On the Road

I hope you get where you're going, and be happy where you do. Jack Kerouac

I'm currently reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac. Only about a third of the way through, I'm already inspired. I like this book a lot. It reminds me of Jesus. No... this book isn't about Jesus and it certainly wouldn't be located under the "Christian" section at your local Barnes & Noble, but I can't help think about the Christ. This dude, Jack, back in the 1950's took a little road trip with a buddy of his from their home on the east coast, to L.A. Along the way, they run into all sorts of different people, learn about themselves, and learn about the different scenes they find themselves in. There is a whole different world outside of their home town.

For about a year now, I've had this dream of doing this... minus the hitch hiking and getting drunk part. The LORD has added a little spice to the vision He's given me. I'd be heading out, specifically to love people, just like Jesus did. He traveled around, pouring His love out to everyone He came in contact with. If money and commitments weren't a barrier [right now], I'd pack up my little stratus tonight, get out my United States Atlas, and head for... everywhere.

Walk into the poorest of poorest nieghborhoods to share Jesus. Drive into the richest of the richest nieghborhoods to do the exact same thing... share about my King. Sit down at the counter of a diner and talk to my waitress [or waiter] about the Father. Make myself comfortable on a park bench next to someone waiting for the bus specifically to tell them how much they are loved. Visit a random church along my way and pray for the young girl who's eyes are filled with tears; because I know that Yeshua would have comforted her.

My hearts aches to meet people. That burning desire just became so much more clear to me over the past couple of weeks as the LORD has been flooding my life with new faces and friendships. He's been good. Amongst some pain and heartache, He's reminded me of His children; He's opened up my heart more to seeking after and building beautiful relationships with Him as the center. Not that I haven't done that in the past; it's just different now... and I can't quite explain it.

These new friends have been a blessing that I never saw coming. Both believers, and non. And I've been touched and challenged by each and every one of them. They've all, without knowing it, helped with healing that is taking place, and encourage me to live my life more and more for Christ. One in particular (you know who are K.D.) has given me a whole new look on how to live for God and how to worship Him in my darkest hours. She encourages me in ways I can't even describe. Her wisdom is truly from the Father; when she opens her mouth to speak, all I can hear and see is Him flowing out from within her. The LORD allowed us to randomly meet at the perfect time. He's good like that. I pray that I've been half as much the blessing to her that she has been to me.

My point?... People. I want to go meet people. I want to go meet people where they're at. If they're not going to go to church, then let me bring church to them. If they're in church, allow me to join them. Let me walk with God in meeting them under that bridge... in that bar... at that park... at that tattoo parlor... in that coffee house... on that mountain... on that bike trail... at that gas station...

God made me so He could use me. And I can only pray that He uses me, just as He has used these new friends of mine to touch my life. I know I don't need to leave Des Moines to meet Christians and non Christians, but traveling to do this has definitely been something growing deep within my heart for a year now. To travel for months, even a year, with the goal of building incredible relationships with God as the guide... to be encouraging to people... to challenge people... that's how I desire to be used. If I could know that I've made one person feel loved and encouraged with Jesus's love, then I know I've done at least something right.

I'm currently on the road...

but we'll see if He calls me to a bigger road sometime in the future.

Wonderfulness of it all...

My roommate is so cute. That's her in the picture. This Texas girl was ecstatic to find herself face to face with an original Texan himself, President Bush earlier this week when he stopped here in DSM. "We talked about Texas!" Of course they did!...

I highly recommend trying a Vanilla & Raspberry Italian Cream Soda. It's quite refreshing on a warm sunny afternoon.

While doing some reading at Drake's student union the other day, I met this kid that we'll call, John. John is an international student from Kenya studying Actuary Science... and I got to tell him about Jesus. He had never heard of Adam and Eve. He had never heard of the Trinity. He had never heard that Jesus was sent to this earth to die for us. He had never heard... of Jesus Christ. He poured out question after question after question... it was incredible. Though he remains interested, he "wants to hear more, but only for the history aspect of it", I wouldn't be surprised if in the [near] future the LORD knocks his socks off. I pray for John.

I just found out that "Des Moines" means "The Monks" in French. Really shows how 6 years of French did me any good...

I'm finally beginning to get a grasp on the ministries that the LORD wants me to serve in. My plate was beginning fill up. It's weird, offer after offer after offer were being presented to me, asking me to play a key role in some rather large organizations/ministries. I'm still unsure of why the sudden push and determination from these people to get me on board, but I'm beginning to see that is has to be God. He wants to do big things through me, and I'm ready to take that! I hope you are too... because He wants to do big things through YOU as well.

It's 84 degrees out right now... it's time for this girl to go put on a skirt, head outside, and dig into a fabulous book; while sipping down a Grande Mocha Mint Frappe from the G's. Enjoy the weather friends!!

The prettiest girls in the world live in Des Moines. - Jack Kerouac

Dance, Dance

This guy makes me laugh.

youngin's

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these (Matthew 19:14).

I love little kids. There's something about watching a little one run around laughing, fascinated by everything they see, that brings a huge smile to my face. They are so interesting to watch. Whenever they touch something, it's quite possibly the greatest thing they have ever touched... until they discover something else. Without knowing it, they're so passionate about everything around them; they want to know it all, touch it all, play with it all, taste it all. They long to discover everything in the world.

Children depend on their mom and dad to show them things, to grow, to develop. They trust their mom and dad... they believe everything that their mom or dad tells them. They have faith. God calls us to have child-like faith. Paul called Titus his "true child in the faith we share." Faith of a child. Why? Because children truly believe what you tell them. They can't analyze or question... they trust their parent and even believe in the unseen. Yes, it's good to question, but often times as believers we fall too far into that hole then we should. God says He will provide, protect, and love. Why can't we just believe it and not need physical evidence? A child doesn't need evidence; they just believe. What has happened to the child within us? The trust we used to have in God? Our child-like faith?

This past weekend I was at my usual homework spot, Java G's, where the cutest little blond boy walked in with his mom. He sported some shades a tad too big for his little face, and right away become fixated on everything around him. For about 45 minutes, I sat in awe of this child. He ran from one thing to another, attempting to grasp all that he could with his little hands. He mimicked the people around him. He talked to himself (in his own language or course). He acted like a child.

It was beautiful.

This made me think about how I can't wait to be a mom. I'm definitely not ready to be a mom, but I'm way excited. And quite honestly, I think that I'm going to do a good job at it. The idea of raising kids, with God as the center, brings a lot of joy to my heart. It's really going to be exciting to be married to an incredible man of God, and partner with him in raising our children to be Godly men or women.

So I end with this... go be a kid. Roll around in some dirt. Jump in a lake. Be fascinated with everything your eyes meet. Laugh at everything. Run around flailing your arms.

Be free.

Have faith like a child.

Read

A friend of mine had an article published on relevantmagazine.com
Take a look.
Feeling the Fireworks
k
It's interesting to sit and think... how has God romanced you? Stunningly Slowly? Violently beautiful? In the middle? He has... He is... and He will continue to. But what made you decide to take Him up on His offer of spending your life with Him? Did things slowly flourish, or did He swiftly knock you off your feet out of no where?

k

Be blessed friends.

Laughing (until it hurts)

I love those times when you laugh so hard you can't breathe... your stomach hurts... you snort... your face turns bright red... your eyes swell up with tears... you cover your mouth with your hand... your laugh becomes silent... you release a high pitched yell once your silent laughter ends... you hit the table with your hand... you can't stop laughing even when the joke is long over...

k

I had a night filled with that kind of laughter.

k

I loved it.

sad story

I got on my bike to go for a ride.

There I discovered a flat tire.

I couldn't go on my ride.

The end.

half ready

I like the idea of molting.
I'm ready.

But I don't like the idea of jumping off the cliff.
Not yet.

YOU are Everything

Ladies... I want to encourage you with a few words that a friend emailed to me the other day.

You are beautiful.
You are the apple of His eye.
You are His princess, His Bride.
You are all things good, as you were created in His image.
You are on a God-blessed journey to the heavens!

We often don't believe these [very true] words about ourselves. It's easy to see them in others, but the enemy tells us these words can't define you. Yet, we know it's the enemy... and we know it's nothing but lies. Cold, dark, ugly lies. But still, we take them as truth. We all have those certain lies we fall into believing... what are they?

Confession: the biggest lie I'm told... "You're not worth running after. You're worthless. You're not worth sticking around for."

I was watching a movie called "Pay it Forward" (watch it if you've never seen it). Towards the middle of the film, a woman is standing on the top of a bridge, ready to commit suicide. A homeless man comes running up to her pleading that she not jump... it went something like this...

Man: "Please! Come down from there! Don't do it, please!"
Woman: "Get away! Don't try to help me... I'm not worth it!"
Man: "...you're not worth it?... What do you mean you're not worth it?"
Woman: "I'm not worth it! Trust me... you wouldn't understand."
Man: "... but I do understand... I live in this messed up world and I'm treated like garbage... please... take my hand. Come have a cup of coffee with me... don't do this... please."

When you're standing up on your bridge wanting to jump... believing the lies... God says "Take My hand... I do understand. I was mocked, beaten, killed... because to Me, you are everything. Walk away from the lies and just come have a cup of coffee with me. Please."

So I plead with you... smash these lies. Because you know what? God says you're so much more; more than I can express to you. Crush the lies. Run from the lies. It's a daily battle... daily... but when you know the truth about yourself, what HE thinks of you and how HE made you, the lies can't help but flee. His power is stronger. Light is brighter than darkness.

So again, hear her words to me. Hear me say them to you. Hear GOD say them to you.

You are beautiful.
You are the apple of His eye.
You are His princess, His Bride.
You are all things good, as you were created in His image.
You are on a God-blessed journey to the heavens!

"_____" Healing

I witnessed massive amounts of healing begin to take place this week.

Physical healing, emotional healing, spiritual healing... graciously He released His healing hand upon some absolutely beautiful [young] women.

I love that God enjoys showing us what He can do. I love that He actually allows us to see what He can do. I love that He wants to do big things. I love that we can be apart of those big things. I love that He uses us to perform these... miracles. I love that nothing big can happen without His hand. I love that nothing is impossible with Him.

I love that He gave me new eyes. I love that He has given you new eyes... and I love that He will continue to give eyes to see the Truth of who He is and what He can do.

My eyes have been fully opened to a new reality. The reality of healing... the reality of miracles. They happen. They're as real as night and day. They don't just occur in third world countries... God doesn't only work powerfully in poverty stricken countries, as some may believe. He's doing stuff here; big stuff. Look around... He'll show you.

Healing... it's a beautiful thing.

[anti] Dr. Pepper

I like that the guy in the photo is pouring out a can of Dr. Pepper.

Personally I think that Dr. Pepper (after Rum of course) is the worst drink ever created. yes, EVER.

If someone were to line up five cups, pour four different kinds of alcohol in four of the cups, put Dr. Pepper in the other, and I was to smell each of them to identify which cup was Dr. Pepper... I'm about 88.75% sure I wouldn't be able to do it. Dr. Pepper smells exactly like some nasty, revolting type of alcoholic beverage to me.

And if Dr. Pepper isn't horrible enough to begin with, they had to invent the following:

• Diet Dr. Pepper
• Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
• Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
• Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper
• Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper (what the?!...)
• Dr. Pepper with Berries & Cream

Okay no... just stop it with the Dr. Pepper folks. It's gross.

Can I get an Amen?!

(dis)assembled

I feel the way this picture looks.

It took me a few minutes to figure out how this dude was bent and twisted, trying to identify what limbs were his arms and what limbs were his legs. Ouch.

My snowboarding fall has really taken a toll on me. I've forgotten how much physical pain can affect a persons daily thoughts and feelings. Meidcation can only do so much. It's only been six days, but already I feel spiritually and emotionally weak... lost... exhausted.

It's been nice not going into work and skipping classes in order to rest and get some extra sleep, but... I feel... really out of it... distant would be a good word. When you find yourself in bed for insane amounts of hours, eyes glued to the tube and the inside of your eye lids, having hardly any contact with anyone, it's only normal that you feel out of the loop. And lonely.

Oi vey.

How the ["permanently"] physically broken live day to day, I don't know. God is a healer (check out some of His best healings in a little book called the Bible)... now I can see why it's a specialty of His. Physical pain really can bring darkness (in all areas of ones life - mentally, etc). But healing... that's when vision is restored.

Huh... the concept of healing... seems to be a continuous recurrence in life recently.

Spring better get here fast.

So if you would, please say a quick prayer of healing for me. Thanks friends.

[HE brings] Freedom

Praise God... freedom for this man.

I pray he be protected, and continue to run after the Holy One even while mobs of people [most likely] hunt him down so they may put him to death themselves.

thoughts [for now]

First might I say that this picture is probably one of the most frightening things I have EVER seen. I get the heebie-jeebies just looking at it! Icchh!

While hangin' out in Colorado, I ran into some Iowa folk. It was refreshing. A couple who teach at a college in northeast Iowa, a dude who is looking to go to law school at Drake, and a brother and sister who reside in Indianola. For the first time, I actually felt that Des Moines, Iowa was my home. Meeting these people opened my eyes to how much I truly do love DSM.

A friend of mine wrote this in her blog recently:
I was distracted as I was driving that morning. Was focused on gardens - personal ones, spiritually speaking. A great friend shared an incredible vision she had about one of life's situations. We each have a garden and we chose to whom we give keys away. Sometimes a garden is cared for: the ground tilled, the soil watered, vegetation blossoming, fruit producing. Then darkness enters and keys start getting thrown around to whoever will grab them. When that happens, people trample the land. The lush vegetation starts to die off and blacken. Those with keys enter not because they want to water the land or till the soil or care for the crop, they enter because they want to steal the fruit, they want to look at others on the outside watching and wave and smile and snicker that they got on the inside. There's no care involved... just trampling and stealing... selfishness and death. The deeper this realization sits in me the heavier my heart becomes. One thing I ask is that my future husband loves and respects me enough even now that he protects his garden from that ugliness that hovers all around so freely... even in places we think are safe, especially in places we think are safe. That seems to be where it pops up with the most vigor. It's a non-negotiable for me. Guard the crop. It's not for everyone's taking... no matter how easy and fulfilling it is in the temporary.
Thanks K, I needed to be reminded of that. Let it soak in folks...

There is an Afghan man on trial for converting from Islam to Christianity. One of my favorite quotes in the article reads: "We will invite him again because the religion of Islam is one of tolerance. We will ask him if he has changed his mind. If so we will forgive him," the judge told the BBC on Monday." ...Sounds like a religion I'd want to be a part of... (that was a but of sarcasm if you didn't catch it)... sadly, that is exactly how christians come across.

I'm ready for spring. The Lord placed spring to occur right after winter for a reason... rebirth and healing are coming. And I'm ready. He has beautiful things in store for you; for all of us. Get ready because HE is about to rock your world with everything new. A new attitude, a new heart, a new desire for Him... a new life. Let the Maker work with the [stunning] clay that you are.

Unfortunately, two days ago I took a pretty nasty fall while snowboarding out in the Rockies. Very similar to a fall I took five years ago... yet this time a concussion was added to the spinal contusion, slipped discs, and strains/sprains all throughout my back muscles. I've had a headache for 72 hours straight, and it feels as if my left eye is going to pop right out of it's socket. So basically, I hurt... a lot. The meds I was given do help, but soon after I take them I take a little trip to kookoo land for a few hours. I've never done drugs, but I think that the way I feel with my medication is probably similar to what it would be like if I was on hard drugs. It's trippy... weird/creepy things have happened after taking them. Sometimes I wonder if medication really is from the devil.

Over the past couple of weeks, God has been opening a plethora of doors for me ministry-wise. It's exciting... yet at the same time I don't know what to do with it all. I want to do everything that's being offered and handed to me, but I know that I need to learn to say 'no.' I struggle with over committing myself... gotta find the balance between the Martha and the Mary.

My older sister and brother-in-law have a beautiful relationship. A good friend of mine and her fiance have a breath-taking relationship. Another friend of mine and her boyfriend have a simply stunning relationship. I have yet to experience this beauty in a relationship with a man. But I know that the Lord is preparing my heart for a relationship, and I can only pray that He is doing the same with my husband. I'm excited for Him to knock my socks off with the guy... I'm excited to give the guy love that no other woman can... I'm excited to love God with the guy walking beside me. Just thinking about being in love stirs something in my heart. We were definitely not made to be alone... incredible. HE really does have a Prince Charming or a Cinderella out there for you. As much as I want to know who he is right now, God runs on a different timeline. No timeline that is. Time doesn't exist. All He's waiting on is your heart. Oh how I wish I could watch each of your love stories unfold... beginning with the romance between you and your Maker. Now THAT my friends is beautiful.

Think about the word "freedom" for a while. Beware though... it's thick. Dig into it... I promise, you won't be disappointed.

Have you ever seen your dads heart break? I witnessed my father's heart break this morning. He found out a friend of his passed away from colon cancer. He told me, with tears in his eyes, "I tried so many times to share the Lord with him, but he wanted nothing to do with Him..." It was hard to see my dad so heart broken, but it also opened my eyes to our Father's heart. He weeps for you daily. I got to see a small piece of Yeshua in my dad this morning... talk about heart wrenching. Good reminder. Amen.

This summer myself and a few friends are planning to go spend a week out at my rents house in Palisade, Colorado. I hope it happens. Spending a week biking in the mountains, hiking through caves, sitting around a bonfire making smores, swimming in the hot springs... I love the outdoors. God created the outdoors for us to enjoy... so if it's nice out [and even if it's not], go outside right now. Go ride your bike. Go jump in a lake. Go roll around in the mud. GO enjoy what He has given to us. Even snow... enjoy it. That might be hard for some of you to do, but seriously... God knew what He was doing when He created snow. It keeps wildlife living with the moisture that seeps into the earth. So go... enjoy what lies behind your front door (even if it's not "paradise"). I say you can find paradise right in your backyard. Since God created everything, we all do in fact live in paradise.

Right now there's a group of peeps out being a light in the darkest of dark places. I pray that the Lord finds joy in their serving hearts. I ask that God open up the minds and hearts of every person that these warriors come in contact with. Oh that He would be pleased!... shake everything Father... shake it all.

And I leave you with this... remember, there's more to life then being really really ridiculously good looking.

Peace.

Just In Time

You make all things beautiful... just in time.

The LORD knows exactly what He's doing. It's simple... we're not God, so we can't see the things in the making until He plants the result right in the center of our path. Underneath the pain, there's a purpose. Underneath the tears, there's truth. Underneath the confusion, there's an answer.

It's that time of the season...

things will be beautiful again. Not yet... but they will.

He makes all things beautiful at the exact moment they are meant to be complete. His timing is perfect. The beauty arises just in time for the next journey.

The darkness of winter is beginning to fade, as the colors of spring begin to press out from beneath the ground.

Beauty and healing are coming...

just in time...

for wholeness.

the Ragman

It was before dawn early one Friday morning. I noticed a young man, handsome and strong, walking the alleys of the city. He was carrying a bag filled with clothes, both bright and new, and he was calling in a clear and tenor voice, "Rags! Rags! Rags!"

Ah, the air was foul and the first light of dawn filthy to be crossed by such a sweet music. "Now this is a wonder." I breathed to myself, for the man stood tall, and his arms were like tree limbs, both hard and muscular. And his eyes, ah, his eyes, they flashed bright with intelligence, and understanding. Could he find no better job than this, to be a ragman in the inner city? I followed him, my curiosity drove me, and I wasn't disappointed.

Soon, the Ragman saw a woman sitting on her back porch. She was sobbing into her handkerchief, sighing, and shedding a thousand tears. Her shoulders shook, her heart was breaking. The Ragman stopped. Quietly he walked to the woman, stepping around tin cans, broken toys and garbage. I listened to hear what he had to say; " Let me have your rag," he said so gently, "and I will give you another." He slipped the handkerchief from her eyes. She looked up, and he lay across her palm a linen cloth so clean and new that it shined. She blinked, from the gift, to the giver.

Then, as he began to walk away, the Ragman did a strange thing. He put her stained handkerchief to his own face, and then he began to sob, as grievously as she had done, his shoulders shaking, yet the woman was left behind without one tear! "This is a wonder!" I thought to myself, and I followed the sobbing Ragman like a child that cannot turn away from a mystery. "Rags! Rags! New rags for old!"

In a little while, when the sky began to show gray behind the rooftops, the Ragman came upon a little boy whose head was wrapped in a bandage. A single line of blood ran down his cheek. Now the tall Ragman looked upon this child with pity, and drew a baseball cap from his bag. I heard him as he said, "Give me your rag, child, and I will give you mine." The child could only gaze at him as the Ragman loosened the bandage, removed it, and tied it to his own head. He set the cap on the boy's head. And I gasped at what I saw, for with the bandage went the wound! Against his brow ran a darker, more substantial blood-- his own!

"Rags! Rags! I take old rags!", cried the sobbing, bleeding, yet still strong and intelligent Ragman. The sun hurt the sky now, and my eyes were burning from it's light. The Ragman seemed to be more and more in a hurry. "Are you going to work?" he asked a man leaning against a telephone pole. The man shook his head. The Ragman inquired, "Do you have a job?" "Are you crazy!" sneered the other. He pulled away from the pole, revealing the right sleeve of his jacket. It was flat, with the cuff stuffed into the pocket. The man had only one arm. "So," said the Ragman, "give me your jacket, and I will give you mine." Such quiet authority in his voice; the one-armed man took off his jacket, and so did the Ragman. And I trembled at what I saw; the Ragman's arm stayed in his jacket, and when the other put the jacket on, he had two good arms, but the Ragman now only had one! "Go to work." he told the man.

After that, he saw a drunk lying unconscious beneath an old army blanket; an old man, hunched, wizened, and sick. He took the old man's blanket and wrapped it around himself, but for the drunk he left a new suit of clothes.

And now I had to run to keep up with the Ragman, though he was weeping uncontrollably, bleeding from his forehead, carrying his bag, stumbling from drunkenness, falling again and again, exhausted, old and sick. Yet he went very fast! He skittered through the alleys of the city until he had come to it's limits, and then he rushed beyond. I wept to see the change in this man. I hurt to see his sorrow, and yet I needed to see where he was going in such a haste, perhaps to know what drove him so.

The little old Ragman, he came to a landfill. He came to a garbage dump. And then I wanted to help him in what he did, but I hung back, hiding. With tormented labor, he cleared a little space. Then he sighed, he lay down, he pillowed his head on a handkerchief, he covered his old bones with an old army jacket, and... he died.

Oh, how I cried to witness that death! I slumped in a heap and wailed and mourned, as one who has no hope, because I had come to love the Ragman. Every other face had faded in the wonder of this, and I had cherished him, but he died.

I cried myself to sleep. I did not know, how could I know? That I had slept through Friday night, and into Saturday night. But then on Sunday, I was awakened by a violent light, pure hard demanding light, shining against my face! And I blinked, and I looked and I saw the first and last wonder of all! There was the Ragman! Folding the blanket most carefully, a scar on his forehead, but alive and healthy! There was no sign of age, and all the rags that he gathered shined with cleanliness!

Then I lowered my head, and, trembling for all that I had seen, I walked up to the Ragman. I told him my name, with shame, for I was a sorry figure next to him. Then, I looked into his eyes, and said with dear yearning in my voice, "Change me!"

And He changed me, my Lord! He put new rags on me, and I became a wonder beside him...

The Ragman... The Ragman... The Christ.

Colorado

Steamboat

72" base... 30 feet of snow... so stoked.

Music is Wonderful

I love music. A lot actually.

I found out the other day that one of my all time favorite bands no longer exists. And no, I'm not talking about the ridiculously amazing and fabulous *NSYNC; they ended things a few years back, which, by the way, still has left my heart a bit broken... but thats a different story for another time. I'm referring to the wonderful Juliana Theory. In my opinion, they have [or should I say had] enormous talent. Their lyrics always pulled me in, their sound struck my soul (if that makes any sense), their live performances always blew me away. But no longer will I be able to anxiously await a new song, or CD, or concert of my beloved J.Theory. This is a sad day for me.

After hearing this news, I was kicking myself a bit... they were actually in Des Moines not too long ago (which is rare; they never come to Iowa), but I didn't go simply because no one knew who they were and wanted to go. Ugh... never again.

I apologize ahead of time if you're not one who likes to read lyrics or if you don't like music in general [which I find wrong... and I encourage you to stop reading this post now because the rest is all going to be about the sound], but below are the lyrics to one of my favorite J.Theory songs; The Shell of a Man. If you would rather not read, then feel free to continue scrolling down...

I won't nurture, and feed this bitterness
It's worth it, seen any of this
Love and forgiveness
Our time is and true
I know you're full of fear
I hope I'm never like you

I won't nurture, and feed this hate
It's empty and doesn't change a thing
Love will endure when it comes to the end
I see you're insecure
I know there's hope for you

Why can't I let go?
I'm only the shell of a man
I'm lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man

I won't nurture, and feed hostility
It's pointless to dwell on my anger
Love is the answer innate as it seems
I know you're full of hate
I hope I'm never the same

I won't nurture, and feed this hate
Imagine the magnitude of
Love that is giving the chance to prevail
I see you're full of tears
And I can sense you're here

Why can't I let go?
I'm only the shell of a man
I'm lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man

Take what you want to
Now that you got the chance to
Take it, why don't you?
Now that you got the chance to [x2]

Why can't I let go?
I'm only the shell of a man
I'm lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man

Why can't I let go?
I'm only the shell of a man
I'm lost in myself
And afraid of who I really am
The shell of a man

On the other hand, some good news... if you don't have the new Mute Math CD, I highly recommend it. Finally after [I think] two years, they've released their first full length album, and might I say, it's phenomenal. Their usage of homemade instruments and crazy solo breakouts are awesome. Plus, I just love the fact that Mr. Paul Meany, lead singer/keyboardist, plays the keytar. Not to mention, their lyrics are real, honest, and I can't help but inhale God's breath every time their sound starts streaming out from my iPod.

So now is when I promote a few bands/artists that I feel are worth checking out; both known and not very famous at all; some still creating glorious sounds and some who have [sadly] called it quits.

Dispatch (RIP) - Rock/Reggae
Braddigan (former member of Dispatch) - Similar to Dispatch; Acoustic/Rock/Reggae
Underoath - "Screamo/Rock/Alternative"
Farewell to Ashlyn - a friend of mine Steve sings and plays guitar in this band; they reside in wonderful Kansas
Justin McRoberts - Indie, mixed with folk rock/acoustic; real lyrics
Edwin McCain - An oldie (back from middle school days), but definitely a goodie... if any guys voice makes me swoon, he'd be one of 'em; Rock/Blues
Jimmy Eat World - Phenomenal... rock/alternative
Nickel Creek - "fuse and personalize a wide array of styles with uncommon vigor and elan"
The Postal Service - Electronic/Awesome

My list could go on....

Enjoy. Smile. Listen to music. Know God.

Be blessed.

mama cav = classy lady

I have a confession...

I'm jealous of my mom. Why? Because she just bought this:

2006 Lexus RX Hybrid

Now I know what I'm drivin when I go visit the rents back in the LF...

BTG

Check it: A Minister Walks into a Bar...

Words

My feelings were hurt really badly today...

really bad.

A Des Moines police officer did not have kind words for me earlier this morning. In fact, he did nothing but make me cry and make me feel stupid. I really want to say "Thanks a lot a-hole", but I will bite my tongue.

I made my usual trip downtown Des Moines to the Court House where I had to drop off some documents for one of the lawyers I work with. After circling the Court House for 20 minutes and not being able to find a parking spot anywhere, I decided to park in a private lot right across the street. I knew I was literally going to be in the Court House for maybe 2 minutes, so just figured I'd be in and out, and no one would know that I had briefly disobeyed the law.

As I walked toward my car after doing what I had to do, a man began walking [quite quickly] toward my car from the other direction. My heart began to speed up and all I could think was, "Please no... I don't need a ticket right now..."

I shuffled to the front of my car, and whipped out a pad of paper.

Crap.

Right as he began pulling his cap off of his pen to jot down my license plate number, I opened my mouth and all that came out was "Please don't, I'm REALLY sorry!"

Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't said anything...

I won't quote exactly what he said to me, but it was basically along the lines of "you are stupid, what the f--k were you thinking, you don't have a permit for this lot who do you think you are?, you're not special... etc etc etc...

I think I would have rather gotten the ticket.

Getting yelled at by someone is hard enough, but when it's an older man who does nothing but insult you for 5 minutes, in public, is an absolute nightmare. I bit my lip [hard] for those long minutes attempting to hold in the tears.

Finally after his release of rage, he pointed his finger at me and yelled, "THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU DUMB B-TCH!"

Quickly I got in my car, turned the key, shifted into drive and sped off, finally releasing every ounce of water I had in my eyes. I cried, and cried, and cried... I cried harder than I have in a long time. Never in my life has someone said the words to me that this officer said to me today. I'm gonna be honest when I say that he really pulled me down... he really made me feel worthless and dumb.

Yes, I confess that I should not have parked where I did (even if it was 2 minutes), but I'm sorry, I don't think there is any justifying talking to someone as he did to me.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"... yeah, that's a load of crap.

Words can be absolutely beautiful. They can be incredibly encouraging, but words can also hurt. Words can destroy. Words can seep into our hearts and hit us in areas that we have been wounded before; they reopen those wounds of being worthless... etc. Words... they really can rip someone apart. And they did. Today this guy ripped me to shreds. If his goal was to really pound someone into the ground today, he definitely nailed it.

Be careful the next time someone makes you upset or does something wrong. It's possible that the words you speak to them will stick with them for a long, long time.

[His] Tender Words

I didn't attend my own church this morning, but rather a friend and I went downtown to a church I've been wanting to visit for a while now. I don't think I can even begin to express in words how the Holy Spirit spoke through this pastor. It was insane... amazing insane. I haven't quite been to a service like the one I went to this morning.

After the service, I met up with my mentor at this church. We both had the same idea of how our time together was going to look...

boy were we wrong. God had something else planned.

We sat talking for 10 minutes about how our weekends were, when out of no where the pastor of this church came walking in. He surprised us both because we thought we were the only two left in the building.

"So I hear the LORD spoke wise words through you this morning Pastor H." He looked at us both and just smiled, "the Father is so good to us!"

Amen.

The three of us sat in silence with huge smiles across our faces for what seemed like hours. He then turned to me and began speaking words that made me think to myself "umm... are you stalking me?... because why else would you be saying all this stuff?..."

For half an hour this pastor spoke words about where my heart was... the frustrations that I've been feeling... the desires I have for the beautiful things God has placed in my life... relationships... (sidenote: I've never met or talked to this man before in my life)

He wasn't directing these words specifically at me... yet at the same time everything that came out of his mouth was directly for me. Once these 30 minutes passed he just looked back at me and said, "I'm sorry... I have no idea why I said all that. The Spirit just told me too... I'll let you both get back to your meeting."

My mentor and I just sat for a few moments taking in everything he had shared that had been on his heart. She then apologized and said she wasn't feeling great so she had to leave, but then said, "It's funny how God works Jackie... Pastor H doesn't just come and sit down and talk like that with people for as long as he did, especially when he said he's as busy as he is today. God spoke to you through him didn't he...? I can tell..."

More than I can explain.

Though our purpose of getting together was to discuss how our mentoring stuff was going to look, really we were supposed to be there because the LORD wanted to speak some words to me. The same words that He has been speaking for a while, and the same words that I've been hearing, but I haven't fully been understanding the seriousness and depth of them...

How beautiful is it when God uses people we don't know (and do know) to wake us up... and to speak tenderly to us.

But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young... (Hosea 2:14-15)

New Love (history)

I have a confession... reading the old testament (minus a select few books such as Psalms, Proverbs, Song or Songs, Haggai, and Habakkuk) is a bit rough for me. It's always been that way. Not because I can't understand it, because I can, but because it's strictly history. Yes, the new testament is also history, but it's different... you know what I mean. If you know me well, you know that history is not my thing. In high school I was lucky to get by with a B or C in every history course I took... I despised learning about what the heck happened back in 650 BC. In fact, I despised learning about what happened just 40 years ago in the 60's. So when I found that in college I was going to have to take 2 history classes in order to graduate, right away I signed myself up for a couple religion classes.

Two reasons... 1.) if I was going to have to sit through lectures about history, I might as well learn more about God as well and 2.) I thought that maybe by studying the old testament it would give me a better appreciation for Biblical history.

But again, history... not my thing.

The past few months I've been feeling more called to dig into the old testament (not just read, but dig. There's a difference). And I admit that I've been somewhat... reluctant to following that call...

I know that He's been wanting me to get in deep, but it's been hard to get past "all I keep reading about is this tribe and how they're related to this tribe... blah blah blah..." So what do I do? Read it just to get through it...

"There, I read 1 Kings Lord. Done."

Yeah right Jackie. It quite ridiculous that I sometimes think I'm fooling God by reading what He tells me to, claiming that I'm digging, when in fact I've thrown the shovel off to the side.

I really hope it doesn't sound like I hate the old testament, because I don't! I know there is so much to discover from these books and it really does break my heart that I don't thirst for those stories and readings more. But praise God for being a God that changes hearts... can I get an amen?!

For a while now, all I've been wanting to do is read stuff out of the old testament... but not just read, I've been digging. And digging hard. It's been incredible. It's completely the Lord because I'm actually enjoying everything I lay my eyes on... even 1 and 2 Kings... wow. Enjoying Kings?! That's something I never thought could happen. I'm craving for God's voice and hand, and I'm heavily hearing and seeing it.

Eli makes me laugh... Samuel easily captures my attention... Nehemiah is crazy (good crazy)...

I'm so fascinated with the people God used, spoke to, punished, blessed. I've even gotten to the point where I'm seeking after outside information to learn more about these people. That may not seem like a big deal, but trust me... for me it is. I'm yearning to learn more abuot the early church. It's weird to think that I've been following after God for as long as I have, and I'm just now willing to sweat and dig and run and dive in after the deepness that is within old testament words. It's refreshing... more then refreshing. He's pulled me to a new level of where He wants me to be. And in the process of pulling me, He's changed my heart.

Again, history was never my thing...

but I think it's becoming my thing.

Funny God. I love it.

All up in my Face [Literally]

I kicked off my acting career last night.

A buddy of mine called me up the other day and asked me to be apart of a video that he's making to help promote the dodgeball league at our church.

"Be there at 7:00... get ready to act your brains out."

Walking into the gym, I joined the other "actors" who sat patiently on the bleachers awaiting their turn in front of the camera. A bit confused at what was going on, I turned to the other confused faces asking whether they knew what their parts consisted of or not.

"I have no idea..."

Whew... at least I wasn't the only clueless person in the room.

One by one each of us were called to film our scenes, finding out our lines and characters seconds before the camera began rolling. Laughter overtook the gym... tears rolled down my face as I tried to compose myself. Improv is hysterical. I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time. I wasn't sure how I was going to hold myself together when it was my turn, especially if I was going to have to act like a complete idiot...

which is exactly what I had to do.

Nate stood with his camera a foot away from my face. "Be hysterical... hyperventilate... just freak out for a few minutes... ready... go."

Do what?! Oh gosh... okay, I'll give it a try.

And so I did. I widened my eyes, I made my face turn bright red, I talked twice as fast as I usually do, I fanned my face, I breathed heavily... I did exactly what they wanted; I acted like a nut. Once I finished and the camera was turned off, we all busted out into even more laughter. I'm not an actor, nor have I ever been, but I loved the rush that came during those few minutes of becoming someone completely different than myself.

Soon after I suddenly realized what I had just gotten myself into...

Next week my face was going to appear on an enormous screen (taking up THE WHOLE screen as a matter of fact) in front of a couple hundred people. Then add the fact that I wasn't going to just be starring into the camera, but everyone was going to witness my seconds of "freak out."

Oh geez...

So next week, I'd like to apologize to everyone for the possible saliva that might be visible, for any food that might be stuck in my teeth, if anything penetrates out from my nose, or if my huge eyes suddenly go cross-eyed for even a moment. This shall be interesting...

as well as embarrassing... Oh well!

So sit back and enjoy this... fabulous piece of video we all worked so hard on.

Painting [by GOD]

God painted a picture for Des Moines Iowa this morning.

The majority of the world claims to believe in a god of some type. We [the people of the world] know this god is big, it's in charge of something, and we can ask it to protect us or help us in times of need. A lot of the time, this is where the view of "our god" stops. Though, questions are continually being asked, yet the ears of the askee are being covered by our own hands.

"God, how much do you control?"

"God, how big are you?"

"God, will you prove to me that you're real?"

"God, why don't you ever answer my prayers?"

"God, what do you look like?"

We find ourselves settling towards a view of god that makes complete and utter sense to our own self. Like mentioned, we know this god is big... bigger than us, it's in charge of something... "destiny", and it will protect us when we're in trouble... sometimes...

We ask how big God is, but when He tries to show us we turn the other way... we close our eyes. We believe He's big, but we aren't willing to believe He's really that big. We live life "allowing" God to be as big as we "let" Him be. We hide from the reality of WHO GOD IS because we can't handle not being in control. We can't handle not having evidence and logical answers to back up God-centered questions. We only believe what could logically be true.

Someone who is cured from cancer has become a testimony of a miracle... not of the Hand of God. An earthquake is only the colliding of plates... has nothing to do with the Hand of God. Sperm and an egg coming together to create a baby... again... it's just that; nothing to do with the Hand of God.

Again, we ask...

"Will you prove to me that you're real God? Will you prove to me that you're big?"

... He wants to...

... and He's been trying.

He's been trying nonstop since the beginning of time. He knows He's big, He knows He can do great things, He knows that He can do it all. Yet some how we keep missing it...

Well not today. I certainly, along with many others, know that we were far from missing God revealing a small part of Himself this morning. The picture above, is a of what appeared before us here in Des Moines, Iowa (I apologize for it not being extremely clear - I took it with my phone). It was incredible. I sat in my car outside of where I work for 10 minutes captivated by the sight.

I love how He captured so many eyes and hearts this morning.

There will still be some who saw the phenomenal sight and still say, "Cool, look how all the gases in the sky are mixing and combusting to form the rainbows and bright lights..."

(Keep in mind that GOD is LIGHT and He is the Maker of those gases and particles)

God is an artist and He treated us to one of His paintings today...

simply to just say,

"Look at Me... I'm so much bigger than you let Me be."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then as I looked, I saw a door standing open in heaven, and the same voice I had heard before spoke to me with the sound of a mighty trumpet blast. The voice said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must happen after these things." And instantly I was in the Spirit, and I saw a throne in heaven and someone sitting on it! The one sitting on the throne was as brilliant as gemstones--jasper and carnelian. And the glow of an emerald circled his throne like a rainbow. Twenty-four thrones surrounded him, and twenty-four elders sat on them. They were all clothed in white and had gold crowns on their heads... (Revelation 4:1-4)

♥ Valentines Day ♥

This afternoon I met up with a friend and her new baby boy. He, might I add, is honestly one of the cutest and most beautiful babies I have ever seen... I couldn't stop looking at him. I found myself captivated by his baby blue eyes and his chubby cheeks. All I could think about was how beautiful he was and that our God knit him together.

I wasn't the only one whose eyes were drawn to him.

Her and I got together to specifically talk about how I should go about getting involved with ministry, rather than continuing down the path of becoming a teacher. She told me her story about how she began a journey of becoming a teacher, but then suddenly found herself running towards ministry... she gave me advice on places I could look at working or volunteering this summer that may help give me a better idea of what the Lord is calling me to... she listened as I poured out my desire to serve God in whatever I did... she prayed for me...

And amongst as this I couldn't help but notice one thing...

she would not stop looking and touching her little baby boy.

If I'm ever in deep conversation with someone and I don't feel that I'm getting their full attention, I'll find myself somewhat flustered; they obviously must not care enough about our conversation to zone in 100%.

But... with her, not once did a feeling of "annoyance" or "anger" enter my mind... only joy and excitement.

I knew she was listening. I knew she was fully focused on our conversation. And I knew that every topic we covered set afire a small piece of her heart. But just as I was in awe of her little boy, she too [even moreso] remained fixed on him.

God showed me Himself today in her... and He showed me myself in baby J. He gave me a picture of the way that He cares for [us] His children. He reminded me that He is always touching and checking up on His kids, after every sound or movement they (we) make, because of how captivated He is by our beauty. And yet, we always have His full attention. Even when He's reaching His hand down to wipe away the tears of another, His attention and His desire to hear your cry remains.

How could I get annoyed with my friend when all she was doing was protecting and making sure that her baby was okay... when all she was doing was being like the Father.

Towards the end of our time together, she asked the question of the day (which take me back a year ago I would've burst into tears from sadness)...

"You have any plans with a special guy tonight?"

Surprisingly I found myself with a huge smile across my face, replying with a cheerful "no... no plans. I'm single and I can honestly say that I'm okay with it..."

She smiled at me, then turned her head towards her little bundle of joy and kissed him. It was breath taking... that's exactly what He was doing to me.

Best Valentines Day ever...

V-Day

A little something I received from a brother this morning...

Happy Valentines Day.

To the women who are so valuable to the body of Christ.

This day is dedicated to the remembrance of romance and the love between couples. I think that’s cool and all but hopefully everyday you spend with the one you care about is expresses and filled with romance and love between the two of you. I feel that’s what Jesus's relationship to us embodies.

On this celebrated day I just wanted to write you women to share my appreciation of you all. You women of God have influence and changed the way women have been looked at for generations. Us men are in amazement and admiration of your passion, closeness, and relentless pursuit to honor the Lord God Jesus Christ. Women, I would like to thank you all for being just as God wants you, setting the trend and example for the way women should be. Your influence is going to send echoing repercussions for generations to come. You are valued and loved by the men who through God have been given the name and privilege of being called your brothers. Thank you for encouraging, strengthening, influencing, and being our rock in times of weakness. Without you and the way God uses you, us men would be incomplete.

I know on a personal level God has blessed me by getting to know most of you and a big part of my walk with Christ has been forever inspired and changed because of you.

I hope you all spend this day focusing on the overflowing love Jesus Christ has for you all. He is the ultimate romancer who desires to express his love to His valued creation not once a year but everyday. God recognizes and will reward your lovesick pursuit for Him.

Thank you for being in the body of Christ and building His Kingdom.


Arise Woman Of God

Rise up O woman of God
In what He has given you
The things God has laid on your heart
Rise up, go forth, and do.

Unlock what God has placed within
The potential you have inside
The world is waiting for your release
To expand your wings and fly.

Arise in your God-given gifts
For this is your finest hour
Arise in the Lord’s holy might
Ignited and empowered.

For God is calling you to come forth
To impact this world for Him
Don’t hold back or limit yourself
Let His power arise within.

And take His message to the world
To those that have lost their way
For you can surely make a difference
If you’d hear His voice and obey.

You shall be strengthened in the Lord
As you begin to arise
Conquering those doubts that pull you down
And believe who you are in Christ.

For you shall surely be transformed
As, in you, God increases more
And become a woman of true excellence
Bringing honour to her Lord.

Will (not maybe)

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. (Matthew 5:6)

What an eye-catching verse...

He has made a promise to fill those who crave Him; for the mouths that salivate longing for that righteousness, they will be filled. Not "maybe", not "possibly", and not "sooner or later", but He will fill you. His promises never fail; He will fill you.

The moment that we allow Him to grab a hold of our lives, and everything within them, He meets a need that nothing or no one else can fill. Suddenly, we understand what complete and utter satisfaction means.

Just to sit and think that we no longer have to live an empty life, and we've been handed a promise that hands us countless things... love, wholeness, peace, joy... This Love is...

my (our) Father.

I'm excited to know that you have been filled. I'm excited to know that I have been filled. And I'm excited to know that you can be filled... begin thirsting for Him... you will be filled.

Has, Is, and Will Be

Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please. Isaiah 46:9-10

God is God...

He is the Creator of the universe, the ever reigning King, the Father, our Savior of the world... He is the Mastermind behind everything that has been, is, and will be.

Even before the creation of the world, this God had you in mind. Specifically you. He knew how much you were going to weigh when you were born, what color your eyes were going to be, how tall you were going to be when you hit middle school, that you'd be passionate about sports or the arts, your blood type, the exact moment you knew you were in love for the first time...

...even the very hairs of your head are all numbered... (Matthew 10:30)

We long for people to actually know us; to know who we are as a person. We long for attention and love. Especially women, we long to have a man know the smallest details about us... what our favorite books are, what our comfort food is, what makes our heart skip a beat in excitement, how we like our steak cooked... just think... there is in fact Someone who knows all of that, and so much more.

My beloved, God calls you His own. He knit you together and made you exactly how you are at this very moment. That bump on your nose... supposed to be there. The lacking in ability to play football... not a mistake. Your gift of encouragement... given to you on purpose. In our world if you're a woman and you have size 12 feet, you're a freak. If you're a guy and can't play basketball for the life of you, there must be something wrong with you. If you work in a church and struggle with intercession and prayer, maybe you should go into another field...

Flaws? Nope... the way you were made.

We each have different gifts, abilities, desires, hopes. He planted those things within us. If we all had the same look and talents, we'd be living in a very mechanical world. God doesn't want mechanical... He wants beautiful.

He wants... you.

He has incredible plans for you. There is pain and suffering intertwined with His plans, but to know that by always keeping your eyes fixed on Him, you will find joy in the darkest of times. You will find yourself laughing and dancing, when if without Him, you'd be drowning in the depths of your own waters. Paul was in prison for most of his life, but continued to praise God. During depression, David sang psalms to God... He never leaves your side, ever. Even when you don't feel good, it doesn't mean that God isn't good. He has BIG plans for your life... let Him show you. He wants to... He wants to show you so badly.

The moment you allow Him to direct you and take over your heart, you begin to grasp and taste the great things God has waiting for you. The sweetness is indescribable... for years you had planned on doing one thing... but after allowing Him to take the wheel, you find your desires shifting, guiding you in a direction you never would have dreamed of. And you find nothing but satisfaction in knowing that you are finally going after what He has called you to.

Coming to the surface after being held under water... that gasp of fresh air. Sitting in a bar where smoke blankets you... walking outside and inhaling the freshness of clean air. That my friends, is only a tiny glimpse of what God breathed air is like.

Let Him take you places. Trust Him... allow Him to lead you outside of where you feel comfortable. Ask Him to challenge you... ask for opportunities to shape you into the man or woman He so desires for you to be.

Get up and follow Him... I promise, He won't let you down.

...for in the image of God has God made man (Genesis 9:6b).