poetry knowledge), while the second two lines rhyme (the second 'couplet').

today as i was grading their final project, a book composed of their own original poems following the format of seven types that we discussed, i couldn't help but laugh out loud at the creativity that some of my students had while writing their 'clerihew'...

lil' wayne

wears a big chain;

while he's singing

he sure is blinging.

.

.

britney spears

sheds her tears;

when she went bald

the doctor she called.

.

.

justin timberlake

isn't no fake;

he's so fly

i think i'm gonna die.

.

.

beyonce

is jay-z's finance;

he loves her so

she doesn't even know.

.

sure these poems aren't difficult and they don't seem like that big of deal, but you may have to know my 7th graders to understand how proud of them i am.

.

apathy is effecting the world today in ways that it never has before, especially the youth today. if something doesn't involve technology, they don't want to do it. if they have to read something, no way. and if they have to write more than two sentences, absolutely not.

.

my roommate, becky, is a 6th grade science teacher at stucky with me. we carpool to work and usually our drive home is our "complain about lazy and annoying kids" time. but about a month ago our hearts really began to break as we talked about how the spirit of apathy really is engulfing children today. this laziness then continues into high school, college, and follows them into adulthood.

.

i constantly ask myself, 'what can i do to engage my students more and to help them really enjoy learning.' i'm not a teacher who stands in front of the class and lectures while they take notes. we have group discussions, we do group work, we read together, we play games to help them review concepts, and we do a lot of hands-on activities. i'm even lucky enough to have access to [my very own] technology that really [should] grab their attention.

.

yet, even when i make lessons fun and engaging, they still don't care.

.

when they have a 28% in class because they 'just don't want to do homework'... they don't care.

when they get to work with a partner... they'd rather sit and do nothing.

when they are given the opportunity to pick a topic that they enjoy... they choose nothing.

and when they are given an assignment to finish up by the end of the class period... they'd rather take the zero.

.

youth today don't want to work. they want everything handed to them. if it's too hard, they quit. it's a constant battle to get them to focus and really care about school; anything related to working hard that is.

.

what is happening to our world? why has the spirit of apathy begun to take over the sons and daughters of God?

.

for the Lord said that we have been created in the image of Him. apathy is not one of those characteristics. this just reminds me of the sin that we can so easily fall into without even realizing it. God desires, even more than i do, that they would rid themselves of the sin that has engulfed them; that they would run whole-heartedly towards Jesus, willing to continue running even when something hard jumps in their way.

.

.

... maybe i'll have to stick with the clerihew to keep them motivated for now...

where has the passion gone?

i began writing this blog about three years ago when a friend at the time encouraged me to use my love for writing as a ministry tool.

so i began. i wasn't really sure what i was doing or what exactly i was supposed to write about. i just wrote. i shared about God, Love, what i was learning, what i hoped to do in life, what my friends were teaching me, and even at times went deep in order to share my heart.

i stayed "commited" to my blog, writing almost daily. my love for writing continued to grow. i began to see how a silly little blog could actually minister to people via the internet. the effect it was having was confirmed during a visit to ihop in kansas city about two years ago.

yet, somewhere along the way my passion started to dwindle. hence the absence for almost three months. it seems that writing became a chore for me. and even when the Lord opens my eyes to something Glorious, i find myself only wanting to keep it to myself instead of using my story to share God and encourage others. if this is one way that i'm able to reveal God to friends and strangers, why am i not jumping at the opportunity?

what's the deal...?...

i desire that my passion for writing and for sharing my writing, would be reborn within me. i miss logging onto the ol' blog, excited about what i have for the people of cyber space.


on a lighter note...

spring break begins friday, and i cannot express how excited i am to be away from my 110 7th graders for an entire week. oh how i love them, but oh how i need a break from the constant screaming coming from across the room, "ms. cavender i need helppppppppp!!!!"

airport [bliss]

here i sit at the wichita airport, awiting my flight to o'hare. but, as always, o'hare has caused delays for some flights; including mine.

i got to the airport with plenty of time to spare (two hours early). i waited in line for two hours to check my bags. luckily (and not so) within those two hours, my plane managed to be reported as delayed twice. if things go as they predict, we should be in the air within the next hour.

i admit though, i was not happy as i stood in line and heard that i was delayed. i thought a few things, and even said a number of comments under my breath and to the people around me. i purposely gave airport workers dissatisfied looks, and threw negative comments out about the people around me who didn't know how to use the check-in computers.

stressed? indeed.

after walking through security, and getting some food, i found a little spot to sit in order to update the blog (where i am at the moment). i then began thinking...

i had no right to act the way that i did. it's embarassing to think about, let alone express my actions via blog.

the more i thought about my behavior, the stronger the Lord spoke in my heart. i have the privilage of knowing a Savior. i have been rescued and given grace. i know God. i have chosen to give Him my heart, and i have stood delcaring the name of Jesus. i have dedicated my life to living for Jesus Christ, and to enhancing His Kingdom. if all of this is indeed true, then i must act like it. even when i find myself in an airport, surrounded by crabby people who turn to me and say "does that moron even know what he's doing!?" i must live how i say that i live.

but then my heart began to ache. and i couldn't help but ask, 'what would it be like to not know that my heart belonged to the Father?'

how would that change me? who would i be? how would i talk? and how would i act while awaiting a flight to o'hare in the wichita airport?

a glorious thanksgiving.

as matt and i were driving [the 12 hour drive] to chicago from wichita, something glorious began to happen between kansas city and the iowa boarder...

it began to snow.

my mom had been telling me that for the past few weeks, chicago has been getting flurries and serious snow was in the radar. i was jealous. it snows in kansas, but nothing like chicago snow.

just the other day it was 75 degrees in wichita. and as far as i know, there is no snow predicted in the near future.

so if someone were to ask me what's one thing that i'm thankful for this thanksgiving, as ridiculous as it may seem, i'd say that i'm thankful for snow. you don't realize how much something means to you until you don't have it... and in this instance, moving permanently away from chicago and des moines, i've moved away from big snows.

i think i will go out and build a snowman.