CHOSEN.

According to my husband... I'm one lucky girl.

I was chosen.  Yes, chosen.  Chosen to serve on Jury Duty.  Hooray!...?... I think...

When I first told my husband he said, and I quote, "Good job babe!  That's like winning the lottary, right?!"

Today was my second day viewing the case and it has been quite an interesting experience.  Obviously I cannot say anything about the case until we have come to a verdict and the case has been closed, but let's just say it's intriguing, boring, and disheartening all at the same time.

I certainly don't want to serve every year of my life, but I would say that if you ever have the chance to do it, take it as a learning experience and enjoy the time you do have to be there.

jury summons.

I never thought I'd be summoned for jury duty, but Saturday night I walked into my house to find an envelope with my name on it from the Sedgwick County Courthouse.  The first thought that came to my head was, "for real...?!"

I slowly opened the envelope hoping it wasn't what I thought it was, but alas, I read in big bold letters across the top of the paper, JURY SUMMONS.

While reading through the letter, I hoped that under the list of people who could be excused was "anyone involved in the educational system", but no such luck.  Instead they dealt with the inability to understand English, having been convicted of a crime over the past ten years, or breast feeding mothers.  I, obviously, did not fall into any of those categories.

I had a few friends giving me ideas of how to get out of it... some suggested dressing up like a character from a movie like Princess Lea from Star Wars, while others remained simple, claiming that I knew the person being tried.

After thinking about it for a while, I began to get excited about having this opportunity.  Luckily, the day that I have been summoned, is only an in-service day for me at school, so I get to miss sitting through incredibly boring presentations and I won't have to plan for a sub. 

I do hope that if I do get picked to serve on the jury, that it won't be for some horrendous murder case that lasts for weeks; I cannot miss that much school...

All in all, the man has spoken, and I must complete my duty.

spotlight.

I cannot wait to go see these guys in October. It'll be my fifth time seeing them live and I already know they're going to blow me away, just as they have every show I've been to.

Their new CD, Armistance, just came out earlier this week. It of course, is incredible.

where art thou fair?

One thing I looked forward to while living in Des Moines was the Iowa State Fair. There's nothing like eating [just about] anything you want on a stick, mullet hunting, and checking out a life size sculpture made out of butter.

Kansas and Iowa are very similar in the fact that they're flat, windy, and quite honestly, just plain boring. BUT, Iowa has one of the best fairs in the nation, so in a battle between the two states, Iowa wins by a mile.

This is the third year in a row that I have not been able to enjoy the beauty that is the Iowa State Fair, and quite honestly, I do covet those who get to attend. I've gone to a few fairs here in Kansas, but none of them compare.

Maybe one day I will return and relive the beautiful event that occurs every August, but for now I'll continue dreaming of eating a scruptious state fair corn dog covered in ketchup.

room to breathe again.

Traveling does something to my spirit that not many other things do. I find a joy and a peace that is reborn within me when I have the opportunity to travel outside of my current home. Whether it be to a town an hour away, or to another country. I've never been one to stay home during weekends, one to not go anywhere when I didn't need to be at school or work, or for that matter, I've never been one to stay living in one place for very long. I love change, even if it's only to the other side of town.

This summer was the first summer since I was a junior in high school (2002) that I didn't work. I wasn't sure how I'd handle all of the free time that I had in my future or what exactly I'd fill my time with, but quickly I learned that I needed time to rest and enjoy everything that the Lord had in store for me.

I was able to do a lot of traveling this summer, which was a huge blessing. I got to spend a week in Estes Park, Colorado at the YMCA of the Rockies with a group of 45 middle and high school students, I took a road trip to Chicago to visit my family with a good friend, and I then spent a little over a week in Ciudad Victoria, Mexico with 25 high school students. Now, these trips may not have been "typical" vacations considering I was responsible for the well being of kids for 2/3 of my getaways, but I was able to witness students making life commitments to serving Jesus Christ. That beats out any tropical vacay.

I was greatly rejuvenated this summer with my trips and having time to rest. I tried some new recipes that my husband claims are delicious. I used my bike the most I have in years. I was able to hang out with an awesome friend for hours on end catching up on 24. I mentored three high school girls who are incredible young women. And I even started scrapbooking our honeymoon, which I finished last week!

But what I am most thankful for is how the Lord reminded me of His beauty.

I often forget how lucky I am and how much I have. God has been tugging at my heart all summer, but with what? I'm not exactly sure... but what I do know is that He is working. He is creating something new within my heart, and excitingly within my husband’s heart as well.

There is a reason Matt has not gotten laid off from Cessna like many of our friends have. There is a reason my trip to Chicago ended up costing me 1/4 of what I thought it would. There is a reason I have not made the career change that I had hoped. There is a reason why I met the people I did this summer, and there is a reason why I am unsure of what's next.

It's easy for me to say that the summer brought me to a better place because I wasn't around my students, I didn't have to plan, didn't have to work, blah blah blah... did these things help my spirit? Yes, of course they did. But it was more then that.

I had no idea that God was going to bring to light the things that He did. The best part is when I can be on my knees, praising God for who He is, even in unknown circumstances.

watch.

To continue my rant of MuteMath, and for your enjoyment, here is their video for Typical (came out last year-ish).

Enjoy!

brilliant.

I took this picture at the last MuteMath concert I went to. If you know me, you probably know at least three things regarding myself and music:

One, I personally am not musically talented. Two, I'm a die-hard 'NSYNC and Justin Timberlake fan. And three, I think MuteMath is absolutely brilliant.

Witnessing MuteMath perform is an experience I can only attempt to describe. From the moment they walk on stage, to the moment they disappear backstage, can leave one standing in complete disbelief. The lights, the sounds, the movements, the voices, the Truth, the Beauty that is displayed throughout their each of their shows is astounding.

I've been able to experience [not watch] four of their shows, and one evening actually ended sitting at Denny's having a discussion with Paul Meany about his dislike for Nickelback (quite amusing). Nice guys. Down to earth, real, funny, and just like on stage, filled with Joy and Truth.

Tonight my sister sent me a website which features Paul, Greg, and Darren (sadly no Roy) on a worship CD leading some incredible songs. I found myself near tears. Simply because of how stunning and beautiful their sound is; I knew it would be, it always is, but it's refreshing to actually hear that same brilliance over and over and over again.

These guys are for real.

I must say, these four men have a gift. And what's even greater, is that they know it. How awesome is that?! They recognized God, recognized the gift He's blessed them with, and then scream it out wherever they go. "Christian" music or not, who cares. What matters is that they have identified their Savior, devoted their lives to sharing that Love, and then tell about who He is during every moment on and off stage.

If you haven't seen 'em, head to youtube and check out some of their stuff. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

"It's all the economy's fault!"

I'm not a dedicated Oprah watcher, but every now and then if I get home early from school and need some time to unwind, I'll check out what the topic of the show is. Yesterday I got home, sat my butt on the couch, flipped on the tube, and found my heart breaking the moment The Oprah show began.

The entire show was dedicated to talking with married couples who were finding themselves near divorce, or already there, because of the economic state of our nation. Couples joined the show through skyp, via phone, and some were at the show to share of the struggles they have been facing over the past year.

One lady said, "The economic situation is killing my marriage." Right after she said this, I found myself repeating over and over again to myself, "no... the economy isn't killing your marriage, you and your husband are killing your marriage." It broke my heart to listen to these couples who wanted to call it quits because "things are just too hard." Guess what people, no matter the state of the economy, the state of your health, or the state of your finances, things will be difficult.

The reality is, there isn't a push for marriage to be as sacred as it used to be, or as a matter of fact, as it should be. It seems that today it's just something that people choose to do, and when it gets hard, it's okay to make a quick exit. It's easy to point your finger at things, such as the economy, to blame and use as an excuse to run away from uncertainties.

Everyday I discover just how selfish I am; I have to daily allow God to strip away my "it's all about me" attitude and transform me. If we don't at least try to change this "me, me, me" persona we're all guilty of at times, I can certainly understand how this attitude has the ability to control our thoughts and actions in drastic ways. If I didn't daily surrender to God, I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't be married, nor would I even be able to be in a relationship with someone that lasted more than a week.

Choosing to love your spouse and stick with them no matter what is exactly what we as married couples signed up for. A feeling is only a small portion of love. Love consists of something greater; you choose to love. It's a choice.

I was so disturbed by the couples that shared their situations because quite honestly, it felt like a cop-out to me. Maybe they really are losing money, or they really can't find a job, or they can't retire anymore... it's probably valid because we are in an economic crisis, and I do empathize with them. But my point is, where is the commitment that people promised one another on their wedding day? Why can a wife justify tearing down and blaming her hard working husband for getting laid off and not being able to find another job? Since when did marriage become about ourselves and whatever makes me happy?

Where is the sacred institution that God designed at the beginning for a man and wife to become one and to be committed to one another for their time on earth?

If the economy continues to fall, will we continue to love, support, and stick with our life partner? Or will we run because we don't like instability and things become too challenging and too much work?

If the economy is to blame for a divorce,and if things continue to go down hill, we're all doomed...

along comes change?

The idea of change brings my heart great joy. I’ve always enjoyed “big” change in my life. Moving to new places, new friends, new churches, new opportunities, etc; some people hate change, but for me, it brings a sense of thrill and challenge. More so, I’ve never wanted to be “that person” who seeks out change in order to run away from their problems. I am confident that I have stayed clear from that. Have I thought it at times? Yes, but I’m always able to ask myself, ‘what is the point of wanting (insert change here) to occur?’

In the past when God spoke change over my life, most times I found it easy to follow. I typically look forward to the newness that awaits, but overall, it’s been easy.

Recently, the Lord opened a door that I’ve been praying about for years. I don’t know the outcome, but I know that I need to begin walking through the door to see what specific things He has for me on the other side; mostly to see if they’re what I’ve dreamt of.

It’s funny though. Taking these steps, steps toward more change than I’ve probably ever faced before, I always imagined it would be quite easy for me, simply because of that fact that I have been dreaming about this moment for a long time. Plus, change used to be easy…

But I’m finding myself scared out of my mind. I’ve even found myself trying to think of ways “to get out of it” because the change is just that big.

Through much prayer recently, and from thinking about prayer in years past, I’ve made the decision to walk forward, but am for the first time, completely petrified of this possible change. I’m particularly comfortable with where I’m at, so with that, I sense that the Lord is shaking me a bit. I find it normal for me to be fearful, as long as my fear does not drive my decision.

The great thing is I can identify my fear, as just that, fear. Overcoming fear can be challenging, but with the right focus and drive, it is completely possible.

I’m reminded of Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious in anything…” I understand what Paul was saying, yet it doesn’t decrease the “fear” that lingers. What it does do, and what I feel Paul was trying to get across, was that if we stand firmly trusting God, we know that anything He does or however He answers our prayers, will be most beneficial for the Kingdom. It’s all about God receiving the most Glory.

As He continues to shake me, I’ve committed to walking no matter how fearful I may become. I have a feeling this is big… bigger than I even know. So big that the evil one is trying to distort “change” for me because he does not want me to get anywhere near this open door. Could it be because walking through this door could be detrimental to the enemy’s plan? Quite possibly.

A friend of mine continually reminds me, “Satan isn’t going to attack or act if a person is not a threat. When he attacks, it’s because that person has the possibility to destroy everything he is working toward.”

The Lord spoke over me that 2009 would be a year of “challenge and learning”… I think I’m beginning to see why…

ode to rod b.

a haiku for mr. rod blagojevich:

you tried to sell his
seat and now all you have is
a head of bad hair.

you make illinois proud. good luck on your future endeavors dirt bag.

a different tune this christmas.

like a lot of people, christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. every year i've spent christmas in chicago with my family. i can always count on there being at least three feet of snow on the ground. i've never missed a christmas eve service at the church i grew up in. and watching christmas vacation is a must. there are so many things that i look forward to doing upon returning to illinois.

this year is the same. there's snow on the ground, my family is all here, i'm headed to church tonight, and tomorrow we'll all be on the floor laughing at clark griswald as he attempts to capture a squirrel that escapes in his house.

plus there's a bonus this year... my husband is here to join us. what joy that brings to my heart.

despite everything wonderful that occurs this time of year, there's a saddness that continues to linger over myself and my family...

january 7th my dad will be going back into the hospital, but this time instead of receiving just chemotheropy, he will also be receiving a stem cell transplant. diagnosed last march, he has been in remission from leukemia since august. and because there is no cure of leukemia, it's not a matter of if it will come back, but when. a stem cell transplant is our only hope of a possible cure.

doctors say there is a high chance of success from the procedure; yet there is still that fear that hangs over our heads.

christmas is different this year.
fear. uncertainty. uneasiness.

but with fear, i will remain hopeful and coinfident that my God will come through. whatever that statment means... 'God coming through'. i will continue to believe that He is receiving all the glory that He deserves, no matter the circumstance. and i am most certainly thankful that my father has a close and personal relationship with the King.

christmas is different this year... no, christmas feels different this year. but my God and His sacrifice remains the same.

hallelujah.

falling hard after Love.

i stand, facing a King who forever forgives;
i stand, staring deeply into the eyes of the One who saved my life;
i stand, unaware of the pain that He feels so deeply in his heart;
i stand, watching tears fall from His face.

i cannot stand any longer.

dropping to my knees i become restless and weak;
i hear His cries for the nations and His hopes for the world;
i cannot stand to see His heart break any longer;
i cannot stand to watch a King release His painful agony.

yet i am reminded of Truth...

i am falling hard after Love,
and abundant joy has captured my heart.

Looking to buy?

Need a house? Well we've got the PERFECT one for YOU!

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The Wild House

light the night.

so be truly glad. there is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. these trials will show that your faith is genuine. it is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. so when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 peter 1:6-7

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let's fight the battle with Christ lighting the path... light the night

the waiting room.

i walked into my dad's hospital room this past saturday evening, and found my heart instantly begin to break within the first sight of him.

if you've ever had a close family member in the hospital for a serious illness, you probably can relate.

seeing my dad lay in his hospital bed, upset, hurting, and in pain broke me in ways i've never been broken before. i couldn't do anything but sit by his side, hold his hand, and cry with him. this was the first time i'd seen him in the hospital since he got checked in 30 days ago.

and it seems he will be here another 21 days or so...

but what kills me the most is the fact that i can't be here with him these next three weeks. i don't live here anymore, and my life is back in wichita... fiance, job, church... i guess not used to being permanently settled in one place still. in college i could hop in my car and drive the five hour drive to chicago whenever i wanted, but i've learned that being a grown-up is different...

being in the waiting room is hard.

as my dad starts the next round of chemo tonight, my last night in chicago, we can do nothing but pray, wait, and believe that our Creator is greater than leukemia.

thank you for everyone who has been praying. continue to join us in prayer and experience with us the miracle of God's healing hand.

living pepsi?

this has been a challenging summer.

jumping into my internship right atfter school got out without a break... trying to plan a wedding... working more than the hours expected of me... my father finding out that he has acute myeloid leukemia... my roommate suddenly having to move out because of flooding in my basement... attempting to fix the flooding problem... living alone for the first time in my life... struggling with the fact that i can't be with my family as much as i used to... trying to find free time to continue growing in a relationship with matt, read about 8 books for marriage counseling, find alone time with the Lord, time to sleep, etc etc etc...

i've been 'go go go' since august of last year, and i need a break... so i'm headed back to chicago for a week.

don't get me wrong, i love being a youth intern, planning lessons, connecting with kids, helping to plan events, but with everything else falling into my lap this summer, i feel like i've been running on empty ever since may. i haven't been using the right "fuel" this summer...

i've been resorting to my own strength, my own determination, and my own drive to keep me a-goin'... and i'm finally, after many weeks of pushing myself, out of fuel. i know i can't go anywhere else unless i let the right fuel fill me up.

cliche, i know, but no wonder Jesus talks about being Living Water. i'll make it simple... while i've needed Living Water, i've been filling myself with pepsi. it keeps me goin' for a little bit, but soon after i need to drink more, which ultimately leaves me more thirsty, tired, and have you ever tried running after drinking a pepsi? i don't know about you, but i usually get a huge cramp in my side. plus, i can't afford to buy anymore pepsi; it's too expensive.

i think it's about time that i resort back to drinking Water.
Living Water.

2 timothy.

for God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

i've been memorizing some scripture in 2 timothy. this specific verse above, verse 7, captured my attention last night. i had read it before, probably more times than i can count, but last night i read it in a way that i hadn't before.

the Lord reminded me something in this simple verse: He opened my eyes to the power that we have when the Holy Spirit lives within our hearts, and when we allow Him to work through us, mighty and great things will occur.

timidity, fear, anger, apathy, and jealousy do not come from God. when we were created, He did not put within us the spirit of apathy, or the spirit of fear, or the spirit of timidity. the Lord put within us things that show His own character.

if we have within us spirits that are that of God's own character, think of the mighty things we can do through the Holy Spirit. no, i am not saying we are God because we are no where near Him in that sense, nor can we ever be, but that within you and within me, we can have the Holy Spirit. if we have the Holy Spirit living within us, we cannot help but see incredible things happen... people be saved, people be healed, or people fall to their knees in worship.

if you read further, in verse 9b it says, ...not because of anything we have done, but because of God's own purpose and grace. right before that, starting in verse 8, it talks about not being ashamed to testify for the Lord, that He has saved us, and then called us to live a Holy life.

but we can connect what timothy said, or rather what God said through timothy, in verse 7 and this segment in verse 9. God put within us these characteristics to do nothing but Glorify Himself. we did not earn them, we are not worthy people, but He did it so that we may see His Goodness, see His Worthiness, stand in awe of Him, and use His Character to enhance His Kingdom.

if that paragraph was written about anyone but the Lord, i'd say "that is the most selfish thing i've ever heard in my life." but when we're talking about our Creator, the God of the universe, and the One who placed within us not a spirit of timidity, but spirits of power, love, and self discipline, that is the farthest thing from selfishness there is.

weirdo.

my fiance is so weird... but oh how i love him!

dad.

hospitalization has been postponed due to some incompetent doctors who did not follow through in sending my dads results (again!) to the hospital where he'll be receiving chemo.

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looks like it'll be another week or two before he's admitted.

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until then, here's a look at his blog that he'll be updating while in the hospital: AML Journey

pain becomes praise.

recently my father was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. he begins chemotherapy tomorrow.

it all began 8 years ago with a routine physical. leukemia never developed over those years, but doctors continued to keep their eyes on his blood and bone morrow. signs even went away, stunning doctors and my family. healthy for two years, nothing wrong.

another routine physical this past January. doctors notice something odd again, but this time more severe. his cells are not producing healthy cells, but leukemic cells which are beginning to spread throughout his body. about 15% of his bone morrow has the leukemic cells in it, while 1/4 of his blood also has the cancerous cells.

my dad was diagnosed with aml... and he starts chemo tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * *

i've been reading a lot in psalms listening to david complain about life. sometimes it's annoying. sometimes i feel sorry for him. sometimes i want to tell him to call the waaaaaaaam-bulance. and sometimes my heart breaks for him. it's interesting to read his heart... the psalms are just that, his heart, and it's not just him whining about not getting his way, but about the sadness, the pain, the fear, the anger, and the joy that his soul so deeply burns with.

even though david seems "whiny" at times, it fascinates me that after every complaint, he brings glory and praise to the Father. he shares the depths of his pain and grief, but never leaves it at that. he always declares the Goodness of God, of His faithfulness, and of the rescue that he has found in Him.

sometimes i wonder if it was easy for david to say "God is Good!" when he had a bunch of crap happening around him. my conclusion is this... no.

it could not have been easy for him.

but when you know the truth, when you are confident of God's promises, and when you understand just a smidgen of His character, the last words to leave your mouth will be praise and glory to the Lord.

i am scared for my dad. it's hard being the only one in my family not there. i don't want to do this in distance. i'd rather cry with my family than without.

yet... i will praise God.

He has allowed my heart to know Himself just a little bit, just as He allowed david to. He has shed a layer of my screened eyes that allows me to shout, "GOD I GIVE YOU GLORY!", even though my emotions and body want me to do nothing but curl up in a little ball, weep, and seclude myself from the rest of the world.

through this unknown, i say 'no' to sorrow, and 'yes' to praise.


Father, i ask that our eyes would look at this situation and stand up in worship, THANKING You for being in charge of this world. i pray that my family would find JOY in this time where we could so easily be destroyed. let this be a testimony that my father can use to share with the world in order to give YOU recognition and praise. we want to focus on dad and the cancer, but i pray God that Glory would be all that drips from our lips; Glory because you are our God, and enhancing your Kingdom is what we live for. in Jesus name, Amen.