24

for the past few months my family and friends have been telling me about this show called 24 that is, and i quote, "one of the best shows ever." i really hadn't been that interested in watching it, but decided to give it a go the other day. i went and rented the first season on dvd just to see what the craze is all about.

i was only going to watch an episode or two...

yeah...

i'm going on episode 13 of the first season.

i'm officially hooked. i don't know what it is, but there is something about this show that continues pulling me back. now i can see why everyone loves it. jack bauer is pretty much one of the coolest people ever, and watching 24 continulously (i'm on fall break so i'm allowed to sit on my butt all day and watch tv) makes me want to become a federal agent and fight crime.

so go watch 24. now.

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sidenote: check out a band called mute.math. i first heard about them a couple of years ago, but hadn't really heard much from them since then. last night i went to see mae at the house of blues downtown chicago and mute math actually opened up for them.

i'd describe them as a mix between a hardcore postal service, u2, coldplay, 311.

"the heart of this project is worship and getting back to the basics of life by simplifying how you choose to lead yours." -paul meany, lead singer/keyboard

"the underlying message of the songs on this ep centers on accepting life's uncertainties and finding peace in giving it up to God."
-christianmusictoday.com

that hurts

"why in the world are you spending so much time with grounded...?"

"have you guys even done anything with it yet? are you ever going to?"

"honestly, no one is going to help you."

"you're not doing it right."

"you don't know at all what you're talking about..."

"i think you're wrong and need to study your theology more."


... a few of the comments that i have received within the last week from friends of mine.

i'm gonna be honest... i'm tired of it.

theology smology...

recently the Lord has been breaking down my heart; in a good way. a lot of my focus the past few weeks has been on theological issues within the church and trying to understand exactly what God means by each verse in His book.

i am 114.65844675% sure that He's been chuckling at me, shaking His head sighing, "oh My child jackie..."

friends started asking difficult questions and estasblishing situations relating to the church and Christ that stopped me dead in my tracks. "that can't be right... but i don't know why..." and "good question, i'm gonna research it". i began emailing people like crazy, asking for their thoughts and/or if they knew of any books where i could get answers...

all i wanted to do was read theology... in my mind, that was going to help me have answers to any question ever presented to me. i started desiring to know as much information (and even more) as some of my friends and i wanted to be able to stand firm (and win) in complex debates concerning Christ. i wanted to be right. i wanted to know it all. i wanted to be the one people turn to with a question. basically... i wanted to be "the poo" (aka "the sh*t").

God has been good though. so good. by about the 3rd chapter of each book i began reading, He was not allowing any information to enter my head and make any sense. the words i read were quite similar to the teacher from charlie brown. "wah wah wah...wah wah wah..." this occurred with every book... i wanted to scream. and i did numerous times. usually it was when i realized there was no way i could understand what any of these theologians were talking about. after the 6th attempt at one of these books, i could finally see God getting a kick out of me... ever have one of those dreams where you show up to class in your underwear?... i haven't, but this was probably just as, or even more so embarrassing then that.

i had been caught craving knowledge and... wanting God's mind. yikes. that's embarrassing.

i'm so glad that i can't understand certain things; i know it would do more harm then good. when the Father wants us to understand something, He will allow us to. we cannot force knowledge. i'm also glad that He has created our minds to not be able to understand the bible to it's full. no way would we be able to handle the complete and utter Truth of every word and sentence written in His Word. that makes heaven so much more beautiful... all things will be understood. that hurts my brain to even imagine.

thankfully i'm not a theologian and nor has God called me to be one. i'm accepting and understanding that even though my friends may be able to read books where i can only comprehend what 3 of the words mean, i'm not inferior and nor am i dumb; that's often how i feel. when and if the Father wants to give me the knowledge and understanding, then i believe He will.

the second we find ourselves reading or debating with the goal of being right and having knowledge, that's when we must stop and redirect.

that's when God is shaking His head.

"oh child..."

pup

the 4 month old pup us cavenders adopted in early september. though he weighs close to 35 pounds already, he enjoys sitting on my lap and snuggling. his name is sammy and i love him a lot.

banter from the brain

my mom and dad are coming to visit me this weekend. i'm excited. i think i hear express calling my name while they're here...

i got a message that my dad had to go to the ER tonight. i don't really know what's up, but say a quick prayer if you could. he has more tests tomorrow. (*tests went okay*)

tonight i drove past a dunk tank sitting on the side of the road... i wanted to pull over and take it. wouldn't it be fun to have a dunk tank? i think so.

i feel the most free i have ever felt... ever. no lie. God's up to something in my life and it's more amazing then i could ever put into words. i've given Him back control, and i'm finally allowing Him to work in the huge ways He's meant to and wants to. and let me tell ya... He's rocking my face off.

i decided that i want to take a 50 months off from work/school (a little over 4 years), drive around in a van (probably like the one above), spend 1 month in each state (though i'd have to fly over to hawaii...), meet tons of people, and just be a messenger for Christ. i think that would rock. any takers?

i got out all my sweaters this afternoon and i'm stoked to wear them. the weather is getting colder and it's looking more like fall. i love it.

i read through 1 john after immersion tonight. highly recommend it.

while working in a 6th grade classroom this morning, a boy came over to where i was sitting to turn on the radio before class. he smiled at me and then cranked up the volume to a christian station. he sat on a stool in front of the radio and began singing along. i wanted to just start talking to Him about Jesus, but had to stop myself. not allowed in schools. i'd quickly get the boot.

peanut m&m's are fabulous. i'm eating some right now. go get yourself a bag and join me in this magical experience.

i just shared the gospel with a friend... pray. she believes in God but doesn't think everything in the bible actually happened and struggles with believing Jesus is the only way to the Father. again, pray.

there were bouncy castles all over drake campus today for homecoming. reminded me of being 5 years old. beauteous.

i'm rediscovering how to worship. and He's even showing me new ways to worship.

it's late and i have to get up for work tomorrow. must be rested in order to carry all those files for all my lawyer friends. ps - friday is the busiest day of the week and i work all day all alone... it's exhasting.

emo kids are my hippies

last night i went to the coheed & cambria show in chicago. it was phenomenal.

concerts do something to me that i can't quite explain. being able to watch a band find joy in playing their music for a crowd, brings me joy.

standing all around me were people wearing black shirts, with tattooed bodies, unusual facial piercings, and long shaggy hair. i found myself immersed in the emo world, feeling at first, out of place. my 7 ear piercings, which had always made me feel a little rebellious, suddenly made me feel like a pansy. as i stood around watching these people that were so fascinating to me (on a number of different levels), i wondered that maybe because i was obviously not living the emo life style, i became fascinating to one of them.

as coheed played, people sang along, heads bobbed up and down, hands flew up in the air, the mosh pit started up, and crowd surfing began... something about all of this fills me with an energy that again, i can't explain.

being surrounded by, and talking with these people, i was reminded of one of the last chapters in blue like jazz. donald miller shares about living out in the mountains for a month amongst hippies.

"i liked them very much because they were interested in me. when i was with the hippies i did not feel judged, i felt loved. to them i was an endless well of stories and perspectives and grand literacy reviews. it felt so wonderful to be in their presence, like i was special. i have never experienced a group of people who loved each other more than my hippies in the woods. ... so much of what i know about getting along with people i learned from the hippies. they were magical in community. people were grawn to them. they asked me what i loved, what i hated, how i felt about this and that, what sort of music made me angry, what sort of music made me sad. they asked me what i daydreamed about, what i wrote about, where my favorite places in the world were. they asked me about high school and college and my travels around america. they loved me like a good novel, a person john irving would write. i did not feel fat or stupid or sloppily dressed. i did not feel like i did not know the bible well or whether or not i sounded immature when i talked. i had always been so cautious of those things, but living with the hippies i forgot about myself. and when i lost this self-consciousness i gained so much more. i gained an interest in people outside my own skin... i cannot tell you how quickly these people, these pot-smoking hippies, disarmed me. because i grew up in the safe cocoon of big-christianity, i came to believe that anything outside of the church was filled with darkness and unlove... never in my wildest dreams would i have imagined there were, outside the church, people so purely lovely as the ones i met in the woods. and yet my hippie friends were not at all close to believing that Christ was the Son of God. this did not confuse me so much as it surprised me."

it's amazing how accepting and loving certain groups of people are. too bad christians are not usually considered to be one of those loving groups. that is down right sad.

these people at the coheed show were to me, what the hippies were to don. yes they drink enormous amounts. yes they swear uncontrollably. yes they smoke cigarettes. yes they smoke pot. yes they most likely do other drugs. but they sure do know how to love people. how is it that a lot of these people, who have no interest in knowing Jesus Christ, share so much love, while those who desire to be like Christ (love), are constantly judging and condemning people we don't know, along with our own brothers and sisters?

i think i love being at concerts like this because i'm surrounded by such loving people. people who want to hear your opinion, even if they don't agree with it. they love to hear others speak passionately about something. just as the hippies taught don how to love others... i feel that just being engulfed by different people at a concert or a bar teaches me more about how to love everyone i come into contact with. could it be possible that the Lord is using these people to teach me how to love more?

i know a christian organization that looks down upon hanging out with those who are not believers. going to clubs/bars, being in certain social organizations (sororities/frats, etc), and going to non-christian concerts is unacceptable. if you hang out with someone who doesn't know Jesus, it's because they are working on leading them to Christ, but once the person becomes a follower, they drop them and move onto their next project. yuck.

if i had to be around christians 24/7 for the rest of my life, i may go nuts. no... i would go nuts. i want to go into places like bars and nonchristian concerts. i want to go into these places because it's exactly where Jesus stood. i guess i want to be a rare example of a person passionate about the Lord, who listens and loves the people who hang out in these places daily. yes i will be persecuted at times, and yes some people will flee when they find out i go to church, and yes i will even flee at times, but i still have a deep desire to be put in the middle of this lifestyle.

plus... it's refreshing to be around people who aren't so tense and sheltered all the time. they're funny and really a lot of fun. now i know why i hung out with nonchristians all through high school. i'm able to connect with people who aren't believers on a level that i could never connect on with christians.

i'm ready to be put back in.
i'm ready to be taught more about love.
i'm ready to be a light.
i'm ready to be real.

box (with or without a lid?)

what would you do if you had no fear?

this question was raised to me a number of years ago, but has recently been brought back into the picture. can you imagine what our world would be like if we lived free from fear? the absence of fear in sharing the Truth, the absence of fear in sharing your story, the absence of fear in letting Yeshua be fully and completely in control.

man alive. just imagine...

we live today with little faith. though we like to think we have faith beyond belief, we really don't. we've taken the Lord, put Him in a box, and we allow Him to work as much as we allow Him to. why don't we understand that He wants to do so much more then we're letting Him? just as He won't force anyone to believe in Him, He won't force us to let Him do what He desires to do. we've opened the lid of the box this much -...

but what would happen in our lives... in our country... in our world, if we took the lid off completely?

"satan, who i believe exists just as much as i believe Jesus exists, wants us to believe meangingless things for meaningless reasons. can you imagine if christians actually believed that God was trying to rescue us from the pit of our own self-addiction? can you imagine? can you imagine what americans would do if they understood half the world was living in poverty? do you think they would change the way they live, the products they purchase, and the politicians elect? if we believed the right things, the true things, there wouldn't be very many problems on earth." ~donald miller (blue like jazz)

why can't we start living like people did way back when? why can't we live like paul? barnabas? david? nehemiah?

what is happening to our faith and trust in Him?... we're dying. why are we, servants and children, attempting to control our Master and our Father?

do we seriously think we know better?

fear is that lid on the box...

what would happen if we didn't have a lid? what would happen if we stepped back and gave the Lord His control back? what would happen if we died to ourselves, and let HIM lead?

He has so many incredible things He wants to do and show us, but He's just waiting until we're done trying to be the one in charge.

just imagine.

protest

is it bad that i think protestors are... let's say... ridiculous?

i couldn't help but laugh when i drove by kfc this afternoon, where 5 people stood outside marching back and forth, waving their signs, telling no one to eat from kfc ever again. not to mention, some dude dressed in a chicken suit sat there holding a sign with a picture of a chicken about to get it's head cut off.

i cracked up... it was ridiculous and it reminded me that i think protesting is, again, ridiculous.

i myself am not a religious kfc eater, and nor do i think their food is good. also, like these animal rights activists, i too love animals... but when it comes to chickens, cows, pigs... kill 'em all you want cause that just means i have some meat to eat.

sure, there are definitely things that are probably worth protesting, but kfc...? c'mon guys...

at least protest something that has some sort of value to life.

the cavender clan

my family is amazing.

they're weird, crazy, funny, ridiculous, and huge dorks... and i love it.

tonight i got a phone call from the whole crew; denny, gail, amanda, and bethy. they thought it'd be funny to call me while they sat around the dinner table eating dinner, and put me on speaker phone.us cavender's, are classy folks... my mom spent the whole day slaving behind a hot stove cooking macaroni & cheese and hot dogs for everyone. i love that my mom made macaroni & cheese and hot dogs for family dinner... that freaking rocks.

being put on speaker phone for the 30 minutes that i was brought me back to our family dinners we used to have when i was living at home. there was never a moment that someone wasn't laughing. i could hear my little sister snorting, and her food flying out of her mouth as she laughed. which then trigered a mental picture of amanda falling out of her chair, laughing silently trying to catch her breath. my moms eyes squinted shut trying not to cry from laughing so hard. i could picture them sitting there, seeing who could eat all their macaroni first without using their hands... the best is when my dad jumps in. food'll be hanging from his face, he'll know it, but he'll pretend like it's not there. classic denny.

the burping contests have to be the best... though i always lose, they make me laugh.

a couple weeks ago amanda gave me a "family update":

"mom's getting mommier, dad's getting weirder, and bethy's getting sassier."

tonight i could actually see these changes. i guess the other day, my dad ambushed my sister with water balloons for no reason. he just found some water balloons in the house, filled them up himself, waited outside for her to come home from work, and then chased her down, throwing as he could.

i just began to see these changes, though it all started a few years back... my mom emails me daily, calls me to see if i got her emails daily, leaves me 5 minute long messages daily... my dad decided to buy a 1960 tbird off of ebay, which then led to buying a house in colorado just for kicks, which then led him to almost buying 100 acres of land... my younger sister became an "upperclassman", she hangs out with her friends all the time, and uses sarcasm like it's her job. as for amanda... she's getting married... other then that, i think she's the only sane one in the house... maybe.

jokes were flying left and right over the phone... i wish i could have recorded this classic cavender moment.

i share all this because i love how insane and spontaneous my family is. i almost forgot how much fun i have when i'm with them; even if it is just over the phone.

pound it sistas.

spiritual makeover

a big thanks to the people who have been lifting me up... He's definitely listening and changing things. the physical pain is definitely still here (for now), but over night i've gone through an emotional and mental makeover.

praise the Lord.

my face currently:
still obviously in pain, but the joy is pushing its way through.

h-e-a-ven

i think heaven is going to look something like this:

and that makes me smile.

a lot.

7 hours in the ER

starting at 10:30pm wed night, i began receiving horrific sharp pains on the left side of my lower back. because i do in fact have a weak back from an almost paralyzing snowboarding accident 3 1/2 years ago, i figured the pains were just my usual back pains. as the night went on, they got worse... and worse... and worse. the pain got to the point where i couldn't stand up straight and any position i put myself in (even when i was completely still) the pains only grew. after not sleeping for more than an hour that night, i made my way to the the ER at mercy hospital around 12:30pm thursday afternoon.

i was admitted at about 1:30 where right away i was handed a cup and directed to the nearest bathroom. peeing in a cup... life doesn't get much better than that. the doctor pushed, pressed, and poked the left side of my body which, did not make me a happy camper.

"look's like it's your kidney hun... we're gonna test you for a kidney infection or kidney stones. i'll have a nurse come in to take some blood."

wonderful. take blood from the girl who is terrified of needles. thankfully my roommate was there with me and graciously offered to hold my hand. yes, tears fell, but 5 vile's later it was over.

from 2:30-6:00, keely and i sat and waited for results of my tests. people go crazy while having to wait long periods of time in hospitals; i had forgotten this... yet it was entertaining. finally at 6:00 i was taken to get a CT scan and an xray of the area they were worried about...

good news: no kidney infection or kidney stones

bad news: something was found in which there is no way of fixing it (right now)

i'm currently on pain medication because that's all they can do right now. in the middle of october, i have to go in for more testing to see if things are better or to see if i need surgery.

i'm gonna be real... i'm really scared. whatever happens in october can affect my future and things that i've always wanted. i sit here almost in disbelief because it doesn't feel real. i'm trusting the Lord... i am putting my trust in HIM. i trust my Daddy, but i've never been so scared... ever.

request: pray. i'm being bold... pray for complete healing. both physical and emotional.

workin for the fuzz

a friend of mine who works for an anti-tobacco company hooked me up with doing alcohol checks for the waukee police department. going into bars and gas stations trying to buy beer sounded like fun, so my friend jenny and i headed to the police station for our assignment last night.

sergeant troy and officer rod had 5 bars and 7 gas stations we needed to check out. things got even more interesting when we found out we'd all be riding around in an undercover cop car together. sweet... i had never been in a cop car, let alone doing secret agent work for the popo.

our assignment: go into 5 bars (mikeys, bank bar, the pub, los [something], and... another...), sit down at the bar, order a beer of some kind, see if they check id.

say not old enough - leave bar causally and don't make a scene; go along with whatever they say.
if served (whether id is check or not) - sit for a few minutes with beer in hand (NO DRINKING), pay, walk out to let officers know what happened, officer's go in and fine that person $700 and the bar/station will be put on a watch list or have their license suspended.

bar #1:
jenny and i entered, walked right up to the counter, and sat down. quickly, a guy came out from the back room, saw us, asked us what we wanted, gave us our order, and left quickly back into where he had come from. we sat for about two minutes, left money on the counter, and made our way outside to tell troy and rod who served us, and that they didn't check our id's. troy and rod then made their way into the bar while we sat waiting in the car. about 5 minutes later, troy comes out laughing a bit... "you guys got the manager..."

bar #2-#4:
id's checked, and they wouldn't serve. i was almost served at bar #3, but jenny got up after he told her she was too young...

bar #5:
we walked into a completely empty bar, except for 3 people working. sat down at the counter where right away the lady asked for our id's. literally, she studied mine like a hawk for 2 or 3 minutes... "honey, this doesn't look like you at all! wow..." "well, i was only 16 and i had jaw surgery, that's why i look so different." she even showed the other 2 people working because she was so shocked it didn't look like me. finally gave me mine back and took jenny's... "hun, you're not old enough, i can't serve you"... [turned to me]... "what do you want honey." "miller lite in the bottle please." we sat for a few minutes, paid, and then exited. cops then went in... 10 minutes later we look down the street watching the manager shake her finger at troy and rod. when they got back in the car, i learn that the woman who served me had some choice words expressing her anger at me... "that skanky b-tch!! this is entrapment! that b-tch better not f--king come in here again! that b-tch!" so glad i didn't have to enter that bar again... and i don't think i ever will...

gas station #1:
jenny got carded and left empty handed.

gas station #2:
i walked in, grabbed a six pack, walked to the counter where a 16 year old kid happened to be working... paid and walked out. cops went in where he replied... "man! she looked 21, i didn't think i needed to card her!" i admit... i do feel bad about this one... 16 years old!... $700 fine and fired from his job... mommy and daddy are not going to be too pleased with that one.

gas station #3-#5:
jenny walked away with nothing from two place, and i walked away beerless from one.

gas station #6:
walked in, grabbed a case, showed rhonda my id when she asked, where she replied, "illinoisssss!! whacha doin here in good ol' ioowaaa?!" walked out... #4 busted for the night.

gas station #7:
we drive by out last stop where rod and troy say, "JASON IS WORKING! we HAVE to bust him... HUGE drug dealer. he'll sell to you because you're hot." (weird... thanks...???) i go in, grab a pack, he checks my id, but discovers i'm not old enough. i walk out empty handed. once i explain this to troy and rod, they go in anyways suspecting something... found out that another store had called them to give them the heads up, which come to find out is illegal. stores are told to keep quiet when these checks take place... so i guess a woman named bonnie is in HUGE trouble for opening her big mouth. thanks bonnie, i wanted to get the drug dealer!

i admit there were times (mainly for the 16 year old) that i felt bad, but checking id's correctly is apart of their job! they need to do it right. if i can walk into these places and get served that easily, who's to say some kid who is 18 isn't going to walk into a place, get served, drink their brains out, and end up getting in a drunk driving accident that night, killing someone. in reality, i am looking at it as me helping out underage people from having access to something they are not supposed to touch until they're 21.

what i learned:

• cops have DIRTY mouths
• cops have DIRTY minds and say whatever is on them (even if it's something totally inappropriate aimed at you)
• people need to work on their math skills...
• i am now hated by at least 4 people in waukee
• if i bat my eyes and smile at guys working in bars and gas stations, i can most likely get what i want
• i'm $40 richer

if i wasn't already going to school for secondary ed, i'd so look into becoming an undercover cop.

[secret agent man... secret agent man...]

over and out.

guilty & truth

before i start i must confess something...

i fell into the trap of big sunglasses. i've always hated them, and recently i decided to try a pair on just for kicks... and to my surprise, i fell in love with them. and i broke down, going against everything i've always believed, and bought myself a pair.

whew... that felt good to admit.

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yesterday and today were huge for me. some spiritual battles i've been facing since i was in romania this summer, have peeked to the surface and the source is slowly being unveiled. with lots of prayer, talking with a couple very knowledgeable people, and lots of patience... i'm finally beginning to see where this battle started. yet, i still have no idea why or for how much longer it will last, but i know that in time truth will be revealed.

i'm still waiting for a call, but i'm going to be meeting with someone this week who, from what i hear, is extremely wise in spiritual warfare such as what i've been experiencing. it will be great to look deeper into this stuff with someone who knows more about it, but i'm also making sure to continue trusting that the Lord will give me all the answers He wants to when He's ready to. i keep asking... and asking... and asking... but nothing. and until i hear truth, i won't stop asking.

i'm taking God out of the box i've placed Him in. i expect Him to answer me. i expect for Him to tell me truth. i'm sick of praying, the "if it's your will" prayers and i'm opening the door back up, allowing the Father to work the way He wants to and the way He can.

man... if we all let Him work the way He wants to, do you know the kind of stuff that would go on and happen?!

i can't believe i'm stopping crazy awesome things from happening in our nation and world just because i don't have enough faith and trust in our Creator. it's ridiculous. just goes to show how much we really do want to be in charge. yuck.

i challenge you. let Him out of the box to work. open the box up all the way and let Him go do His thing. stop holding Him captive, allowing Him to just seep through the small crack. He's not going to fight us as we continue to hold Him hostage... He's just waiting for us to realize that He can do HUGE things if we just let Him.. when you open this box up, expect Him to work in crazy ways. expect Him to do radical things. expect Him to answer you. expect nothing less than God.

"God delights in revealing Himself to those who will seek Him with all their hearts. He is an extravagant, abundant Lover, and He loves to reveal His heart to us again and again."

woah... that's huge.

randomness

everyone's getting married.

dang.









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on a lighter note, go buy the new juliana theory album; deadbeat sweetheartbeat. one of their best album's yet.

from the past

i'd like to share a few old pictures i found in a box that make me laugh (you don't have to understand, just laugh along with me)...

happy birthday dad

tomorrow is my dad's 55th birthday. sadly, i won't be able to make it back to lake forest to celebrate with him. i'm not usually one to remember how we have celebrated our family members birthdays in the past, yet i can guess that almost every year in the past for my dad's birthday, we've gone to his (and my) favorite sushi restaurant for dinner. it's a good easy way to celebrate; dinner with the people you love.

also, i'm certainly never able to recall what presents i bought for people in the past. sometimes i even fear buying someone something that i may have bought for them on a previous birthday.

but... i don't think i will ever forget what my family did and what i bought my dad for his 52nd birthday back in 2002.

my dad didn't want to do anything too fancy, so instead of going out, our family stayed in and ate one of my mom's famous home cooked meals. after dinner my dad made his way up to his room to rest before opening his presents. we all decided to let him relax in his favorite chair and we gathered together in my parents room to give him his gifts. one by one we went around the room... i was last... and i was nervous...

my dad has this ability to just hold a wrapped present and guess exactly what it is, so the second he took the present from my hand, he knew it was a book... but he had no idea what book...

when he ripped the wrapping paper off, his eyes caught a glimpse of the title, "let's roll." now, if you are unfamiliar with this book, let me explain...

the lady who wrote this book, lisa beamer, wrote it about her husband, todd beamer, who was one of the hero's on flight 93 from september 11th. he was one of the men that took down the terrorists, causing the plane to crash in the middle of pennsylvania, rather then into the white house. right before they attacked the terrorists on the plane, someone said, "are you ready?" todd beamer replied with, "let's roll." the book is about his life, their family, and his love for the Lord.

when my dad saw the title, he began to cry... no weep. when we lived out in california my dad worked with david beamer, todd's dad. my dad knew their family very well. i wanted to give this book to my dad because of how personal it was... though he cried and cried and cried... he couldn't stop thanking me for the wonderful gift. he talked about how he will never forget where he was when he found out about todd... just as i will never forget that i was sitting in 2nd period chemistry when i first heard, and watched, the 2nd plane hit the world trade center.

this past sunday (september 11), there was a special about flight 93 called "the flight that fought back." i watched it... i didn't know todd beamer... but i cried. i cried because i knew that my dad was most likely watching it back at home, but also because of the tears he shed when i gave him that book for his birthday 3 years ago.

have you ever seen your dad cry? let alone weep?... man... no words can describe how heart wrenching and painful it is to watch your dad sob.

got me thinking though... the thought of my Father crying, Yeshua crying... tears fall with just the quick thought of it.

crying is painful, but so powerful.

so cry. (especially if you're a boy - it's okay to cry... i'm giving you permission to cry).

so again... cry.

ouch

today i was lucky enough to get a revisit from the slipped disc fairy...

i literally have the back of a 45 year old woman... science should seriously look into back transplants.

i really need one.

bad.

laguna obsession

i confess... i'm obsessed with the show laguna beach. maybe you've heard it. it's on mtv every monday night. it's probably not one of the best show's to truly enjoy, but for some odd reason, i love it. every monday night at 9:00 you can find me getting my laguna fix for the week.

the whole concept of the show is getting a look at the dramatic lives of 8 high school seniors (and a couple college freshman) living in laguna beach, california. these kids come from families that are insanely wealthy, so you can imagine a few ways in which they live. each episode is filled with drama concerning the people they don't like and/or an ex (or current) boy/girlfriend. and boy do they have dirty mouths! i know... sounds ridiculous and trashy... and the thing is, it is... but there's something about it that pulls me in.

in a weird sick way, this show reminds me of home. laguna beach is almost an exact replica of my home town (minus being next to the ocean). i was surrounded by kids just like these all through high school. definitely annoying at times because of the drama that was brought, but i did the best i could to stay clear of letting that drama enter into my life. i hate drama, but it's high school so every now and then it never failed to seep in through the cracks of my life that i swore i was protecting.

the kids on laguna beach welcome drama in with open arms... the drama occurs... and i am sucked in. i don't get it.

here is my conclusion... we always want to have something exciting going on in our lives, otherwise we'll get bored. i think laguna beach serves as my small dose of drama that i don't have. yes crazy things happen in my life, but nothing like laguna... at least never often. though i love the show, i am glad that i don't live that kind of life. it's okay at a distance, but the thought of living that way... makes me want to gouge my eyes out.

it makes me sad at times to watch these kids and know that they are living for nothing. they are constantly going from one thing to the next, because they need more excitement. their relationships become boring after a week, so they move onto the next person. they cheat on their boy/girlfriends. they mess with each others minds. they make up rumors for attention... they are in one of the most beautiful cities in the united states, where the Lord is beaming, yet they are blind. it really does make me sad...

when i go home, i'm realizing more and more how much i can see the characters of laguna right next door. i think my town is absolutely beautiful (i hope that doesn't sound cocky, because it's not meant to), but i wish that people would get past their money, get past their bmw's and land rovers, get past their daddy's credit cards, and SEE Jesus. this is why people in america are turning away more and more from the Lord... all these material items, and our need for drama, blind us.

oh laguna.

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just a side note: if you don't have the postal service cd give up, go get it. make sure to listen to #3 and #4... i can't stop listening to these two songs.

trip to the post office

what i love about my job is the freedom that it offers. yes i work in a typical office, but most of the time i'm out running from place to place delivering, picking up, buying, all sorts of things that the lawyers say they need done. if/when i am in the office, i sit in the small library either catching up on homework or some reading, until someone lets me know they need me to run an errand. even then, if an errand doesn't have to be run by a certain time, i wait until i have about 5 places to go, so i can do them all at once while i'm out.

this morning i sat doing homework from 9am-11am. at 11:00 i took off for the bank, another law firm, the court house, the treasury, and finally the post office.

when i got to the post office around 11:45, i pulled up behind a car with a "thank you Jesus" sticker on it. as i walked by, because of the dork i am i mumbled a big "rock on" to myself, then contined to make my way to the end of the line inside. soon after i got in line walked in a man and a woman about 80 years old. right away my eyes were drawn to this couple, yet i didn't know why. the man joined in the line behind me, but continued to wonder around the post office as if he was looking for something. i was confused. he then tapped me on the shoulder, asking me if i was in line. i turned, smiled, and said yes.

after my response, he lifted up his hand, patted me against my bank and said, "does that cross you have around your neck have any significance?"

a blessed conversation began...

i stood and listened to loren explain to me the ministry, "thank you Jesus cross ministries", him and his wife had started a number of years back. he spoke of how being a retired carpenter was hard because he spends a lot of money buying lumber for the crosses and plaques that he makes for their ministry. "we are trying to rent out an apartment we have in order to raise some more money... the Lord will bless us though." he continued on with telling me about his youngest daughter who just got back from tahiti where she was there for 4 months doing mission work; "she wants to be a missionary."

as i listened, i became unconscious of the world around me. i couldn't get past how excited and passionate this wrinkly 6'5" man was about Jesus, life, and his ministry.

it was encouraging. the exact encouragement i needed.

he waited til it was my turn in line and then proceeded to leave the line with me, abandoning his turn. he walked with me outside. "i want to give you one of the crosses i made and i want you to meet my wife." as loren opened his trunk, it was full of wooden crosses that he had made from scratch... understand this... i'm not usually a fan of "Jesus" wooden plaques and trinkets, but there was something special about this one. i then met jeanne, loren's wife. she took the cross, writing my name and the date on it. i couldn't stop smiling... what a blessed trip to the post office.

loren continued on speaking about the Lord, and all i could do was listen. his passion flowed out. he then stopped, looked at me for maybe 10 seconds without any words, then turned to his wife and said, "honey... can't you just see Jesus shining out from behind this young lady's beautiful eyes... He is alive in her. i can see Him."

what a wonderful encounter.

i don't think loren and jeanne will ever know the encouragement they poured on me this morning. i have their number... maybe i should visit them sometime. old people like that...

best trip to the post office ever.

life long position

currently i'm working on getting a degree in secondary education (junior high specifically) focusing on both english and reading. i love kids, especially midget ones who range from ages 11-14. yes, they're cocky, stuck up, "too cool", and smart aleck... but they are unlike any other age group. it may not seem like it, but all they want is older people to love on them. they desire to be loved and desire to have someone older tell them they can do something; that they can make a difference.

reminds me of a verse... don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity (1 timothy 4:12, NLT)

kids are constantly being told that they wrong... that they don't know anything... that they could never make a difference. and then we wonder why this age group is so troubled. they are in dire need of love. they need people telling them that they are worth something and that they too have been called on a mission by Yeshua. i was honored... and blessed... to be able to work with the junior high youth group, powerlife, at my church last year. the girls in my group were incredible. i witnessed transformation in each of them. as the year went on, the more they were told 'they matter' and 'they too have a battle to fight', their passion for Jesus flourished. beauteous. people may not think it, but middle schoolers watch older people like hawks. and even when you don't think they're listening, they've heard you loud and clear. 11-14 year olds are not dumb... yes they do stupid things, but so do people who are 25, or even 55. we don't give these kids enough credit. we treat them as though they've already failed, which only sets them up for future failure. it's sad.

i keep using "kids"...

in today's world, the definition of "kid" is: someone younger then 18 who doesn't know a whole lot, doesn't know what's best for them, and gets in trouble often.

but i tell ya... i would love to be called a kid or a child. our definition of these words is skewed. the Father uses these words with a different definition in mind.

the Lord protects those of childlike faith (psalm 116:6, NLT)

• we need to start the foundation of Jesus Christ early within kids. as people get older, it gets harder and harder for the Truth to be heard... adults have lost their sense of faith and hope... they need physical proof to believe something. children don't need that physical evidence.

the real children of abraham, then, are all those who put their faith in God (galatians 3:7)

so you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus (galatians 3:26)

everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is a child of God (1 john 5:1)

we are called to be children; to have child-like faith. why have we turned "kid" or "child" into such a negative connotation? i pray we refocus, and we rediscover what the true meaning of child is. 13 year olds lash out because being a "child" has become negative... it whispers to them that they are not capable.

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i say all this because of my passion for reaching this age group... yet i now stand at a crossroad... is this really where i'm being called...

i think i would definitely enjoy teaching, but... i wouldn't be able to share the Good News with my students. that saddens me. i can only pray for them on my own time. my heart longs to share Jesus with them, but because of laws inside classrooms, i am unable to speak one word about God.

there is a leader at my church who in college was going to school for elementary education, but once she realized that she ached to share the Word and wouldn't be able to inside of a school, she realized she was being called to full time ministry. i'm not saying that is my case, but i wonder...

with grounded developing, my heart is changing. i still have a passion for middle school kids, but more and more my heart is breaking to reach 18-24 year olds. i strongly feel that both of these age groups are going to be a huge part of my life, yet i'm not exactly sure how.

a friend of mine once asked me, "if you could get paid to do anything in the world, what would it be?"... my answer was something along the lines of "graduate from college and work with people, but i'm not really sure." ... well... i think i finally have an answer... and because of the longing i have for this, i wonder if it's where He is calling me...

i want to work as a counselor in a church, focusing on people 25 and younger... while being heavily involved in college aged ministry.

whew. that felt good to say.

2 things... first, what is it that you want to do? - could God be calling you to a job that you're not currently in? - do you believe the position you have is where the Father wants you? maybe, maybe not... i challenge you to evaluate where you are and if it aligns with the passion Jesus has painted on your heart.

secondly, say a quick little prayer for me. as much as i want to know right now, i'm okay with the Lord telling me when it's time. i don't want to be more concerned about His will for me then He is. i believe the truth will be revealed in time. but until then, pray.

reason for absence

i'm home sick.

really home sick. i'm not talkin illinois-chitown-cavender family-my bed in lake forest-home sick... i'm talking about my real home. the home where my Daddy lives.

all i want to do... is just go home...

brings me back

smell is the most sensitive sense that triggers memories of past experiences. usually right when an aroma surrounds you, you can determine whether you like it or don't. also, smell can bring you back to those specific significant moments in your life, where if you hadn't encountered the aroma, you may never have thought about that certain event ever again.

today i was pulled back... as i helped a friend of mine carry her groceries up to her apartment, i began to inhale a familiar smell. suddenly i found myself replaying a scene in my head from when i was 7 years old...

the smell brought me back to my dentist's office when i lived out in california. i always hated going there... dr. gabore... that was her name. i certainly never thought very highly of her. she had a cool dentist office, but she was m-e-a-n. so mean. my hatred for her rose on a specific day in april of 1992... the day i had to get my first cavity filled.

as i walked into the back room, holding my blanket closely to my body, dr. gabore explained to my mom that she did not allow parents in the back, even during fillings... but not only that, she explained that she did not believe in using any kind of novocaine or anesthetics (she was russian and began her practice there which could explain some things). as a 7 year old, i didn't really have any idea what was going to occur or how necessary novocaine was during a filling.

the aroma that i smelt today pulled me back to one of the worst hours of my childhood. i could do nothing by cringe...

as i remembered myself crying... no... weeping and screaming in pain, she told to me numerous times, "stop being a baby!" my arms had been tied down, while her assistant held my legs to prevent me from kicking, as she did the procedure of destroying my tiny cavity. over and over again i told her i had to go to the bathroom... my plan was to either lock myself in the bathroom forever, or just run out of the office and never come back... but she replied with, "go in your pants you baby!"

let me remind you... seven years old with no pain killers... SEVEN years old with NO pain killers... NO PAIN KILLERS. if you've never had a cavity, just know that without any sort of anesthetic during a filling, it is honestly one of the most painful things there is.

two things changed that day. first, we went in search of a new dentist who actually liked children. and secondly, i grew a phobia of dentists and drills, which i still have today. even the sound of a drill pulls me back to being 7 years old and brings tears to my eyes. the smell though... i felt like i was reliving that moment from 13 years ago. even though a random smell pulled me back to that horrible moment, i still absolutely love smells. any time that a scent of something takes me back to the past, i know that that moment was life changing for me in some way or another.

when i smell roses... i'm pulled back to when my dad bought me flowers for the first time and how loved i felt. the smell of rum... it brings me back to the first and only time i was ever drunk, which still to this day makes me dry heave. the smell of salt water... it pushes me back to staying at my beach house in california. the smell of a certain cologne... it allows me to remember my first kiss and how nervous i was. ...and the smell of dr. gabore's office... it causes me to remember the torture she put me through.

throughout all this, it got me thinking about heaven. will we be able to smell in heaven? is there going to be smells or even senses? could i be walking along the road, catch a quick whiff of fresh bread and be pulled back to the first time my mom ever made bread when we were living on earth? are we even going to be able to remember our lives on earth? will we even be able to remember what smell is? will there only be smells of beauty? will we be too focused on Yeshua to even notice an aroma?

i'll be honest though... i hope that we do smell. i want to smell... i think i want to be brought back to some of those moments.

but it's heaven...

i'm pretty sure there is Something much Greater.

not just colors

i bought a framed poster of this painting today... phenomenal.

i used to be really involved with art before college and i loved it. one of my best friend's mom's even opened up an art gallery for high school students my senior year and a few of my pieces were actually up for sale in it. sadly, the gallery didn't do as well as we all had hoped and it had to be shut down after about a year. shame.

i loved to sketch people, but there was always something about painting that caught my attention. i was always told what i needed to paint, what was missing, what wasn't good enough... which i was fine with... but... it was all that i knew. when i got to college, i discovered a few things... i discovered i never really got to create what i wanted to paint. i never got to express anything of my own with the brush i held in my hand. the canvas i painted on was only part mine.

my paintings all consisted of scenery... pretty, but not moving. not from deep within...

i finally began to discover how to create something of my own... i let Him guide me. i felt this was the first time i actually began to paint and express my thoughts and my desires.

now my paintings speak to me... now my creations mean something. people may look at my work, or this specific piece i purchased today, and not understand the meaning... and all i can really say is, i'm sorry. this type of work is not just colors poured onto a canvas, and it's certainly not just random shapes. every single inch of this work, and my own, is specifically and carefully planned out; it's there for a reason. the red has a meaning... the white... the blue... the boxish shape... it means something.

these pieces reveal to me the Truth... Power... the Father. abstract pieces show me His face. never has art work hit my heart so hard, until my eyes caught a glimpse of the beauty in these... abstract... masterpieces.

He is man fully alive in this painting...

glorious.

driving

back in high school i used to go driving a lot. mostly at night. i'd find myself not being able to sleep so i would leave my house, jump in my car, and just drive. i didn't have an agenda or a destination... i would just drive wherever i felt led. these driving times were times when my stereo was switched to off (the only time that ever happens) and i'd focus completely in on my Father.

there's something about driving by myself at night that helps me connect with Yeshua on levels i don't experience throughout my day. the night allows me to see a beauty that i can't see or experience when it's light out.

because i don't have a plan, my mind is solely fixed on Him... nothing or no one stands in the way. it's a time where i can't help but pour out my thoughts. pour out my feelings. pour out my tears. our out my whole soul. it's the time that i hand my heart over to Him... i love it.

i haven't gone out for a drive in a while, mainly because of gas prices these days, but tonight i was due. i'll be honest... tonight wasn't one of the best nights i've ever had... i couldn't help but get in my car and just go. this was probably only my 3rd time doing my spur of the moment driving in the 2 years that i've been here in des moines...

wow.

tonight i was in awe. call my crazy, but i found des moines absolutely beautiful tonight. i couldn't get over it... it was gorgeous.

i've never really considered des moines a beautiful place. i find my hometown beautiful... i find the mountains of colorado beautiful... i find brazil beautiful... i find romania... absolutely beautiful... but des moines? nope... not usually. so tonight it was obvious to me that He was doing nothing but showing me a glimpse of Himself throughout the city.

captivating... breathtaking... astonishing...

and that awesome thing is... i don't even care about going out and "wasting" gas tonight.

so worth it.

i spoke too quickly

today i got smacked in the face.

every morning when i wake up i do one of two things... first, if i'm heading to work, i wont shower (sue me) and i'll put on some sort of scrubs because i know that olivia, the little girl i nanny, will want to go play softball or go catch frogs at greenwood pond. knowing that i'll be getting dirty and be sweating like a man, i won't take time to get cleaned up. there's no point. on the other hand in the morning when i'm not working or i know that olivia and i will be going shopping or going to a movie... that's when i will shower and try to look decent.

something to understand... when i'm getting clean, it means i'll put something other than jeans and a workout shirt on. most of my clothes actually are either commonly considered "dressy" or "srubs". the only stores i really shop at are: express, j. crew, banana republic, and gap. as you can tell from that list, all the clothes from those stores are more along the lines of "dressy" and "nice"...

i take pride in what i wear. i shop at those stores because i love their clothes. i enjoy "dressing up" after every time i shower because that's when i feel the nicest... it makes me feel good. i don't do it to impress anyone or try to get attention; i wear these clothes because they are an expression of who i am.

well... today... this area was targeted... and i'll be honest when i say that my pride was hurt a bit.

i ended up showering today, so that meant it was time to wear something other than scrubs. i began to blow dry my hair and then i moved on to deciding an outfit to wear. i then proceeded to finish getting ready and then left to go pick up olivia. during this process i had a quick encounter with a good friend of mine... she began laughing at me. i was confused... this is about how the conversation went...

me: "why are you laughing at me?"
friend: "because of what you're wearing... why are you all dressed up to go to adventureland?"
me: "... i'm not dressed up..."
friend: "yes you are."
me: "i'm wearing shorts and a regular teeshirt, how is that dressed up? i always wear stuff like this when i go to themeparks."
friend: "... really? well, you're definitely dressed up. why don't you just wear gymshorts and a workout teeshirt?"
me: "i don't know... but i don't think i'm dressed up."
friend: "whatever... i definitely make fun of people like you..."

this encounter shouldn't have been a huge deal, but because it dealt with something i take pride in... it hurt. a lot. "i definitely make fun of people like you"... at that very moment she was doing exactly what she said, and it was not in a friendly "haha" way. i know that this was not a personal attack on me... but it ways i felt like it was. since i believe my clothes express apart of who i am, i felt she was making fun of who i was and my personality.

i admit... i'm a girly girl most of the time. i like wearing makeup (not a lot). i like putting on some jeans and wearing a pair of pointy heels with them. i like styling my hair. i like... to feel... beautiful. even if no one else thinks i am, i enjoy feeling like i am.

don't be mistaken... i'm not obsessed with my looks and i don't have to be all primped up to know that i'm beautiful because the Lord created me and He thinks i'm perfect, which is all that should matter, but i believe that part of being a girl is desiring to feel pretty... in whatever way that is. one girl may feel beautiful when her father hugs her, another after she gets her picture taken, or another while wearing her favorite outfit.

right now i would like to make public apology to some of you out there reading this. i recall certain occasions where i found myself doing this exact thing to you. i remember commenting on a certain item of clothing you may have been wearing when you didn't ask what i thought of it, or making some negative comment after you explained something you were going to be doing... i am sorry.

i was unaware of the hurt comments like these can bring... until today. i needed to experience what it felt like; i needed to experience the other side. i needed to know what the attack feels like when someone looks down on something you hold pride in. so again, i am deeply and truly sorry... in the future i will hold my comments to myself unless i am asked to bring my honest opinion to the table.

i spoke too quickly...

and i am sorry.

what could and should be.

i am doing a great work and i cannot come down (nehemiah 6:3b, NLT)

you'll have to excuse me for writing posts back to back about nehemiah, but i can't get over him. he continues to amaze me... i don't think i've been drawn to a character from the bible quite like i have been with nehemiah. the Lord is constantly revealing truth to me as i read about this man's life.

absolutely fascinating...

nehemiah knew that he had been called to finish the wall; God's vision was his motivation in completing this task. from running with the calling, he grew tired (as you can imagine from building constantly), and as mentioned in my previous post, he gained many enemies... but those things were not going to distract him. in order for nehemiah to get the importort thing done, he also had to say "no" and give up some pretty good things. he had to sacrifice being liked by people, being safe at night, his family, and living comfortably. those are some pretty appealing things, but nehemiah walked away from them in order to fulfill God's promise.

he said, i am doing a great work and i cannot come down.

we have been called to do the same.

whatever vision God has placed on our hearts, we have to say, "i am doing a great work for the Father and i will not abandon it for anything else." we cannot allow good opportunities to distract us from a great vision from the Lord.

right now i am called to a vision the Father has layed on my heart; a city wide college ministry called grounded is where i stand firm. there are so many good things that tug at me daily, attempting to shift my focus. i've been called to at times to say "no" to hanging out with friends in order to pray over the direction this ministry is heading. i've been told to wait on returning to romania. i would love to be in a relationship, but i know that's not a place i'm supposed to be right now. what good things seem harmless could actually be detrimental in the furthering of a vision. until God's tells me i can do certain things or be involved with someone, i cannot let my own desires get in the way. these good things are just that, good... but they are not the vision i have been handed right now.

continuing on... i want to be involved in as many ministries and activities that i can be. i absolutely love helping and serving, but a line has to be drawn. if i don't, my focus will be shifted towards 80 things rather than the current most important thing; grounded. other things are not apart of God's vision for me right now. grounded is where my whole heart is. i cannot cheat the Father by adding things into my life that are only "good" right now.

how can we distinguish the difference between good opportunities and a great vision from God? well... good question. i guess i can only offer this advice... pray and be honest. nehemiah was so faithful in his calling. he prayed constantly and was honest about what he had to do in order to complete the mission. not only do i long to pray as nehemiah did, but i long to be as faithful to my vision as he was.

concerning romania, don't get me wrong... i still have a deep desire to return someday and i believe i will be called back in the future. whether it be for a month or a year... and yes, it would be awesome to go now, i know i have other things to do. i have so much growing to do before the Lord will allow me back. i am certain that everything i am doing right now is connected to romania in some way. how? no idea. i want my desire for romania to be constant. like grounded. the ministry is a constant desire. i can wait for romania... but grounded... no. that ministry is now. if i imagine not returning to romania, yeah it saddens me, but it's okay. with grounded though... if i think about not doing it... it burns. this vision is so heavy on me that it hurts to think about not doing it. THAT is how i know i've been handed an assignment; a great vision. until i have done as much as i am supposed to, i know it will continue to burn heavily in my heart.

i will not walk away from this vision until God says, "well done My good and faithful servant... come over here now."

as i embrace this vision, it embraces me. it holds me and i cannot distant myself from it. i imagine this is like a feeling nehemiah felt about completing the building of the wall. as hard as it can be, like nehemiah, i am handing over my time and any other enjoyable good opportunities to complete a great vision.

my focus... like nehemiah...

walking down the narrow path of what could and should be.

God's vision.

let it ALL out

nehemiah fascinates me. God gave him a vision and he did it. he wasn't going to let anything stop him because he knew the Father was calling him to rebuild the wall in jerusalem for greater reasons then he could imagine. God gave him a vision and it was his mission to complete this assignment.

then i prayed, "hear us, o our God, for we are being mocked. may their scoffing fall back on their own heads, and may they themselves become captives in a foreign land! do not ignore their guilt. do not blot out their sins, for they have provoked you to anger here in the presence of the builders. (nehemiah 4:4-5, NLT)

dang.

was he pissed, or was he pissed?! nehemiah was annoyed beyond belief. as i think i would be too. think about being outside in the scorching sun all day long lifting stones that weigh more then an elephant, without much water, and then having some group of guys come up to you and say, "you can't accomplish this" or "what's the point in your work? you will fail." i think at that point i'd be tempted to jack someone in the face.

i'm gonna be real with you... i think nehemiah had more guts then most people. like myself, i'm sure everyone out there working just wanted to pound on those guys, and nehemiah probably did as well... but he did something i don't think i'd have to guts to do. he prayed to God asking that their sins be held against them, and basically asked that the Lord would punish them. i give nehemiah mad props for the courage he had to pray the way he did about these people.

am i really aloud to ask God that a person's sins be held against them? if someone like sanballat was standing in my way of a mission God placed on my heart, like i said, i'd defnitely be ticked, but mostlikely i'd do one of three things...

1.) pound him
2.) turn to the person nearest me and begin to complain about how annoyed i was
or 3.) pray, but pray a "bless this person" prayer

i don't think i have the guts to pray like nehemiah did. he let it all out. he held nothing back. i feel that when i pray and i'm angry, i sugercoat my prayers and turn them into something fluffy, when deep down, i'm steaming. since our Father knows our inner thoughts and feelings to begin with, why do we/i have such a hard time praying like nehemiah? or david for that matter. read through some of the psalms... david was a bit pissed off as well. he let everything out.

there are definitely times when i'm angry and all i want to say to God is, " SCREW THEM OVER!", but i never do. i hold it back as if the Father doesn't know what i'm thinking. since i'm thinking it... am i aloud to say it? both nehemiah and david basically said "screw them" in their prayers. i'm having a hard time understanding what's "okay" and what's "not". the line is grey and i'm stuck.

though i question these different areas, i long to be like nehemiah. i long for all believers to be like nehemiah. we need to be brave and tell the Lord exactly what we're feeling, rather then tame it down as if He isn't already aware and because we want to look "christian". we've set boundaries of what can be prayed and what can't be... saying that anything even close to being mean is not acceptable... or is it?

i once read, "the only healthy and profitable thing to do is pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father. R-rated words and all."

i don't think that means that when you're praying, start dropping the f-bomb every other word, but i think it does mean, if you're mad, don't be scared to drop a swear word if that's what you're feeling at that moment. wow... there are many times that's all i've wanted to do, but i don't because i feel it's wrong.

but again i ask... is it really okay? both david and nehemiah did it. and david was known as being "a man after God's own heart."

prayer is lead by the Holy Spirit. by channeling frustration about something to our Father, He will direct us and have us pray what we feel led to pray... but now... how do you not feel guilty about praying a prayer like david did? i see why it's okay, but i can also see why it may not be okay...

i'm still stuck.

but...

i long to pray like nehemiah and david.

i long to be a women after God's own heart.

i long to let it ALL out.

lots to do, not enough time...

i don't feel i have any Words to speak tonight... i'm a bit dry. so here's another random post for everyone...

i've been making a list of things i would like to do before i die since my freshman year of college, and right now i'd like to share with you what i currently have written down (in no particular order)...

1.) run through a field of sunflowers
2.) go snowboarding in the alpes
3.) give blood (if you don't know, i'm terrified of needles)
4.) spend 6-12 months in romania
5.) swim with dolphins
6.) get a tattoo (אהוב שלי - my Beloved in hebrew)
7.) have coffee at serendipity in new york
8.) get baptized in the jordan river
9.) ride the largest roller coaster in the world (currently millennium force at cedar point in ohio: 80 degree, 310 ft. drop, going 93 mph. awesome. check it out: http://www.cedarpoint.com/public/inside%5Fpark/rides/60rides.cfm?defimg=1)
10.) ride in a hot air balloon
11.) punch someone in the face (yeah... it's weird... i know)
12.) go on a gondola ride
13.) get a hummer and take a road trip around the united states
14.) be apart of starting a college ministry
15.) have a star named after me
16.) go skydiving
17.) buy a newfoundland and name it kitty (http://puppydogweb.com/breeders/newfoundland.htm)
18.) have a job that truly makes me happy and glorifies the Father
19.) paint in the streets of paris
20.) go on an african safari

so now i'm interested... what crazy/weird things do you want to do before you pass on from this life???