happy birthday dad

tomorrow is my dad's 55th birthday. sadly, i won't be able to make it back to lake forest to celebrate with him. i'm not usually one to remember how we have celebrated our family members birthdays in the past, yet i can guess that almost every year in the past for my dad's birthday, we've gone to his (and my) favorite sushi restaurant for dinner. it's a good easy way to celebrate; dinner with the people you love.

also, i'm certainly never able to recall what presents i bought for people in the past. sometimes i even fear buying someone something that i may have bought for them on a previous birthday.

but... i don't think i will ever forget what my family did and what i bought my dad for his 52nd birthday back in 2002.

my dad didn't want to do anything too fancy, so instead of going out, our family stayed in and ate one of my mom's famous home cooked meals. after dinner my dad made his way up to his room to rest before opening his presents. we all decided to let him relax in his favorite chair and we gathered together in my parents room to give him his gifts. one by one we went around the room... i was last... and i was nervous...

my dad has this ability to just hold a wrapped present and guess exactly what it is, so the second he took the present from my hand, he knew it was a book... but he had no idea what book...

when he ripped the wrapping paper off, his eyes caught a glimpse of the title, "let's roll." now, if you are unfamiliar with this book, let me explain...

the lady who wrote this book, lisa beamer, wrote it about her husband, todd beamer, who was one of the hero's on flight 93 from september 11th. he was one of the men that took down the terrorists, causing the plane to crash in the middle of pennsylvania, rather then into the white house. right before they attacked the terrorists on the plane, someone said, "are you ready?" todd beamer replied with, "let's roll." the book is about his life, their family, and his love for the Lord.

when my dad saw the title, he began to cry... no weep. when we lived out in california my dad worked with david beamer, todd's dad. my dad knew their family very well. i wanted to give this book to my dad because of how personal it was... though he cried and cried and cried... he couldn't stop thanking me for the wonderful gift. he talked about how he will never forget where he was when he found out about todd... just as i will never forget that i was sitting in 2nd period chemistry when i first heard, and watched, the 2nd plane hit the world trade center.

this past sunday (september 11), there was a special about flight 93 called "the flight that fought back." i watched it... i didn't know todd beamer... but i cried. i cried because i knew that my dad was most likely watching it back at home, but also because of the tears he shed when i gave him that book for his birthday 3 years ago.

have you ever seen your dad cry? let alone weep?... man... no words can describe how heart wrenching and painful it is to watch your dad sob.

got me thinking though... the thought of my Father crying, Yeshua crying... tears fall with just the quick thought of it.

crying is painful, but so powerful.

so cry. (especially if you're a boy - it's okay to cry... i'm giving you permission to cry).

so again... cry.

ouch

today i was lucky enough to get a revisit from the slipped disc fairy...

i literally have the back of a 45 year old woman... science should seriously look into back transplants.

i really need one.

bad.

laguna obsession

i confess... i'm obsessed with the show laguna beach. maybe you've heard it. it's on mtv every monday night. it's probably not one of the best show's to truly enjoy, but for some odd reason, i love it. every monday night at 9:00 you can find me getting my laguna fix for the week.

the whole concept of the show is getting a look at the dramatic lives of 8 high school seniors (and a couple college freshman) living in laguna beach, california. these kids come from families that are insanely wealthy, so you can imagine a few ways in which they live. each episode is filled with drama concerning the people they don't like and/or an ex (or current) boy/girlfriend. and boy do they have dirty mouths! i know... sounds ridiculous and trashy... and the thing is, it is... but there's something about it that pulls me in.

in a weird sick way, this show reminds me of home. laguna beach is almost an exact replica of my home town (minus being next to the ocean). i was surrounded by kids just like these all through high school. definitely annoying at times because of the drama that was brought, but i did the best i could to stay clear of letting that drama enter into my life. i hate drama, but it's high school so every now and then it never failed to seep in through the cracks of my life that i swore i was protecting.

the kids on laguna beach welcome drama in with open arms... the drama occurs... and i am sucked in. i don't get it.

here is my conclusion... we always want to have something exciting going on in our lives, otherwise we'll get bored. i think laguna beach serves as my small dose of drama that i don't have. yes crazy things happen in my life, but nothing like laguna... at least never often. though i love the show, i am glad that i don't live that kind of life. it's okay at a distance, but the thought of living that way... makes me want to gouge my eyes out.

it makes me sad at times to watch these kids and know that they are living for nothing. they are constantly going from one thing to the next, because they need more excitement. their relationships become boring after a week, so they move onto the next person. they cheat on their boy/girlfriends. they mess with each others minds. they make up rumors for attention... they are in one of the most beautiful cities in the united states, where the Lord is beaming, yet they are blind. it really does make me sad...

when i go home, i'm realizing more and more how much i can see the characters of laguna right next door. i think my town is absolutely beautiful (i hope that doesn't sound cocky, because it's not meant to), but i wish that people would get past their money, get past their bmw's and land rovers, get past their daddy's credit cards, and SEE Jesus. this is why people in america are turning away more and more from the Lord... all these material items, and our need for drama, blind us.

oh laguna.

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just a side note: if you don't have the postal service cd give up, go get it. make sure to listen to #3 and #4... i can't stop listening to these two songs.

trip to the post office

what i love about my job is the freedom that it offers. yes i work in a typical office, but most of the time i'm out running from place to place delivering, picking up, buying, all sorts of things that the lawyers say they need done. if/when i am in the office, i sit in the small library either catching up on homework or some reading, until someone lets me know they need me to run an errand. even then, if an errand doesn't have to be run by a certain time, i wait until i have about 5 places to go, so i can do them all at once while i'm out.

this morning i sat doing homework from 9am-11am. at 11:00 i took off for the bank, another law firm, the court house, the treasury, and finally the post office.

when i got to the post office around 11:45, i pulled up behind a car with a "thank you Jesus" sticker on it. as i walked by, because of the dork i am i mumbled a big "rock on" to myself, then contined to make my way to the end of the line inside. soon after i got in line walked in a man and a woman about 80 years old. right away my eyes were drawn to this couple, yet i didn't know why. the man joined in the line behind me, but continued to wonder around the post office as if he was looking for something. i was confused. he then tapped me on the shoulder, asking me if i was in line. i turned, smiled, and said yes.

after my response, he lifted up his hand, patted me against my bank and said, "does that cross you have around your neck have any significance?"

a blessed conversation began...

i stood and listened to loren explain to me the ministry, "thank you Jesus cross ministries", him and his wife had started a number of years back. he spoke of how being a retired carpenter was hard because he spends a lot of money buying lumber for the crosses and plaques that he makes for their ministry. "we are trying to rent out an apartment we have in order to raise some more money... the Lord will bless us though." he continued on with telling me about his youngest daughter who just got back from tahiti where she was there for 4 months doing mission work; "she wants to be a missionary."

as i listened, i became unconscious of the world around me. i couldn't get past how excited and passionate this wrinkly 6'5" man was about Jesus, life, and his ministry.

it was encouraging. the exact encouragement i needed.

he waited til it was my turn in line and then proceeded to leave the line with me, abandoning his turn. he walked with me outside. "i want to give you one of the crosses i made and i want you to meet my wife." as loren opened his trunk, it was full of wooden crosses that he had made from scratch... understand this... i'm not usually a fan of "Jesus" wooden plaques and trinkets, but there was something special about this one. i then met jeanne, loren's wife. she took the cross, writing my name and the date on it. i couldn't stop smiling... what a blessed trip to the post office.

loren continued on speaking about the Lord, and all i could do was listen. his passion flowed out. he then stopped, looked at me for maybe 10 seconds without any words, then turned to his wife and said, "honey... can't you just see Jesus shining out from behind this young lady's beautiful eyes... He is alive in her. i can see Him."

what a wonderful encounter.

i don't think loren and jeanne will ever know the encouragement they poured on me this morning. i have their number... maybe i should visit them sometime. old people like that...

best trip to the post office ever.

life long position

currently i'm working on getting a degree in secondary education (junior high specifically) focusing on both english and reading. i love kids, especially midget ones who range from ages 11-14. yes, they're cocky, stuck up, "too cool", and smart aleck... but they are unlike any other age group. it may not seem like it, but all they want is older people to love on them. they desire to be loved and desire to have someone older tell them they can do something; that they can make a difference.

reminds me of a verse... don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity (1 timothy 4:12, NLT)

kids are constantly being told that they wrong... that they don't know anything... that they could never make a difference. and then we wonder why this age group is so troubled. they are in dire need of love. they need people telling them that they are worth something and that they too have been called on a mission by Yeshua. i was honored... and blessed... to be able to work with the junior high youth group, powerlife, at my church last year. the girls in my group were incredible. i witnessed transformation in each of them. as the year went on, the more they were told 'they matter' and 'they too have a battle to fight', their passion for Jesus flourished. beauteous. people may not think it, but middle schoolers watch older people like hawks. and even when you don't think they're listening, they've heard you loud and clear. 11-14 year olds are not dumb... yes they do stupid things, but so do people who are 25, or even 55. we don't give these kids enough credit. we treat them as though they've already failed, which only sets them up for future failure. it's sad.

i keep using "kids"...

in today's world, the definition of "kid" is: someone younger then 18 who doesn't know a whole lot, doesn't know what's best for them, and gets in trouble often.

but i tell ya... i would love to be called a kid or a child. our definition of these words is skewed. the Father uses these words with a different definition in mind.

the Lord protects those of childlike faith (psalm 116:6, NLT)

• we need to start the foundation of Jesus Christ early within kids. as people get older, it gets harder and harder for the Truth to be heard... adults have lost their sense of faith and hope... they need physical proof to believe something. children don't need that physical evidence.

the real children of abraham, then, are all those who put their faith in God (galatians 3:7)

so you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus (galatians 3:26)

everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is a child of God (1 john 5:1)

we are called to be children; to have child-like faith. why have we turned "kid" or "child" into such a negative connotation? i pray we refocus, and we rediscover what the true meaning of child is. 13 year olds lash out because being a "child" has become negative... it whispers to them that they are not capable.

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i say all this because of my passion for reaching this age group... yet i now stand at a crossroad... is this really where i'm being called...

i think i would definitely enjoy teaching, but... i wouldn't be able to share the Good News with my students. that saddens me. i can only pray for them on my own time. my heart longs to share Jesus with them, but because of laws inside classrooms, i am unable to speak one word about God.

there is a leader at my church who in college was going to school for elementary education, but once she realized that she ached to share the Word and wouldn't be able to inside of a school, she realized she was being called to full time ministry. i'm not saying that is my case, but i wonder...

with grounded developing, my heart is changing. i still have a passion for middle school kids, but more and more my heart is breaking to reach 18-24 year olds. i strongly feel that both of these age groups are going to be a huge part of my life, yet i'm not exactly sure how.

a friend of mine once asked me, "if you could get paid to do anything in the world, what would it be?"... my answer was something along the lines of "graduate from college and work with people, but i'm not really sure." ... well... i think i finally have an answer... and because of the longing i have for this, i wonder if it's where He is calling me...

i want to work as a counselor in a church, focusing on people 25 and younger... while being heavily involved in college aged ministry.

whew. that felt good to say.

2 things... first, what is it that you want to do? - could God be calling you to a job that you're not currently in? - do you believe the position you have is where the Father wants you? maybe, maybe not... i challenge you to evaluate where you are and if it aligns with the passion Jesus has painted on your heart.

secondly, say a quick little prayer for me. as much as i want to know right now, i'm okay with the Lord telling me when it's time. i don't want to be more concerned about His will for me then He is. i believe the truth will be revealed in time. but until then, pray.

reason for absence

i'm home sick.

really home sick. i'm not talkin illinois-chitown-cavender family-my bed in lake forest-home sick... i'm talking about my real home. the home where my Daddy lives.

all i want to do... is just go home...

brings me back

smell is the most sensitive sense that triggers memories of past experiences. usually right when an aroma surrounds you, you can determine whether you like it or don't. also, smell can bring you back to those specific significant moments in your life, where if you hadn't encountered the aroma, you may never have thought about that certain event ever again.

today i was pulled back... as i helped a friend of mine carry her groceries up to her apartment, i began to inhale a familiar smell. suddenly i found myself replaying a scene in my head from when i was 7 years old...

the smell brought me back to my dentist's office when i lived out in california. i always hated going there... dr. gabore... that was her name. i certainly never thought very highly of her. she had a cool dentist office, but she was m-e-a-n. so mean. my hatred for her rose on a specific day in april of 1992... the day i had to get my first cavity filled.

as i walked into the back room, holding my blanket closely to my body, dr. gabore explained to my mom that she did not allow parents in the back, even during fillings... but not only that, she explained that she did not believe in using any kind of novocaine or anesthetics (she was russian and began her practice there which could explain some things). as a 7 year old, i didn't really have any idea what was going to occur or how necessary novocaine was during a filling.

the aroma that i smelt today pulled me back to one of the worst hours of my childhood. i could do nothing by cringe...

as i remembered myself crying... no... weeping and screaming in pain, she told to me numerous times, "stop being a baby!" my arms had been tied down, while her assistant held my legs to prevent me from kicking, as she did the procedure of destroying my tiny cavity. over and over again i told her i had to go to the bathroom... my plan was to either lock myself in the bathroom forever, or just run out of the office and never come back... but she replied with, "go in your pants you baby!"

let me remind you... seven years old with no pain killers... SEVEN years old with NO pain killers... NO PAIN KILLERS. if you've never had a cavity, just know that without any sort of anesthetic during a filling, it is honestly one of the most painful things there is.

two things changed that day. first, we went in search of a new dentist who actually liked children. and secondly, i grew a phobia of dentists and drills, which i still have today. even the sound of a drill pulls me back to being 7 years old and brings tears to my eyes. the smell though... i felt like i was reliving that moment from 13 years ago. even though a random smell pulled me back to that horrible moment, i still absolutely love smells. any time that a scent of something takes me back to the past, i know that that moment was life changing for me in some way or another.

when i smell roses... i'm pulled back to when my dad bought me flowers for the first time and how loved i felt. the smell of rum... it brings me back to the first and only time i was ever drunk, which still to this day makes me dry heave. the smell of salt water... it pushes me back to staying at my beach house in california. the smell of a certain cologne... it allows me to remember my first kiss and how nervous i was. ...and the smell of dr. gabore's office... it causes me to remember the torture she put me through.

throughout all this, it got me thinking about heaven. will we be able to smell in heaven? is there going to be smells or even senses? could i be walking along the road, catch a quick whiff of fresh bread and be pulled back to the first time my mom ever made bread when we were living on earth? are we even going to be able to remember our lives on earth? will we even be able to remember what smell is? will there only be smells of beauty? will we be too focused on Yeshua to even notice an aroma?

i'll be honest though... i hope that we do smell. i want to smell... i think i want to be brought back to some of those moments.

but it's heaven...

i'm pretty sure there is Something much Greater.

not just colors

i bought a framed poster of this painting today... phenomenal.

i used to be really involved with art before college and i loved it. one of my best friend's mom's even opened up an art gallery for high school students my senior year and a few of my pieces were actually up for sale in it. sadly, the gallery didn't do as well as we all had hoped and it had to be shut down after about a year. shame.

i loved to sketch people, but there was always something about painting that caught my attention. i was always told what i needed to paint, what was missing, what wasn't good enough... which i was fine with... but... it was all that i knew. when i got to college, i discovered a few things... i discovered i never really got to create what i wanted to paint. i never got to express anything of my own with the brush i held in my hand. the canvas i painted on was only part mine.

my paintings all consisted of scenery... pretty, but not moving. not from deep within...

i finally began to discover how to create something of my own... i let Him guide me. i felt this was the first time i actually began to paint and express my thoughts and my desires.

now my paintings speak to me... now my creations mean something. people may look at my work, or this specific piece i purchased today, and not understand the meaning... and all i can really say is, i'm sorry. this type of work is not just colors poured onto a canvas, and it's certainly not just random shapes. every single inch of this work, and my own, is specifically and carefully planned out; it's there for a reason. the red has a meaning... the white... the blue... the boxish shape... it means something.

these pieces reveal to me the Truth... Power... the Father. abstract pieces show me His face. never has art work hit my heart so hard, until my eyes caught a glimpse of the beauty in these... abstract... masterpieces.

He is man fully alive in this painting...

glorious.

driving

back in high school i used to go driving a lot. mostly at night. i'd find myself not being able to sleep so i would leave my house, jump in my car, and just drive. i didn't have an agenda or a destination... i would just drive wherever i felt led. these driving times were times when my stereo was switched to off (the only time that ever happens) and i'd focus completely in on my Father.

there's something about driving by myself at night that helps me connect with Yeshua on levels i don't experience throughout my day. the night allows me to see a beauty that i can't see or experience when it's light out.

because i don't have a plan, my mind is solely fixed on Him... nothing or no one stands in the way. it's a time where i can't help but pour out my thoughts. pour out my feelings. pour out my tears. our out my whole soul. it's the time that i hand my heart over to Him... i love it.

i haven't gone out for a drive in a while, mainly because of gas prices these days, but tonight i was due. i'll be honest... tonight wasn't one of the best nights i've ever had... i couldn't help but get in my car and just go. this was probably only my 3rd time doing my spur of the moment driving in the 2 years that i've been here in des moines...

wow.

tonight i was in awe. call my crazy, but i found des moines absolutely beautiful tonight. i couldn't get over it... it was gorgeous.

i've never really considered des moines a beautiful place. i find my hometown beautiful... i find the mountains of colorado beautiful... i find brazil beautiful... i find romania... absolutely beautiful... but des moines? nope... not usually. so tonight it was obvious to me that He was doing nothing but showing me a glimpse of Himself throughout the city.

captivating... breathtaking... astonishing...

and that awesome thing is... i don't even care about going out and "wasting" gas tonight.

so worth it.

i spoke too quickly

today i got smacked in the face.

every morning when i wake up i do one of two things... first, if i'm heading to work, i wont shower (sue me) and i'll put on some sort of scrubs because i know that olivia, the little girl i nanny, will want to go play softball or go catch frogs at greenwood pond. knowing that i'll be getting dirty and be sweating like a man, i won't take time to get cleaned up. there's no point. on the other hand in the morning when i'm not working or i know that olivia and i will be going shopping or going to a movie... that's when i will shower and try to look decent.

something to understand... when i'm getting clean, it means i'll put something other than jeans and a workout shirt on. most of my clothes actually are either commonly considered "dressy" or "srubs". the only stores i really shop at are: express, j. crew, banana republic, and gap. as you can tell from that list, all the clothes from those stores are more along the lines of "dressy" and "nice"...

i take pride in what i wear. i shop at those stores because i love their clothes. i enjoy "dressing up" after every time i shower because that's when i feel the nicest... it makes me feel good. i don't do it to impress anyone or try to get attention; i wear these clothes because they are an expression of who i am.

well... today... this area was targeted... and i'll be honest when i say that my pride was hurt a bit.

i ended up showering today, so that meant it was time to wear something other than scrubs. i began to blow dry my hair and then i moved on to deciding an outfit to wear. i then proceeded to finish getting ready and then left to go pick up olivia. during this process i had a quick encounter with a good friend of mine... she began laughing at me. i was confused... this is about how the conversation went...

me: "why are you laughing at me?"
friend: "because of what you're wearing... why are you all dressed up to go to adventureland?"
me: "... i'm not dressed up..."
friend: "yes you are."
me: "i'm wearing shorts and a regular teeshirt, how is that dressed up? i always wear stuff like this when i go to themeparks."
friend: "... really? well, you're definitely dressed up. why don't you just wear gymshorts and a workout teeshirt?"
me: "i don't know... but i don't think i'm dressed up."
friend: "whatever... i definitely make fun of people like you..."

this encounter shouldn't have been a huge deal, but because it dealt with something i take pride in... it hurt. a lot. "i definitely make fun of people like you"... at that very moment she was doing exactly what she said, and it was not in a friendly "haha" way. i know that this was not a personal attack on me... but it ways i felt like it was. since i believe my clothes express apart of who i am, i felt she was making fun of who i was and my personality.

i admit... i'm a girly girl most of the time. i like wearing makeup (not a lot). i like putting on some jeans and wearing a pair of pointy heels with them. i like styling my hair. i like... to feel... beautiful. even if no one else thinks i am, i enjoy feeling like i am.

don't be mistaken... i'm not obsessed with my looks and i don't have to be all primped up to know that i'm beautiful because the Lord created me and He thinks i'm perfect, which is all that should matter, but i believe that part of being a girl is desiring to feel pretty... in whatever way that is. one girl may feel beautiful when her father hugs her, another after she gets her picture taken, or another while wearing her favorite outfit.

right now i would like to make public apology to some of you out there reading this. i recall certain occasions where i found myself doing this exact thing to you. i remember commenting on a certain item of clothing you may have been wearing when you didn't ask what i thought of it, or making some negative comment after you explained something you were going to be doing... i am sorry.

i was unaware of the hurt comments like these can bring... until today. i needed to experience what it felt like; i needed to experience the other side. i needed to know what the attack feels like when someone looks down on something you hold pride in. so again, i am deeply and truly sorry... in the future i will hold my comments to myself unless i am asked to bring my honest opinion to the table.

i spoke too quickly...

and i am sorry.

what could and should be.

i am doing a great work and i cannot come down (nehemiah 6:3b, NLT)

you'll have to excuse me for writing posts back to back about nehemiah, but i can't get over him. he continues to amaze me... i don't think i've been drawn to a character from the bible quite like i have been with nehemiah. the Lord is constantly revealing truth to me as i read about this man's life.

absolutely fascinating...

nehemiah knew that he had been called to finish the wall; God's vision was his motivation in completing this task. from running with the calling, he grew tired (as you can imagine from building constantly), and as mentioned in my previous post, he gained many enemies... but those things were not going to distract him. in order for nehemiah to get the importort thing done, he also had to say "no" and give up some pretty good things. he had to sacrifice being liked by people, being safe at night, his family, and living comfortably. those are some pretty appealing things, but nehemiah walked away from them in order to fulfill God's promise.

he said, i am doing a great work and i cannot come down.

we have been called to do the same.

whatever vision God has placed on our hearts, we have to say, "i am doing a great work for the Father and i will not abandon it for anything else." we cannot allow good opportunities to distract us from a great vision from the Lord.

right now i am called to a vision the Father has layed on my heart; a city wide college ministry called grounded is where i stand firm. there are so many good things that tug at me daily, attempting to shift my focus. i've been called to at times to say "no" to hanging out with friends in order to pray over the direction this ministry is heading. i've been told to wait on returning to romania. i would love to be in a relationship, but i know that's not a place i'm supposed to be right now. what good things seem harmless could actually be detrimental in the furthering of a vision. until God's tells me i can do certain things or be involved with someone, i cannot let my own desires get in the way. these good things are just that, good... but they are not the vision i have been handed right now.

continuing on... i want to be involved in as many ministries and activities that i can be. i absolutely love helping and serving, but a line has to be drawn. if i don't, my focus will be shifted towards 80 things rather than the current most important thing; grounded. other things are not apart of God's vision for me right now. grounded is where my whole heart is. i cannot cheat the Father by adding things into my life that are only "good" right now.

how can we distinguish the difference between good opportunities and a great vision from God? well... good question. i guess i can only offer this advice... pray and be honest. nehemiah was so faithful in his calling. he prayed constantly and was honest about what he had to do in order to complete the mission. not only do i long to pray as nehemiah did, but i long to be as faithful to my vision as he was.

concerning romania, don't get me wrong... i still have a deep desire to return someday and i believe i will be called back in the future. whether it be for a month or a year... and yes, it would be awesome to go now, i know i have other things to do. i have so much growing to do before the Lord will allow me back. i am certain that everything i am doing right now is connected to romania in some way. how? no idea. i want my desire for romania to be constant. like grounded. the ministry is a constant desire. i can wait for romania... but grounded... no. that ministry is now. if i imagine not returning to romania, yeah it saddens me, but it's okay. with grounded though... if i think about not doing it... it burns. this vision is so heavy on me that it hurts to think about not doing it. THAT is how i know i've been handed an assignment; a great vision. until i have done as much as i am supposed to, i know it will continue to burn heavily in my heart.

i will not walk away from this vision until God says, "well done My good and faithful servant... come over here now."

as i embrace this vision, it embraces me. it holds me and i cannot distant myself from it. i imagine this is like a feeling nehemiah felt about completing the building of the wall. as hard as it can be, like nehemiah, i am handing over my time and any other enjoyable good opportunities to complete a great vision.

my focus... like nehemiah...

walking down the narrow path of what could and should be.

God's vision.

let it ALL out

nehemiah fascinates me. God gave him a vision and he did it. he wasn't going to let anything stop him because he knew the Father was calling him to rebuild the wall in jerusalem for greater reasons then he could imagine. God gave him a vision and it was his mission to complete this assignment.

then i prayed, "hear us, o our God, for we are being mocked. may their scoffing fall back on their own heads, and may they themselves become captives in a foreign land! do not ignore their guilt. do not blot out their sins, for they have provoked you to anger here in the presence of the builders. (nehemiah 4:4-5, NLT)

dang.

was he pissed, or was he pissed?! nehemiah was annoyed beyond belief. as i think i would be too. think about being outside in the scorching sun all day long lifting stones that weigh more then an elephant, without much water, and then having some group of guys come up to you and say, "you can't accomplish this" or "what's the point in your work? you will fail." i think at that point i'd be tempted to jack someone in the face.

i'm gonna be real with you... i think nehemiah had more guts then most people. like myself, i'm sure everyone out there working just wanted to pound on those guys, and nehemiah probably did as well... but he did something i don't think i'd have to guts to do. he prayed to God asking that their sins be held against them, and basically asked that the Lord would punish them. i give nehemiah mad props for the courage he had to pray the way he did about these people.

am i really aloud to ask God that a person's sins be held against them? if someone like sanballat was standing in my way of a mission God placed on my heart, like i said, i'd defnitely be ticked, but mostlikely i'd do one of three things...

1.) pound him
2.) turn to the person nearest me and begin to complain about how annoyed i was
or 3.) pray, but pray a "bless this person" prayer

i don't think i have the guts to pray like nehemiah did. he let it all out. he held nothing back. i feel that when i pray and i'm angry, i sugercoat my prayers and turn them into something fluffy, when deep down, i'm steaming. since our Father knows our inner thoughts and feelings to begin with, why do we/i have such a hard time praying like nehemiah? or david for that matter. read through some of the psalms... david was a bit pissed off as well. he let everything out.

there are definitely times when i'm angry and all i want to say to God is, " SCREW THEM OVER!", but i never do. i hold it back as if the Father doesn't know what i'm thinking. since i'm thinking it... am i aloud to say it? both nehemiah and david basically said "screw them" in their prayers. i'm having a hard time understanding what's "okay" and what's "not". the line is grey and i'm stuck.

though i question these different areas, i long to be like nehemiah. i long for all believers to be like nehemiah. we need to be brave and tell the Lord exactly what we're feeling, rather then tame it down as if He isn't already aware and because we want to look "christian". we've set boundaries of what can be prayed and what can't be... saying that anything even close to being mean is not acceptable... or is it?

i once read, "the only healthy and profitable thing to do is pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. R-rated words and all."

i don't think that means that when you're praying, start dropping the f-bomb every other word, but i think it does mean, if you're mad, don't be scared to drop a swear word if that's what you're feeling at that moment. wow... there are many times that's all i've wanted to do, but i don't because i feel it's wrong.

but again i ask... is it really okay? both david and nehemiah did it. and david was known as being "a man after God's own heart."

prayer is lead by the Holy Spirit. by channeling frustration about something to our Father, He will direct us and have us pray what we feel led to pray... but now... how do you not feel guilty about praying a prayer like david did? i see why it's okay, but i can also see why it may not be okay...

i'm still stuck.

but...

i long to pray like nehemiah and david.

i long to be a women after God's own heart.

i long to let it ALL out.

lots to do, not enough time...

i don't feel i have any Words to speak tonight... i'm a bit dry. so here's another random post for everyone...

i've been making a list of things i would like to do before i die since my freshman year of college, and right now i'd like to share with you what i currently have written down (in no particular order)...

1.) run through a field of sunflowers
2.) go snowboarding in the alpes
3.) give blood (if you don't know, i'm terrified of needles)
4.) spend 6-12 months in romania
5.) swim with dolphins
6.) get a tattoo (אהוב שלי - my Beloved in hebrew)
7.) have coffee at serendipity in new york
8.) get baptized in the jordan river
9.) ride the largest roller coaster in the world (currently millennium force at cedar point in ohio: 80 degree, 310 ft. drop, going 93 mph. awesome. check it out: http://www.cedarpoint.com/public/inside%5Fpark/rides/60rides.cfm?defimg=1)
10.) ride in a hot air balloon
11.) punch someone in the face (yeah... it's weird... i know)
12.) go on a gondola ride
13.) get a hummer and take a road trip around the united states
14.) be apart of starting a college ministry
15.) have a star named after me
16.) go skydiving
17.) buy a newfoundland and name it kitty (http://puppydogweb.com/breeders/newfoundland.htm)
18.) have a job that truly makes me happy and glorifies the Father
19.) paint in the streets of paris
20.) go on an african safari

so now i'm interested... what crazy/weird things do you want to do before you pass on from this life???

undignified

one of the most beautiful things in the world...

dancing.

i'm not talking about the whole bump & grind/club type dancing... i'm talking about real dancing. dancing and not caring. dancing in the overflowing joy one is immersed in. dancing even in times of pain. dancing and being "more undignified than this." dancing before Yeshua...

absolutely... beautiful... and, breathtaking.

let's be honest here, i'm not the greatest dancer in the world, but because i have the ability to dance, i love to. i might look ridiculous or dorky, but i know that when i dance, i bring the Father pleasure. knowing that, how could i not long to dance?... how could i not move my feet to the beat of a song?...

and David danced before the Lord with all his might... (2 samuel 6:14, NLT)

over the weekend, dancing before the Lord was spoken over me on numerous occasions. first to me by a woman down in kansas city, secondly from the Lord Himself directly to me, and thirdly this morning at church as one of my pastors spoke... and again, He has confirmed this as a key ingrediant in my life. i have been called to dance and not find it as undignified, but as being abundant before my Father.

david retorted to michal, "i was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and his family! he appointed me as the leader of israel, the people of the Lord. so i am willing to act like a fool in order to show my joy in the Lord. yes, and i am willing to look even more foolish than this... (2 samuel 6:21-22, NLT)

tears of relief stream down my face knowing that i have been called and can be bold in this way. yet, witnessing others dance before Him, brings even more tears...

it's. absolutely. beautiful.

love & hate it

i too have been inspired...

dislikes:
1.) mosquitoes
2.) ponchos... especially when they're furry
3.) days when you walk outside and right away and you begin to feel the sweat seeping down your cheek and neck.
4.) charlie horses
5.) compulsive liars
6.) the dentist
7.) cats
8.) when people consistantly ask questions during a movie
9.) the "support your troop" magnets that people put on their cars
10.) sharks
11.) when people talk about something they obviously know nothing about, but think they do
12.) the phrase "dunzo"
13.) having my pants size range anywhere from a size 2-8
14.) not being able to wear certain tops for a certain reason (ladies, some of y'all know what i'm talking about)
15.) dry heaving

likes:
1.) having a friend smile at you for no reason
2.) laughing so hard you can't breath
3.) justin timberlake & *nsync
4.) the smell while cruising down the mountains on a snowboard in colorado
5.) romania
6.) walks on the beach
7.) brushing my teeth
8.) the feeling of diving off a block in a swim meet
9.) cuddling/spooning
10.) huge furry dogs
11.) bouquets of sunflowers
12.) 2500 ab workouts
13.) hearing the Lord's voice
14.) being picked up off the ground while getting a hug from someone
15.) when someone calls you just to say "hi" because they "were thinking about you"

this post really had no point other than i liked the idea and was inspired.

enjoy.

ha... haha

today i was (and still am) in one of the weirdest moods i've been in in a long, long time. all day, i found myself talking in weird voices, breaking out into solo dance sessions, and busting into laughter over... umm.. nothing... and you know what? i've loved every minute of it. i love that i am weird. i love that i can become a huge dork and make a fool out of myself and not care. i love that i can find joy in making fun of myself. but most of all... i love that God is weird.

let me explain...

the Father created boogers, farting, the platapus, will ferrell... how could the one who came up with these things not be weird and hilarious?? i can just picture Him...

"let's see... oooh! I know! how about that when My people need to release some gas from their bodies, it comes out of their butts in a plethera of noises and smells!? perfect!"

genius i tell you, genius. i can see God's sense of humor everywhere i look (especially today...). the Lord wants us to see His humor and know that He's definitely up for having a good time. He doesn't want us sitting around starring at blank walls all day... as tempting as that sounds, i think i'd rather witness someone shoving their finger in their nose, slowly pulling it out, eyeing their finger for a moment, and then placing their newly found treasure inside of their mouth.

ha...

immature? maybe... or maybe not. the definition of immature is as follows: a.) lacking complete growth, differentiation, or development; b.) exhibiting less than an expected degree of maturity

who's to say what's mature and immature? i believe there is definitely times to be more serious (such as in the workplace), but why not be a nutcase every now and then? God created humor because He's weird and wants us to find the joy in being weird as well.

have you ever met a nonweird person?... they're... boring... and difficult to be around...

my challenge for y'all this week: GO AND BE WEIRD. laugh out loud at things that you may not want to admit are funny... have a dance party when you hear *nsync being played on the radio... laugh at yourself when you completely biff it while walking through the mall... giggle during awkward moments and when someone asks "what's so funny?", continue giggling... act like a total goof and enjoy it. while you do this, continue to praise the Lord and thank Him for being even more nutty than you. thank Him for having a sense of humor... and thank Him for making life...

absolutely hilarious.

it's simple

it's simple...

be still and know that I Am God.

the world pulls us in. it's chains link around us pushing us to fill our lives with business and constant movement. amongst all of this is a voice whispering...

be still and know that I Am God.

are you listening? i haven't been. and i haven't been still... it continues, getting louder and louder...

be STILL and know that I AM GOD!

we, just like the world, have made our lives complicated... and we have made God more complicated than He should be. yes, He is mysterious in many ways, but He tells exactly what we are supposed to know and remember about Him...

I AM GOD!

enough said.

so stop running. stop talking. stop making God complicated.

go be still and know that HE is GOD!

be still. be still. be still.

bitterness

i hate the feeling of bitterness. it leaves me feeling slimy and cheap. with the bitterness comes some strong built up anger, followed by tears of saddness. i hate it... slimy and cheap.

i need to vent...

i am not one to hold grudges. yes, i am a girl so there will be times when it takes me longer to get over some things than others... but grudges... not usually. the few times i have been bitter towards someone though, all had one thing in common... they all dealt with my heart in some way. i had a couple back in high school concerning stupid boys/crushes, but no longer am i bitter, and haven't been for years. thank the Lord... wew.

right now though is a different story. good friends have a way of hurting you more than anyone else can. ... i miss my friendship i had for so long with that person... it's not there at all anymore... and.i.am.bitter. when any two good friends stop hanging out and/or talking, the relationship comes to an end, and just as a romantic relationship would... often times it leaves one of the two with... some... bitterness.

slimy and cheap. ick.

i long to have that bitter taste in my mouth gone, and have the taste of the Father's sweetness rushing through my body. bitterness does something to you... it makes you cringe. it catches you off gaurd. it suprises you (in a bad way). and it... makes... you... feel... slimy and... ch..ea..p.

there is a time and place for everything... but... i'm coming to understand that my time and place for this bitterness is... up...

i am sorry.

... He tells me, "go and rinse your mouth out"...

i can taste the bitterness slowly turning into something different...

sweetness.

amen.

alive and real

an attack from darkness happens the most when the Lord is doing mighty things in our lives. we cannot forget that satan and demons are alive and real... living in this world.

encountering evil is scary as h-e-double hockey sticks (probably because that's where they're from)... but it's such a wake up call. [thank you Father for waking me up]. followers of Christ need to be shaken awake and reminded that satan is out to get us, and he is alive living all around us. just as God is not a distant God, satan is not a distant devil. he's right there.

his ultimate goal is to destroy. he wants every person on this earth to flee from Christ. he most often will use temptations to lure us into his trap, but there are moments when he will allow you to physically see him and hear him. fear is a weapon he uses to fight with.

satan knows how powerful and mighty the Father is and he wants to fool us into thinking the Lord isn't what we need in our lives.

do you still think it's enough just to believe that there is one God? well, even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror! (james 2:19, NLT)

be prepared to fight against the authorities not of this world... be prepared to hold up your sword (the word of God)... be prepared to be atacked. as a believer, you are imprinted with Christ's name and you cannot be touched, but it won't stop the darkness from moving all around you, messing with your mind. don't be suprised to come face to face with a demon... don't be suprised if evil wakes you up in the middle of the night... and don't be suprised if crazy things happen when God is working the most.

... be prepared and remember he is real.

reality check

a few things i've learned since being overseas...

1.) take advantage of the free condiments at fast food restaurants
2.) fabric softener is wonderful
3.) ask people if they want to hear the 1 minute, 15 minute, or 1 hour version of how your trip was before answering the question "how was your trip?!" because most likely, they don't care
4.) saying "water" actaully gets you water and not that bubbly crap
5.) knowing what i'm ordering to eat off a menu is amazing
6.) it's important not to hang out in huge groups right when you get home... you emotions will run around crazy
7.) euro shoes are amazingly cute, but they hurt your feet like hades
8.) you haven't seen a metrosexual until you go to eastern europe
9.) in europe, guys are way too touchy feely as they walk by girls on the street
10.) romania has cats like the states have squirrels
11.) chicago drivers are extremely safe/slow compared to romanians
12.) gypsy's are most beautiful people in the world
13.) hot water is a beautiful thing
14.) americans are fat, lazy, spoiled, and absolutely ridiculous
15.) it's better to eat your big meal of the day during lunch time
16.) when in europe... girls: if you want to get a guy, tell him you play soccer; guys: if you want to get a girl, tell her you're from america
17.) i hate PDA more than ever
18.) enlglish is a hideous language but for some reason everyone wants to learn it
19.) europeans love america, but hate americans
20.) no humidity is a gift from God
21.) deodorant is also a gift from God
22.) american music videos, magazines, and posters/ads are squeeky clean compared to europes
23.) i love walking
24.) there actually are stars in the sky... lot's of them too

just a little preview of the small things learned.

but continuing on about #2: fabric softener... you don't realize what a blessing this stuff is until you don't have it. imagine picking up your favorite t-shirt, excited to wear a nice clean top, but then as you begin to put your arms through it, you begin to feel like thorns are gashing into your wrists and elbows, tearing your skin open. then you slowly push your head through the top opening, where you feel like your whole face is being scratched off into the inside of the shirt, and you bite your lip in order not to scream in pain. and then you finally pull the shirt down over your back, chest, and stomach, in hopes that you aren't bleeding profusely, and that blood stains have not ruined your shirt.

thank you Jesus for fabric softener.

ps - i'd like to make a shout out to the vice president of the G.A.M.N. club. ;-)